Friday, August 29, 2008

Holy shit, they're after us!!!

So the story goes like this...

Setting the scene...envision a white Pontiac Van driving down the interstate. Now envision two Elementary School children bickering in the back bucket seats with their mom and dad calmly having a conversation in the front bucket seats. Got it? Serene, isn't it. A nice family outing. Okay good. Now that you have it all pictured, let me shake it up for you a bit...

The four of us were sitting comfortably in the van (and by comfortably, I mean the kids seats were at a slight incline and my foot was tucked up under me as usual (because I can not for the life of me sit like a normal fricking human being with both feet on the floor in ANY circumstance))...anyway, I lost my train of thought there. Where was I? Oh yeah, we were all in the van driving down the interstate. Technically we were doing an "Interstate Hop" (that's what we called it in High School when we would get on the interstate at one exit and drive to the next exit to get off so that we could bypass the traffic in town and get to the other end faster...or race other High School kids to show off our cars- and by "our", I mean whatever guy got the privledge of my presence in their vehicle at the time). Crap, I lost my place again. Stupid wandering mind! Oh yeah, we were headed to McDonald's to grab a quick bite of dinner before we drove the 20 miles to visit Grandpa in the hospital...he's sick.

So, dear hubby and I were talking and I noticed a city policeman parked in a turnaround in the center median. I immediately and calmly yelled asked, "THERE'S A COP! ARE YOU DOING THE SPEED LIMIT?" Dear hubby said yes (which I confirmed with a check of the speedometer myself because God forbid I didn't make sure he was telling the truth). I continued my thought from before the little interruption when I notice in the rear view mirror that the cop has now pulled out onto the interstate right behind us!

"Oh my god! Are you sure the speed limit isn't 65 through here?"

"Yes. That sign right there says its 75."

"Then why is he following us!?!"

Just then we pass another median turn around which happens to be occupied by a Highway Patrol car. As we drive by, he pulls out onto the interstate behind the police car!

"Oh my god! He's after us too!"

"They are not, just sit still and stop freaking out."

I grip the door handle as we pull off of the interstate at our exit. The two law enforcement vehicles followed us! As we pull up to the stop light at the end of the exit, the light turns red. Dear hubby stops, looks for traffic and turns (we were making a right turn so it was totally legal), then he looks into the rear view mirror once again.

"The cop didn't even stop!" he says.

"Oh my god, honey! They are coming to get us!"

I turn around to the kids and yell say calmly, "Put your seatbelts on the right way and DO NOT MOVE!"

At this point, I must tell you that one would think that I had an entire glove box full of marijuana or a dead body in the back with the way my heart was pounding out of my chest. I was seriously FREAKING OUT about getting pulled over by not just one but two law enforcement agents! Oh my, jesus h. christ!!!

We pull into the turning lane to get to McDonald's...and holy crap, both vehicles passed right on by.

Whew! That was a close one! I blew out a sigh of relief.

Then I looked in my rear view mirror again to be sure that they had passed by and Oh My God! The policeman had turned around and was now entering the parking lot and witing for us at the end of the drive-thru!!! My mind started whizzing with what they could be after us for.

"Are the tags expired?"

"No, not until November."

"Then what could it be?"

"It's nothing."

We pulled up to the talk-box to order our food and my thoughts were immediately sqashed by...

"I want chicken!"

"Don't they have any girl toys? I DON'T WANT STAR WARS!"

"Would you two just be quiet for a minute!"

"I'll take two chicken nugget happy meals, both with sprite..."

"NOOOOOOO! I want chocolate milk!"

"SHHHH!" "Get them both chocolate milk."

"Could you change those to chocolate milks, please?"

"And sauce, Daddy! I WANT SAUCE!"

Of course, this continued for several more hours minutes, completely taking my mind off of any encouters with law enforcement and then we pulled up to get our food.

As the worker is passing the food through the windows to Dear Hubby, I see the cop car parked in a spot next to the drive-thru waiting spot. He gets out of his vehicle and walks toward us! That is when I notice the Highway Patrol car and several more law enforcement vehicles surround the parking lot and my heart jumps to my throat! Dear Hubby hits the gas proceeds forward, the cop walks towards our van and then passes by going into the restaurant.

Law Enforcement agents were having dinner at McDonald's!

My heart dropped back into place. I slouched back into my seat and I heard this come from Bubba in th back seat...

"If they pull us over, I hope they take Dad to jail. He's the one driving."

I just about pee'd my pants with laughter (and by now, dear reader, you are realizing that peeing my pants with laughter is a pretty common experience. I blame it on the two pregnancies...nevermind the fact that I did it a lot before I got pregnant, too.)

And by the way...we most definitely did not have any kind of marijuana or dead body in the vehicle with us. That would be just plain wrong with the kids on board. We left them at home in the car. I'm probably kidding about that.

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Dissecting a quote...

"Life is too short to wake up in the morning with regrets..."

Does that mean you shouldn't do things you would regret or you shouldn't regret the things you do? Every action will teach you a lesson and if you are smart you will learn from your mistakes, right? But maybe a person shouldn't do things they know they will someday reget in the first place. It's really kind of a fine line of thinking here. I guess the part that I should be focusing on here would be the "life is too short part" because even if we get 100 years in this life (which most of us will not), it will still go by faster than we want it to so we should start living it right now.

"so love the people who treat you right, forget about the ones who don't..."

Why waste time, energy and love on people who are just going to treat you like dirt? Love is a precious thing and we all deserve to experience it in our lifetimes. There are too many people in this world who will never get to experience the sensations of unconditional love (be it from a lover, partner, friend, or family member) so those of us that do find it should cherish it for what it's worth...more than anything you could ever hope to have...and toss aside those that just aim to bring us down.

"and believe that everything happens for a reason."

I whole-heartedly believe this statement. Everything has a reason. People come into your lives to fulfill a purpose, they leave your life to teach you something. Things happen because they needed to happen, to set in motion the events that are to come next. Good things and bad things, happy things and sad all brings about a change and makes clear a direction in which one should travel on the paths of this life. Embrace everything as a learning experience even if you don't understand why it happened. Just know that it happened for a reason.

"If you get a chance, take it. If it changes your life, let it."

If you live your life walking on the sidewalk instead of zooming down the street in that gorgeous car, what kind of life are you living? Everything doesn't always need to be safe. Take a chance. Leap before you look. Speak before you think. If it profoundly changes your life, hang on tight and enjoy the ride for that was a ride you were meant to be on.

"Nobody said life would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it."

Life is the hardest thing you will ever do. Making it from the day you are born to the day you die will be the grandest journey you ever experience and you only get to do it once, so you might as well enjoy it now. Life isn't easy. It hurts, it stings, it will punch you in the face...but it will also light you up in a way that you never thought possible. Watch for those little moments that make it all worthwhile...a touch, a kiss, a smile, a butterfly. The little things compound into the largest thing of all and that big thing is worth every tear and every scratch you get along the way. Life is the greatest gift one will ever recieve.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

List...sorry for the delay!

w.spUPDATED!!!! I actually recieved a lot of this for my birthday thanks to the amazing people in my life!!!

In honor of my upcoming 28th birthday, I thought that I would make a list of 28 presents that I would like. You know, just in case anyone needs ideas. Just kidding. :)

1. To talk to Jennifer to see how she's doing.
2. Birthday cards picked out specially for me.

3. A gift card to add to the $20.00 in Borders Bucks that I have to spend there in the month of September. I just love Borders!!! New books, new music...what's not to love?
4. A new purse. Something funky and fresh with a long shoulder strap and lots of pockets.
5. The music accessories for my new cell phone...USB cable, headphones, memory that I can upload my CD's and listen to them while watering the lawn.

6. Dinner out somewhere with my husband. Someplace nice where I can dress up a little and have a quiet evening of being with my baby.
7. A day/night out with friends...dinner, a movie, desert, shopping...anything really as long as it's fun and stress free.
8. A pin-up style photo shoot...just because it sounds like fun.
9. A gift card to go shopping for new clothes...Kohl's, Old Navy, the Mall...any of those would work perfect. I want some new sweaters for the upcoming cold season.
10. Something wrapped in a pretty box.

Wow, 28 things seems like a lot to come up with when you really don't need anything. Pushing on...

11. Calls from my brothers and sisters.
12. New shoes since the ones I always wear are getting worn out. Maybe some new Sketchers boots for the winter.
13. New coat.
14. Artwork for the wall above my bed.
15. DVD 27 Dresses or something equally as girly.
16. The day off of work to sit at home alone in my pajamas and scrapbook or watch tv.
17. A Strawberry Cheesecake with candles in it.
18. Virtual presents on my MySpace page.
19. A letter sent to my work address.
20. Flowers are always nice.

Wow, I still have to come up with 8 more! Onward...

21. "A Fresh Frenzy" CD.
22. A trip to play paintball.
23. 2 tickets to the Tonic Sol Fa concert.
24. Book on digital photography and a Photo Shop Program...or enrollment in a class to learn more about it.
25. To lose about 25 pounds...which won't happen if I keep saying screw the diet!!!
26. A surprise.
27. Time, energy, and motivation to clean up my office and the stuff to make it pretty.
28. Presents picked out just for me by my kids.

So, there you have it. I am not all that complicated when it comes to presents. I love presents of all kinds as long as one thinks of me while getting them. This list is most likely not helpful to anyone but there you go. My List Making Tuesday obligation has been fulfilled. :)

The crock goes flying!!!

Yesterday was the second day of school for the kids. All seems to be going great for them so school. After school, the kids go to daycare for a few hours until I get off of work to pick them up and take them home. I think that between the long day of school and the playing hard with their friends at daycare, the two of them are rather tired by the time they get home, as witnessed by last nights happenings.

We walked into the house with all of our arms loaded with school and work stuff and dropped it all on the nearest surface (which is only logical, as putting things away would require way too much energy and time). Immediately, the chiming "Can I go to my friends?" music started. Most evenings, I have the kids put on their watches and give them about an hour to play with their friends before dinner is ready, but since it was only the second day of school, I needed to change the routine up a bit. I told them to bring me everything from their backpacks as I stood at the counter trying to sort through the day's mail. Lo and behold, Bubba had homework. A word search with his spelling words.

I promptly sat him down at the kitchen table with a pen and his paper and told him to get at it so he could be done by dinner. He promptly looked at the paper, turned on the spout of waterworks and began with the "I can't" and the "it's too hard" followed quickly by banging his head on the table repeatedly. I responded with a 15 minute time-out in his room to calm him down so that we could proceed in a more orderly fashion.

When the 15 minutes of torture calming down was over, we sat back at the table and I showed him a trick on how to find the words using his finger as a guide.

Tink. Tink. Tink. Tink, tink, tink. Tink.

Death rays shot out of Bubba's eyes at his sister who was playing with the marbles that unexplicably live on our dining room table. I leaned forward to save her life interrupt the homework intrusion and ask her to take the marbles to the living room to give Bubba some quiet while he concentrated on his homework...and to not use my decorative plate as a landing strip for the marbles. She obliged and Bubba and I got back to the homework page.

Tink. Tink. Tink, tink, tink. Tink, tink.

"I can't concentrate with all that banging!" Bubba said holding his ears as if someone were scratching their claws down a chalkboard.

"Okay, bud, I'll make her stop. You keep working."

I calmly walked into the living room and asked my dear daughter to take the marbles into her room...and to STOP DROPPING MARBLES ON MY PLATE!...because her brother was trying to work.

Whining and banging commenced from the dining room. "I don't wanna do this!"

Teensy whined her way into her room, as I went to check on Bubba.

"Bubba, you have to do your homework. Get working on it while I start dinner. See you have already found three!"

"It's too hot in my room!!!"

I moved the fan to the hallway, so that it pulled the air conditioned coolness into her room.

"That won't work!"

"It will too work. Just play with your marbles and STOP WHINING!!!"

"This is too hard! I can't find anymore!"

I started pulling out pots and pans to start dinner doing my deep breathing and trying to block out the children's whiny voices.

"I need a bowl!"

"For what?"

"My marbles."

I reached into the cupboard and grabbed a bowl.

"Not that one! A big one!"

"I can't find any more words!" Bang, bang.

"You can too. And you can't have a bigger bowl, this one will work just fine!"

"I need a big one to swish them around!"

"You can swish them in this one."


Bang, bang. Kick, kick.

Bowls went flying across the room, bounced off Teensy's head and hit the floor.


I felt better so I made dinner.

Okay, so it was only one bowl and not even a bowl really. It was a flimsy Country Crock butter container and a little one at that. And I just kinda flung it in that direction meaning for her to catch it which she did, kinda. With the side of her head. And her tears were only because she was not getting her own way and not because she was actually hurt. She proceded to walkinto her bedroom and then come back out and drop the container on the floor with a resounding "I found something better!" as she stomped back to her room.

Bubba went back to his homework and triumphed over the hidden words with a smile on his least for a little while.

Mommy needed a time-out...and it's only the second day of school! How am I going to make it through the next 9 months???

I totally forgot that yesterday was List Making Tuesday! I am so sorry. I will do another entry this afternoon!!!

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

What will they be?

I have a habit of trying to decide what my children will be when they grow up. It's stupid, I know. They are only 6 and 8 (well, almost 8) and have a lot of life to go through before choosing the career paths for them but going on their personalities, I try to decipher the code of what their futures will bring to them.

Bubba seems pretty easy to figure out. He will be some kind of video game designer or tester and he will most likey (much to my dismay) be in a branch of the military. At least that is what his hobbies now tell me. A profile of his personality based on his name says that he will either be on the Dean's list or America's Most Wanted list and it could go either way. If you know my son, you might be inclined to agree with that assessment. I do. I am personally hoping for the Dean's list.

Teensy on the other hand is quite difficult to figure out. I said as much at the dinner table the other night to which she had a very remarkable answer.

"I just can't figure out what she'll be when she grows up." Said to Dear Hubby (probably around a mouth full of food).

I looked over at Teensy hoping for some sort of inspiration to hit or light bulb to turn on. She looked back at me, shrugged her shoulders and said...

..."A nutcase."

I spit water across the table once again my dear readers. I did. Okay, really I just choked on it but I did pee my pants in laughter. Almost.

Friday, August 22, 2008

Spoken vs. Written (aka Love Me or Hate Me)...

It's hard to come up with writing topics on a daily basis for this blog.

I always have something to say but I am still skeptical about what I put out there for people to read because, frankly, I am scared of your opinion of me. I am scared that I am just not normal in other people's eyes. I know, I know. I shouldn't care what other people think but I do. I care what you think of how I look, how I act, how well I talk and most definitely how well I write.

However, much to my chagrin, my opinions have almost always found their way out into the world when my thoughts skip right out of my mouth before they have had a chance to tour fully through my brain thus causing me to stick my foot into my mouth quite often, closing the door, so to speak. I am used to not thinking before I speak, but not thinking before I write takes a lot more out of me. I have always wanted my written words to have meaning and thought behind them. What you say floats away upon the wind as soon as it leaves your mouth and you can pretend you never said it. What you write is concrete and is evidenced on the screen or the paper and can be tossed back in your face at any time.

I have always been the person who shares her true feelings in the form of the written word. It means more to me to tell you something when I can stick a letter in your mailbox or pocket or send you a note via e-mail. My words have greater meaning because they were painstakingly thought about before they flowed from my fingers onto that paper or typed on that screen. They didn't just fly out of their own accord. I thought and pondered and made sure that what I wrote down was the perfect form of what I wanted you to know about how I felt at that particular moment.

That isn't to say that the words are more truthful. It often happens that I don't know what I think or feel until the words come spewing out of my mouth without prior thought or knowledge on the part of my brain. But if I am taking the time to write something out, my lazy brain has been forced to think about the words and the consequences that they may have upon the world at large, thus rendering them more meaningful, but not necessarily more truthful. The truth is what comes out of me when I am not expecting it.

I think that if you just listened to me speak, you would hate me. If you had the chance to read what I write, you would love me. So which honor do you get bestowed upon you? Loving me or hating me?

So what does this have to do with my blog? I have to painstakingly think about what I write here. I don't want to offend people I know and care about. I don't want to write the wrong thing and I most certainly don't want to write something that is beneath my capabilities as a writer. I have. I know I have. But I try not to. I try to make this entertaining and still about me as a person and yet, I don't want to be offensive and rude with the opinions I do put out there.

Maybe I should throw all caution to the wind and say "love me or hate me" and actually mean it without caring which one you choose. Maybe this blog should be my outlet that allows me to speak freely about things that I wouldn't normally put out there for people to interpret.

Maybe tomorrow that is what this blog will be.

But not today.

Today, I will stick to the safety of my carefully thought out written words.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Apologies are in order...

I had a post for yesterday's "List Making Tuesday" all written up and scheduled to be posted. I really did! But it was saved in my Windows Live Writer...and well, my computer froze up and then crashed. Initially, I was told it was a minor error that would only take a little bit to fix but then I was told it was major and I have to have a new computer! Ugh! So, I have the post but I can't get this loaner computer to download the software to open it and therefore, it didn't get posted. Sorry!

But, my defense...this week hasn't been all that great. In lieu of a list from yesterday, let me list the things that have been happening this past week. Shall we? I'll even add in the good things to lighten the mood a bit.

1) My nice, fast computer took a slow dump on me. A big, heaping, stinky pile of poo (my loaner computer) now loudly hums underneath my desk and mocks my very existance with its slower than hell processor and its no-USB-ports-on-the-front face. Plus it is bigger and I kick it every time I sit down (Not on purpose...I don't think so anyway).
2) There have been two more deaths...well my immediate vicinity. An uncle (the brother of my step-dad), the man who owned the first duplex that we lived in in this town (who happens to be a friend of my moms) and a woman whom I met at my job (she was a client).
3) Grandpa has been hospitalized. Luckily it is for normal growing old issues and not something more serious. We will probably go see him tonight. Since Mom is gone, there is no one left here who can take care of him regularly.
4) I blew my diet. Several times. Twice over the weekend I was several hundred calories over my goal and yeah, I was more than 500 calories over last night because I just said "screw it". I am back on again today. Maybe this time it will stick. I'll try not to jinx it.
5) My husband had his birthday...and that means that it is that much closer to mine!
6) We went school shopping. This could be construed as bad because I spent most of the day wanting to smack the children for misbehaving or good because we got it pretty much done. Finally.
7) My father-in-law put an offer in on a new house. Here again, could be good, could be bad.
8) The kids school Open House is today and we get to meet the teachers and find their classrooms. Yippee! The kids are going back to school and the daycare bills are going down!!!
9) My husband and I are going on a date night on Friday...if we find a babysitter and if we get tickets and if there isn't a funeral to be attended and so on and so forth. It should be fun...if...
10) We watched the Olympics. Several times actually for probably the first time ever. We even went over to Dear Hubby's brothers house at 9 pm and totured the kids by watching swimming and running while they were bored into sleep. It was actually really fun.

So there you go. A psuedo list for "List Making Tuesday" even though it's not Tuesday anymore. Sorry.

Saturday, August 16, 2008

Ferociously knocked on my ass...

It's no secret on this blog that my family lost an amazing woman to a car accident just shy of three months ago. Every day, I expect the pain to go away a little more and the world to become okay again a little at a time. That, my readers, is not how grief works. It doesn't hurt any less three months later as it did when it happened. Things are still far from okay in my world and don't look to be getting any better in the near future. Sure, life has gone on and we have a new normal that we live with daily but everyone acts differently. Everyone thinks differently. We all seem to be trying to cram as much into one day as we humanly can because we may not get a tomorrow...and that is exhausting.

I can understand and even handle the exhausting aspects of life. I can handle the heavy weight upon my heart and soul. I can handle the children's outbursts of "I miss Grandma" and have even been able to tell when they are really hurting and when they are doing it for attention. I can handle talk of going through her things, thoughts of how different Christmas will be this year and even the talk of selling the house. Those things, a little at a time, I can deal with. I can process them and not lose my cool. I can live through it.

I cannot however deal when grief mercilessly knocks me on my ass and ferociously claws at my heart as it's doing today. You see, today marks the 28th anniversary of my husband's birth. A happy occasion by any right. A celebration of life lived (or at least endured) for 28 years. So why does it have me once again in the pits of despair? Because the woman who gave birth to this amazing man, the woman responsible bringing him into this world in the first place, who labored for hours and then cared for him for years is no longer her to celebrate her accomplishment. Birthdays are meant to be happy and joyous celebrations for the person who's having them but really they are a celebration of the accomplishment of our parents. The parents who brought us into this world and raised us to be the people that we are. The parents without whom we couldn't have been born to begin with.

Today is the day to say Thank You to my husband's parents for bringing a man into this world that was destined to stand beside me. A man for me to love. A man who without whom I would be nothing. Today should be filled with gifts and parties and happiness...instead, in the cruelest twist of fate, my Dear Hubby is at the cemetary wishing that just once more he could hear his mom's early morning voice singing "Happy Birthday" to him. That maybe for just today she could come back and hug him and share in the wonder that has been the first 28 years of his life. Retell the story of his birth over and over so that it is burned into his memory forever.

Days like today make me wonder why the rest of us bother trying to get through life without her. And then I hear my accomplishments waking up and walking about the floor above me and I realize that we have to go on because there is still life that must be lived and enjoyed. I must push back at the ugly blacness that is grief, stand up and wipe myself off...

...even if it takes every ounce of energy my body possesses just to take one step.

So, It's Your Birthday, Honey. My wish for you is the strength to battle the overwhelming grief and the ability to get through this day with at least one smile. Thanks for telling Mom that I love her, too when you visited the grave this morning. Sometimes I'm not sure she hears all the times I talk to her. I love you.

Friday, August 15, 2008

Personality Quiz

    These results came from a personality quiz on  All I did was randomly select colored boxes and the damned computer came up with this assessment of my personality.  Interesting.  Okay, not really.  But it was a way to waste a few minutes of boredom time and it gave me something to blog about on a non-thinking blogger day.  So deal. 
    Your Existing Situation
      Imaginative and sensitive; seeking an outlet for these qualities--especially in the company of someone equally sensitive. Interest and enthusiasm are readily aroused by the unusual or the adventurous.
    Your Stress Sources
      Has an unsatisfied need to ally herself with others whose standards are as high as her own, and to stand out from the herd. Her control of her sensual instincts restricts her ability to give herself, but the resulting isolation leads to the urge to surrender and allow herself to merge with another. This disturbs her. as such instincts are regarded as weaknesses to be overcome; she feels that only by continued self-restraint can she hope to maintain her attitude of individual superiority. Wants to be loved or admired for herself alone; needs attention, recognition, and the esteem of others.
    Your Restrained Characteristics
      Unhappy at the resistance she feels whenever she tries to assert herself. However, she believes that there is little she can do and that she must make the best of the situation.
    Your Desired Objective
      Urgently in need of rest, relaxation, peace, and affectionate understanding. Feels she has been treated with a lack of consideration and is upset and agitated as a result. Regards her situation as intolerable as long as her requirements are not complied with.
    Your Actual Problem
      Needs to achieve a stable and peaceful condition, enabling her to free herself of the worry that she may be prevented from achieving all the things she wants.
    Your Actual Problem #2
      Wants to be valued and respected, and seeks this from a close and peaceful association of mutual esteem.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

The ink is soaking into my soul...

I have contemplated getting a tattoo for a long time, many years actually, as I happen to have the privilege of living in a location that affords me the eye candy of body art on thousands of people for a few weeks out of every year. I have seen the pretty and the utterly disgusting, the clothed and the naked, the angels and the devils. I have contemplated the good and the bad, the pluses and the minuses, and, of course, the what ifs. I have seen tattoos at their best and at their worst. I always knew I would get one eventually...I just never could decide on when, where and what I would have permanently inked onto my body.

About two and a half months ago, I woke up in the middle of the night and was suddenly sure that I was ready to get a tattoo. I knew it in my heart and way down deep into my soul. And it's because of my Mother-in-Law. Losing her from my life taught me an amazing lesson, one I am sure she would have wanted me to learn. I learned to really live every day. I am coming to terms with being more spontaneous and not having everything planned out for tomorrow...because I may not get a tomorrow (although, I am still big on lists and planning). I want to enjoy the things that life has to offer right now, just in case there is no future for me to enjoy. My tattoo is a symbol of that mind-set. I decided to wait no longer because tomorrow may never come.

That's why I got a tattoo now but that isn't what my tattoo is about. My tattoo is about me, inside and out, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. My tattoo is a reflection of who I am without the veils and masks that I tend to don. Uncensored and real. If you really know me, you will look at it and understand. If you don't, it'll take you a while to understand because I am most definitely a complex creature...just like my little friend.

I have gotten a number of different responses to me getting a tattoo from a running commentary on how stupid I am to how awesome and sexy it is. I was even told that I was less respected because I choose to get a tattoo and didn't do it in a fit of drunken stupidity which the person believed to be preferable. I am also being envied for taking that step (hi sis!). One way or another, it is done and it can't be undone. I like it...and that's the bottom line.

In fact, it has been a few weeks now since I had this little guy permanently placed on my back to keep the harmful stuff at bay and he looks better now than he ever has. Do I feel more protected and cared for? Yeah, in a way I do. Is it a mental thing? Probably, but with me almost everything is mental. Do I feel more myself? Yes, definitely. I feel like I made a decision that was all about me and not in the least about anyone else. Not my kids, not my husband. I feel like for the first time in a long time, I did something that was specifically for my enjoyment and my mental health and it's freeing. It's liberating. It's...just great!

They say that getting tattooed is addicting and now I know why. The ink has sufficiently soaked into my soul. Wonder when I'll get the next one? What do you think it will be?

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Passing on the Neuroses...

As you all know from reading my 100 list and other blog entries, I am somewhat neurotic...okay, okay a lot neurotic. And that's okay. I revel in my neuroses. I embrace my neuroses. But, when my 6 year old daughter starts showing signs of the same neuroses, I want to smack her upside the head until her mannerisms return to normal run for the hills.

I have noticed small signs of her being like me all her life but I have always clung to the fact that Teensy's personality mirrors her father's laid back nature way more than my high strung, high maintenance one (except for the complete bitch streak that every woman in my family is raised with from wee infanthood--she has that down pat).

On our way home from the other side of the state, we had stopped at a truck stop diner that I remember from my youth to have a bite of lunch. We sat at a table with a booth on one side and chairs on the other, in the same order that we regularly sit...Bubba and Dear Hubby on one side, Teensy and I on the other. However, Teensy was chilly from the air conditioning so we made the kids swap sides, so Bubba was sitting next to me and Teensy was next to her Daddy where the A/C wasn't blowing directly on her bare summertime arms. We were still waiting for even the drinks to arrive so nothing on the table was touched yet, including the silverware. But after Teensy switched sides, she reached back across the table and forcefully stated that the silverware now in front of Bubba were hers and slid him the ones that had been setting in his original spot.

Now, here is where I must stop and tell you that my obsessive compulsive nature rears its head at the oddest times and this would have been one of them. I would have laid claim to those silverware in the exact same way because god forbid someone else touch and/or use the napkin that was surrounding the silverware intended solely for my use. But it surprised the hell out of me to see my daughter imitating a move that I do without thought. I don't know how I came upon my idiosyncrasies as I do not remember having them as a child, however, I am left to wonder...

Have my daily unconscious neuroses been imbedded in my little girl for life or is this just a "be like mommy" phase?


Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Getting back in the groove...but not really.

Because I have been completely off-line and out of touch for over a week, I am having a hard time getting back into the swing of things.  You can't really blame me.  In the past 9 days, I have ridden in a van for over four hours four separate times, spent 3 days and 2 nights in the absolute maddening quietness that surrounds my best friend's new house (except for the few minutes when she blasted a CD and danced in the rain like some kind of nutcase), completely cleaned and organized my closet AND pantry, washed EVERY piece of dirty laundry in my entire house, breathed into the phone with an occasional "uh huh" as my children rambled on about their adventures on their vacation, had a date night with my hubby that included a movie, dinner and, and...a shopping trip to Wal-Mart, and I have cussed out the driving skills of many black leather-clad bikers.  I deserve a break from the demands of the blogosphere.

Even though I have taken a week long hiatus already!

So, my point is that today I am taking the easy way out in the form of a questionnaire type thingy-ma-bob.  If you don't already know...I love these things!!!  So on with the questions!!!  Maybe you will learn something new (or at least be able to read a little more detail of something you already knew)...and it's kinda a list, so Happy List Making Tuesday!!!


1. What bill do you hate paying the most?
In all honesty, I kind of like the act of paying the bills.  I enjoy balancing the checkbook (when it doesn't come out all screwed up...and only if it shows a positive balance at the end!!).  I only buy books of cute stamps so that it adds a little bit of enjoyment to placing that almost 50 cent sticker on the envelope.  And the address labels, with their cute butterflies and hand prints.  Yep...that's me...still playing with stickers.  :)  Of course, I do let Teensy do it for me every now and again. 

2. Where was the last place you had a romantic dinner?
Does Perkins at 10 pm on a Friday night count as a romantic dinner when it is bound to be followed up with a trip to the freight laden aisles of Wal-Mart in hopes of getting some actually edible food in the empty refrigerator before the children come home?  No.  Well, how about a quick bite at Arby's before getting back on the road for a four hour drive back home after two full days of exhaustive boating?  No.  Then, I really don't remember.

3. Do you regret losing your virginity to who you lost it to?
Yep...nuff said 'cause my mommy (and step-dad) reads my blog sometimes and they have be known to misinterpret something I have said.  :)

4. If you could go back and change one thing what would it be ?
Not a whole lot because everything that has happened in my life has brought me to exactly the place where I am right now and it was probably meant to happen the way it did.  However, I think that I would have tried to go without an epidural when my baby girl was born...even though I would have ultimately ended up yelling out those beloved cuss words that my son was born hearing...just because I would've been able to enjoy the first hours of her life more.  But if you ask me for an opinion on whether or not you should choose the epidural, my answer is HELL YES!  Don't go through that pain when you don't have to. 

5. Name of your first grade teacher?
Right, like I am going to remember that?  I don't remember the name of Bubba's upcoming second grade teacher, although he very wonderfully informed me in the van yesterday that it is going to be "Mrs. Mr. Irfmany", which was close enough to make me remember her real name (thank goodness, too, because I would have had to do a lot of digging before registration day to find his report card from last spring!)

6. What do you really want to be doing right now?
I probably SHOULD be working.  I would LIKE to be sitting at home on a comfy couch (most definitely not mine since it's not the least bit comfortable) watching a DVR'd new episode of one of my favorite shows while drinking a wonderfully blended fruit smoothie...or getting a full body massage.  They both sound pretty wonderful about now. 

7. What did you want to be when you were growing up?
I wanted to be a teacher.  A high school teacher.  I know, I am completely crazy to have wanted to subject myself to those over-hormonal, opinionated little monsters but I still to this day enjoy every aspect of the teenager...the silent treatment, the off the wall clothing, the outbursts of emotions.  I've always thought that I could connect with that age group much better than I could with younger humans.  Ask me if I believe that in 5 years when Bubba enters his teens!

8. How many colleges did you attend?
I attended one technical school...and made it to graduation despite a pregnancy, moronic teachers that hated me, and greasy cafeteria food that was so good I long for it even today.

9. Why did you choose the shirt that you have on right now?
Because it is mega cute and new and I hadn't worn it before today.  I am super glad that I did though because I have gotten three comments on how cute and colorful it is and that makes me smile.  :)

10. What are your thoughts on gas prices? 
Considering the fact that I just spent over 16 hours trapped in a van, driving from one side of the state to the other, I have to say that I hate the gas prices.  Somehow, they are 20 cents a gallon cheaper on the other side of the state!!!  A tad bit too expensive for my liking (and that says a lot because I normally pay absolutely no attention to the price of something that I have to have no matter what it costs)...however, compared to what we pay for the equivalent in Coca-Cola or bottled water, I would say it's really not that bad. 

11. If you could move anywhere and take someone with you where would it be?
Actually move?  I love where I live.  My husband's family is here.  My mommy is here (and we all know she has to have someone close by to take care of her).  My friends are here.  The people, the atmosphere, the beauty.  It's all worth keeping for a lifetime...or at least until I find something better. 

12. First thought when the alarm went off this morning?
The alarm didn't get a chance to go off this morning because the phone was ringing instead.  My first thought was that my predictions about things being on the brink of a blow-up were true.  They are...I just hope we all have the strength to pull together and pull through. 

13. Last thought before going to sleep last night?
Um, I think it was something about the lump that has been residing in my esophagus since I got off work last night and how utterly uncomfortable it was.  I actually try not to think right before I go to sleep because if I start the process of allowing my brain to ponder, I can't fall asleep. 

14. Do you miss being a child?
I miss the wonderment, the freedom and the fact that I could remember things for longer than a millisecond.  Other than that, I adore being a mother to my babies and I was meant to be an adult.  Grown ups have purpose and direction and that is what I need to survive my life. 

15. Who is your best friend? Why are they your best friend?
I have a couple of amazing best friends, Lady K and Air Skeri (aka Josie from the Girls Time-Out trip).  Why are they my best friends?  Because those two have been by my side in good times and bad, in times of crises and in joy and we have an undying connection that runs deeper than friendship and into the land of sisterhood. 

Lady K is my editor and sounding board.  The woman I call when I need to get something off my chest, need a cup of coffee or a buddy to browse through Borders with.  She is the one who stood by me and stood up for me in the midst of a major inner crises and the one who drove a million miles over several days to be with my kids when our family was ripped to shreds by death.  She is the righter of my wrongs and the keeper of my stories, my inspiration (in the form of ass kicking) and my muse.  Lady K is honest, loud and in your face and I love her more for it.

Air Skeri is my confidant and my far away friend.  The woman who teaches me what it means to be a good friend even though our interactions are sparse at times.  The woman to whom I send a piece of home several times a year and for whom I tear up every time I hear her voice.  Air Skeri is my partner in crime and in dance and encourages me when no one else has the kahones.  She is as strong as they come without a doubt.  Giving, loving, and just amazing to talk to, I love her to death.

16. What errand/chore do you despise?
I am sure we have actually covered the response to this one.  I despise doing the dishes (even in a dishwasher).  Maybe this is because one time when I was little my sister and I were fighting over who got to wash and who got to dry the dishes.  As we were standing at the sinks, my mom got sick of it and smacked our heads together to stop the incessant bickering.  My plastic, and oh so trendy, headband broke into several pieces...but we stopped fighting (about the dishes, anyway!)

17. If you didn’t have to work, would you volunteer?
Probably...for something like Habitat for Humanity or Planned Parenthood.  However, I am a bit skeptical about trying to help people after reading a news story on how some morons got their house repossessed after Extreme Makeover:  Home Edition built it for them.  I will never be able to understand the stupidity of some people. 

18. Get up early or sleep in?
I prefer the sleeping in until I wake up naturally thing, however, how many mothers with small children have the luxury of doing that?  Most definitely not I have to be to work by 8:30 every morning. 

19. What is your favorite cartoon character?
I really hate cartoons.  I think that the people who came up with the idea of adult cartoons like "The Simpsons" and "Family Guy" should be shot over and over for subjected ADULTS to that kind of stupidity.  I do, however, enjoy animated Disney classics and my favorite character would have to be Mulan because she was so strong and determined to go after what was right in her heart.

20. Favorite thing to do at night with a member of the opposite sex?
Are you kidding me with this question?  My favorite thing to do with a member of the opposite sex  What did you expect something different?  I love to talk and I adore watching a guy's facial features as he lets me in on his little secrets and his feelings...not like that EVER happens.  :)

21. Have you found real love yet?
Yes.  Yes, I have.  And it is wonderful and unending and powerful.  And no where near perfect in its timing or its nature.  But always well worth the ride.

22. When did you first start feeling old?
When my son started his first day of preschool.  I sat out in front of that house crying my eyes out hoping that he was going to be okay.  I drove to my mom's to tell her how sad I was.  I cried and cried and cried.  Then I wiped my tears and went to pick him up just to cry again the next time I dropped him off.  I guess I don't feel old, per say, but I feel like I am missing out on the stuff that people my age should be experiencing because I am too busy being...well, being old. 

24. Your favorite lunch meat?
Ham, I guess would be my favorite if I had to choose.  However, I hate sandwiches.  Never do I eat them on bread, only on expensive crusty buns.  I don't like picnics because I never like what they bring to make the sandwiches with.  I must have the expensive ham or turkey (like actual deli meat) or else I don't like it.  I am quite picky that way. 

25. What do you get every time you go into Wal-Mart?
There isn't one thing that I buy every time I go to Wal-Mart but I will almost always buy some type of food item.  Whether it is actual groceries or just a candy bar, I never leave there without something to eat. 

26. Beach or lake?
I have only been to a beach the middle of a Hurricane (for real!!!) and I have been to lakes numerous times, but I can very honestly say that I prefer the beach...even with gale-force winds and waves taller than me.  I hate the staleness of lake water.  The green floaties, the yucky smellingness of it.  I prefer the wide open expanse of the ocean so that I can't tell that it is polluted.  Plus the ocean is the only thing that has ever made me feel like a small part of a really big world. 

27. Do you think marriage is an outdated ritual?
Wow, what a question.  No, I don't.  I believe that marriage is exactly what it was meant to be...a common union and bond between two people who love each other and want to blend their lives into one.  I do however, also believe in divorce.  Life is too short and too precious of a commodity to waste attached to someone that you don't want to spend your time with.  Divorce is always a preferable option to wasting one's time on this planet.  I am married because I choose to be married and I choose to spend my days connected with my husband through the bonds of marriage...not because I don't believe it is right-or moral, or ethical-to divorce.

28. Do you own property?
Yeah, most people do.  I own (with my husband, of course) a house, several vehicles, and many, many possessions that I could not even begin to list here because it would be a list that is far too personal and boring for someone like my intelligent reader to indulge in reading. 

29. Favorite Guilty pleasure?
Television.  Guilty because I would sometimes rather be doing that than just about anything else.  Favorite because it is a wonderful escape and experience of another person's point of view.  And it almost always makes me feel like there is someone out there that is more screwed up in the head than I am.  :)

30. Favorite movie you wouldn’t want anyone to find out about?
My favorite movie has been Grease since I was in Elementary School.  I remember singing every song while the movie played in the old VCR at my next door neighbor (and best friends) house.  We would dance and sing at the top of our lungs and with everything we had in us from start to finish and then we would start all over again (after we waited the million hours that it took to rewind the stupid VHS!!!).

31. What’s your drink?
Actually, lately I have been preferring iced tea to anything else.  I can drink a gallon of it a day.  I wish I could say the same for water!  But once again, I am picky about my iced tea.  I recently purchased gallon sized Lipton tea bags to put in my iced-tea maker but they made it so strong that I had to give the whole economy-sized box to my mom to use.  It's perfect made with lots of ice and  four small tea bags plus a few heaping tablespoons of sugar in each glass.  That's my drink of choice in the summertime.  Ask me in the winter and the answer will differ. 

32. Cowboys or Indians?
Neither would be good for me.  I'll take the white suburban man thanks.  Not that I am prejudiced at all.  It's just that I used to date a cowboy (bull rider) and the belt buckle was just too damn big and kept rubbing against my pelvic bone...oh, wait, that was way too much information.  Anyway, I will skip the cowboy...and the Indian...too many feathers on that there headdress.  :)

33. Cops or Robbers?
Cops, because they have them handcuffs and they are just too dang fun!  :)  But seriously, I was handcuffed once at a dinner party where a cop was in attendance just to see what it was like and all, I can tell you that they wasn't all that fun...them suckers hurt!!!

34. Who from high school would you like to run in to?
Since my ten year reunion just came and went, I have thought about this question a lot.  I didn't attend the reunion because there was no one from high school that I have any care to speak with except the ones that I still keep in contact with (and therefore do not need to attend a reunion to see) and ones that I knew would not be in attendance.  The only people that I would like to run into from high school would be my old friend Melissa (who graduated after me) and a guy in my class by the name of Nick Miller (who did not to my knowledge attend the reunion).  It would be cool to catch up on the past 10 years with the two of them.  So if either of you are reading...drop me a line so we can get together!

35. What radio station is your car radio tuned to right now?
102.7.  It's this awesome station that has a unique tag behind every song that tells the name of the song and the artist who sings it!  It's I can write down all those songs I've been meaning to pirate but couldn't recall the names to!  Oh!  I mean, buy the cd's.  Yeah, I don't pirate music.  That would just be wrong.  And dumb.  And wrong.

36. Norm or Cliff?
I have a special liking for Cliff because he's a postman and my mom works at the post office, too.  But I remember a guy in high school that everyone used to call Norm and he was funnier than hell.  So, um...neither.  I hated that show.  I do like the spin-off, though.  (Frasier, in case any of you are complete morons).

37. Grey’s or ‘The Office?
Neither.  Both stupid.  Neither is funny.  Yuck.  Enough said.

38. Worst relationship mistake that you wish you could take back?
Tough question to answer.  Not because I can't think of one but because that puts my personal life out there pretty far for judgement.  But here goes anyway...judge away.  Worst relationship mistake ever...infidelity.

39. Do you like the person that sits directly across from you at work? 
Well, I work in an office with four other people.  Two are rarely in and the other two have their own offices.  I sit directly across from no one...well actually, I sit directly across from the computer and that would be you and I like you so, yeah.  I do.

40. What famous person would you like to have dinner with?
I am not the kind of person to get all ga-ga over a celebrity but I would gladly go have dinner with Vin Diesel or David long as it was a date.  And I wasn't married.  And it was a real date.  And they took me somewhere fancy but not uptight where the food was good.  And it was a date.  Just saying.  Never know who could be reading, right?

41. Indoors or outdoors?
I really shouldn't justify this one with an answer because you all already know that I will say indoors hands down every single time I am asked.  It's just how I roll.  (I started saying that recently thanks to the writer of another blog that has it stuck in my head!!!)

42. Have you ever crashed your vehicle?
Yep.  See this post.  I am finally nearing the end and I don't feel like re-telling the story to you right now.  While I was searching for the link, I realized that I completely missed this vehicle in my post "The Automotive History of Me".  Sorry about that. 

43. Have you ever had to use a fire extinguisher for its intended purpose? 
No.  But I was out at a remote campground that belonged to friends of my mom's with my family around the Fourth of July one year and we were all just hanging out waiting for the sun to set so that we could shoot of the fireworks.  The kids were happily playing in a lean-to on some parked four wheelers when we heard a very odd noise.  I rushed in when one of the kids came running out to find that my son had found a fire extinguisher and had sprayed it around the lean-to!  That was the end of their adventures for the night!

44. Last book you read?
"Fearless Fourteen" by Janet Evanovich.  The latest in the awesomeness that is the series about an accident prone Female Bounty Hunter.  I would recommend this series to anyone and everyone who can read (adults anyway) because they are simply the best, most awesome, funniest, can't-put-down books I have ever read.  Love, love, love them!!!

45. Do you have a teddy bear?
I have several teddy bears.  I collect them, I love them, I must have them.  They are on my headboard and on shelves in my bedroom, on shelves in the game room, all over the floor of the play room, on shelves and desks in the office and have a presence in both of the kids rooms as well.  They are everywhere in my house and even though I think them out on occasion, they will always be present to soften the edges of a hard world.

46. Strangest place you have ever brushed your teeth? 
In the middle of the desert using a bottle of water to rinse and spitting on a dry bush.  But really, who came up with this dumb question and what kind of an answer was expected?

47. Somewhere in California you’ve never been and would like to go?
DisneyLand, Sea World, the beach, and my sister's house would be the top of that list.  I've only been to California once and I was there for all of 20 seconds it seemed like.  I leaned over a loading dock at a shipping yard and almost touched the San Francisco Bay.  Lucky me, huh?  I wouldn't mind going back someday.

48. Do you go to church? 
That is a most definite and emphatic NO!  I won't get into that on this post other than to say that I had the best ever conversation about God and religion with my friend Crazy Kat while staying with her and Lady K.  She really was a great opponent for my argumentative ways and really had me thinking...for a second.  Then I came to my senses and realized that my belief was the same as before...we all believe in whatever we believe in not because there is a high and mighty god but because we have to have something to believe in to make it from one day to the next in a world so filled with hatred and suffering.

49. At this point in your life would you rather start a new career or a new relationship?
I would prefer to start a new career...only because mine is becoming monotonous and non-challenging and I need something to broaden and expand my mind before I go completely stir-crazy!!!

50. How old are you?
I am about to turn the ripe old age of 28.  Yep, I'm old.

And I am finally finished with this thing!  Yay!  Hope you had fun!

Friday, August 1, 2008

Calling Lucky...

This has been the longest week in the history of longest weeks (so far in life) and I am just exhausted...physically and mentally. Although, I really am not in the mood to sit here and write out a whole bitchy diatribe of what my week has entailed. My family and I will be headed across the state this weekend where we plan to partake in a little boating type fun with my siblings and then Dear Hubby and I will leave without the children. I have next week off work and so I am taking a little home-bound vacation. I plan to do some cleaning and organizing that never gets done when the kiddo's are around and just laze around a bit. I hope to finish reading my book and maybe start and finish another. But most of all, I hope for a vacation from my own mind. A sabbatical from the things that invade my mind on a daily basis and don't allow me to get anything constuctive done.

So, I am throwing this hope out there in the hope that...I don't know. I guess just to put it out in the universe.

I would like for that little leprechaun on the ceral box to decide my thoughts are all "magically delicious" and eat them all up, never to cross the wrinkles of my brain again. That is what I want forget that this week ever happened. If any of you know Lucky personally, please give him my number. Thanks.