Monday, June 30, 2008
You may need a little more background than that. I am a writer. Okay, I try to be a writer. A little while ago, I was throwing out ideas for new stories (which is all I seem to be able to write, short stories, but nevre complete a single one of them) and Lady K told me to write a story for her. She said that there are no good lesbian stories out there...well none that are not cheesy and written from the perspective of a moron (my interpretation of her words). She has read some of my writing in the past and loved it so she thought I should try my hand at a Lesbian Love story.
So, me being the great friend and budding writer that I am decided to tackle such a thing. The problem is that 1) I am not a lesbian and am totally writing from the perspective of "gay love stories are just like straight love stories only the people look different" and 2) I lack inspiration to write on demand. I am more a write-a-scene-when-it-comes-to-me type of person and lady K is...well, she's a bit demanding at times (in a completely, I love you to death sweet kind of way), and she has already read what I originally gave her a million and six times and needs new pages to read. So...I need 5 pages written and printed by Wednesday at noon. Hmmm...how am I gonna do that?
Guess I better get writing and stop procrastinating, huh? *sigh* Here I go.
Friday, June 27, 2008
Have a good weekend all! I hope you all enjoy the little things that it offers you.
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
100-50 Things That Make Me Who I Am
To start, you should know that I have started e-mailing this list to a group of my friends and they in turn have reciprocated with their very own lists. I bare my everything on this list...the naughty and the nice, the good and the bad, the quirky and the absolutely insane. You should learn a lot about me here. And without further ado, here is the beginning of my list...
100. I am obsessive compulsive about the stupidest things. Things like never grabbing the first item on the shelf and always having to keep the blanket tucked under my feet before falling asleep. Yep, stupid things...like making lists.
99. I am constantly convinced that I have a serious life-threatening illness. I have been called a hypochondriac a million times and my best friend has been known to ask "what kind of tumor is it this week?"
98. I very recently had my very first real life-threatening illness scare. I thought that I had breast cancer. It was way more terrifying than what is in my head.
97. When I was little, my sister, Lu-Lu, and I used to try and impress our friends by pretending to take medicine. We had some rare disease that was treated by a teaspoonful of lemon juice from the refrigerator.
96. I have always had a security blanket. Whether it's a blanket shoved up my nose or a boyfriends jacket, I feel as if I need something to protect me always. Right now, it's a green fleece jacket.
95. I am extremely long winded. I love to talk. To anyone. I can strike up a conversation with a total stranger in the grocery store. That's probably why I like to blog. But I like it when people actually listen and respond to what I say and that's why I don't like my blog (until you people start to leave comments to show me you are there).
94. If I don't feel like I can be myself, I shut down and shut up. I hate not being able to talk. It makes me feel trapped and alone. But if I am not comfortable and feel like I have to hide my true self, I stop talking altogether.
93. I can't talk in front of large groups of people. I hate speeches. I took a speech class in college and everytime I got up to give a speech, I would hyperventilate and shake horribly. I got a C in that class because the teacher was a bitch.
92. I am afraid of illogical things. Like snakes biting my ass while I pee and the remote control giving me brain damage if I point it at my head.
91. I am also afraid of spiders (I scream like a girl), snakes (more screaming), the dark (although I must sleep in total darkness) and ghosts.
90. "The Blair Witch Project" movie scared the bejesus out of me because I watched it in my Dear Hubby's living room in his house in the middle of the woods while we were dating. Add that to my fear of ghosts and I was scared pretty shitless.
89. I am more scared of ghosts, aliens and supernatural things than I am of serial killers and rapists because they are more unpredictable and less is known about them. The uncertainty is the scary part.
88. I have an escape route from my bedroom in my mind for every instance from fire to rapist entering my home. I know exactly what I would do in each case and what I would grab on the way out.
87. I am a natural blonde and I love the look and feel of long hair but I change my hair often. I have had boy short hair and almost butt length. I have tried perms and I color my hair alot. Every time I have changed my hair in my adult life it's been because I hit a point in my life where I needed a life change and a different direction.
86. I never worry about what the cut or color will come out looking like (which is good because I have had stripes of multiple colors) because I know that it is just hair and it will eventually grow back and can always be covered over. Although, I have looked back at pictures of myself and realized that I looked rather weird at points of my life.
85. I don't ever notice age on a person. I cannot look at someone and guess what age they are. I look at people and see a personality and a smile and that tells me whether or not we are compatible. I never see someone as being too young or old to be my friend.
84. I have a fear of old people. Not really the people themselves, but really a fear of what they represent. To me they represent time passing and the end of days when the lights all go out and you are no longer in existance. That, to me, is scary as shit.
83. I am terrified to die and terrified of death but I have thought of a scenario for every single way that I could possibly die. It's like an obsession with me. I have a plan for every possibility.
82. I am crazy about planning. If I don't have a plan ahead of time, I am lost and confused. I have to plan things like trips in great detail because I need to have a purpose and a point to life. Nothaving a plan...being spontaneous...holds the possibility of me having a panic attack or just breaking down entirely. Just give me my pen and paper and leave me alone to plan the thing.
81. I am likely to have a panic attack and hyperventilate if you write on my score paper while playing a game. It has to be precise and pristine with only my handwriting on it. The numbers must be straight and pretty. Even the doodles have to be perfect. Do Not Touch My Paper!!!
80. I love to play games. All kinds of games. Most definitely strategy games like Backgammon and Othello especially if I am playing them with my husband.
79. I have been married for almost 7 years now. Today, we are good but it hasn't always been all peachy keen. It has been tough at times and like a fairy tale at others. But we are together and that is what counts. Marriage is hard.
78. My husband is, quite literally, the nicest man on Earth, and I wish that I had even half of his capacity to love others and one quarter of his belief in the good of all mankind because I am more likely to put myself first and believe the worst in everyone around me.
77. I have lived through a lot in my short lifetime and it has left me bitter towards life and believing that I have to protect myself and those that I love way more than is necessary at times. I don't want the people that I care about to have to experience what I did.
76. I am leary of any man being around my children in any capacity. My father was a child molester that never had to pay for his crimes against innocent children and it has caused me to look at men in a different light. I am careful to know the men that I allow around my children and I keep them rather close to my side in an over-protective-mama kind of way.
75. I need to be wanted and loved and I put the people around me through the paces to make them prove that they love me. This all stemmed from my father signing a paper that gave up all parental rights to me when I was young. I have never been able to overcome that. If the man that was supposed to love me the most didn't, no other man would.
74. I have always wanted a daddy even though if you were to ask, I would vehemently deny such a thing. I listen to songs or see in movies where a dad would walk his girl down the aisle or check under the bed for monsters and I didn't have that. I feel like I missed out.
73. I would sacrifice my own life to make sure that my daughter and my son have a loving father to care for them, teach them and provide for them. I'll be damned if they have to endure the lifelong pain that still plagues me.
72. Neither of my children were planned, but both of them are loved more than I could ever have imagined. My son caused me to grow up faster than I had wanted at the time. Looking back, it was for the best. I am a better person because he taught me how to be an adult.
71. My daughter was more than a surprise. I didn't want another baby at that time. I was depressed that I would have to care for another child and all around miserable at the thought of being pregnant once again. Once I felt her little heartbeat inside of me, I pulled out of the depression and loved her even more to make up for the initial reactions I had. She is my heart.
70. I have never really liked kids. They have always bugged the hell out of me. I don't like them to make a mess and I don't like to pay attention to their wants and needs and whining. But my own two kids are my reason for living. They are my life and I wouldn't change a thing about them.
69. My husband wants another child...I do not. I have a big family, as does my husband but I feel like our family is complete the way it is. I don't think that a third child would get as much love as we show our other two because I don't think I have a whole lot more love to give out. The ratio right now is perfect.
68. I am also terrified to conceive again becuase my husband's family is cursed. The third child never makes it through life. Still born, miscarriage, crib death...those are all real possibilities within his family and it always happen upon the third pregnancy. I don't have the ability to live through losing a child.
67. I bottle fed both of my children because I couldn't get over the whole nastiness I felt at having a child sucking on my boob. I did give it a try with my first baby, but felt inadequate and wrong. I have never felt that I made the wrong decision in bottle feeding my babies.
66. I have seen the live birth of two babies other than my own and I feel closer to those two little men than I do to any of the rest of my neices or nephews. Watching a baby come into the world is the most amazing experience that a person could have.
65. I am a Girl Scout co-leader. I have always wanted my daughter to be involved in scouting because I did it when I was little. I always figured that as soon as she was old enough to start, I would just start my own troop and be the leader. Before I got the chance, she was invited to be in someone else's troop so I let her join. A year later, I became the co-leader.
64. There are 10 girls in my troop and I get immense satisfaction out of seeing them succeed in both scouting and in life. Most of the girls are in the same grade as my son, so when I attend his school programs, I get to experience the joy of having several of "my kids" singing or dancing their hearts out.
63. I love to sing. I replay songs that I like and learn all of the lyrics correctly, so that I can sing along when the song comes on. I don't like to be interuppted when I sing...unless I don't know the words.
62. I like to sing karaoke but since I have such a fear of being in front of people, I don't do it very much. Only once in a while in a random bar where I don't know the people (other than whoever I am there with) and I get talked into it or someone will do it with me.
61. I don't do alcohol very much. I hate the taste of beer, I can't stand the feeling of being drunk, the room spinning, the puking, the not being in control of what I say and do. I just don't do alcohol anymore. I used to, but never that much.
60. My husband and I got so drunk the night we graduated from college at a house party that I couldn't see straight enough to find the bathroom. I peed my pants before some friends girlfriend drove us home. We then proceded to spend the night puking...one in the kitchen sink and one in the toilet. I have no other memories of that party.
59. I loved college. I loved the learning and the people and I would go back if I didn't think it was a huge waste of my money and my time.
58. I have a Degree in Accounting that is 7 years old and now completely obsolete. That is totally okay with me because Accounting was boring as hell.
57. I chose Accounting as a major because I wanted to go to school with my boyfriend (now husband) and it was the only course that sounded good...I love paperwork and I was good at math so I couldn't go wrong with Accounting, right? Wrong!
56. I now work as a secretary/administrative assistant in a real estate office. Maybe someday I will get a real estate license but for now I am loving the work of a secretary. I adore customre service, answering the phones, filing and faxing papers and working on the computer. this is a good job for me...wish it was a little more secretary work and not so much housework.
55. I hate to do housework. I hate cleaning and keeping things neat and tidy and in their places. It drives me nuts to have to waste time putting things away when I could just throw it in a pile and deal with it when I get a chance and the ambition to handle it.
54. I never do the dishes, take out the trash, or clean the toilet...at home. I have to do all of those things at work for pay but my husband does them all at home. I take care of other things like laundry and cleaning our bedroom and the kitchen counter. We have a pretty fair trade of who does what...we just both stick to what we know.
53. I am also not fond of cooking. Especially in the summer time when the weather is just too damned hot to deal with it. I am not that great of a cook either. Recipes never turn out the way they are supposed to becuase I am picky about what ingredients can go in. However, the few things that I do know how to cook, I am very good at and people love it when I do make them.
52. I can't eat things that look like, or smell like, someone puked it up. Casseroles are not cool. Hamburger Helper...forget about it. I just have to have all of my food in seperate spots on the plate and it all has to be free of nasty gravies.
51. I hated my Mother-In-Law's cooking when I first came into the family. I would always eat before I went out to her house and then pretend to eat a little while we were there. I have gotten better at trying things over the years but I was still not fond of what she'd make and I usually went home hungry and found a snack to fill me up. Now I feel guilty for never giving it the chance it deserved.
50. I have never had someone close to me die...until my Mother-In-Law. I feel cheated now because I never got to know her better, spend more time with her, or listen to more of her stories. I am having a hard time healing from the gaping wound her death left because I should have cherished the time with her more.
I was going to put all 100 in this post but as always the long-windedness of me has struck and the post is now too long. I will post 49-1 at a later date.
Friday, June 20, 2008
Anyway, my point is that I was thinking about having a list like that. In fact, I wrote one. In true me fashion it is titled "If I die before I wake, I want to have enjoyed the little things..." and is followed by a list of 45 things that I want to do in my life just for the satisfaction of doing them. The second part of my list is "...and the bigger things that life has to offer" and contains a list of 15 things that will take travel, money or much effort to accomplish but are still not any less important than the small things. I was going to publish my list here on this site, but decided that I would rather celebrate my accomplishments by blogging about them as they get finished. To start, I want to celebrate what I have already accomplished in my life that would have made it onto my list had I made it earlier in life. So here are the things that I am proud to have done...
1. Graduate from High School. (I was the first in my family of three older siblings and one younger sibling to achieve this goal.)
2. Get a college degree. (I hold an Associate’s Degree in Accounting from Western Dakota Technical Institute, although it has never been properly put to use.)
3. Perform on stage in front of a sold out crowd. (I did this a few years in a row when I danced with Gypsy Black Hills Belly Dance at their annual “A Night at the Casbah” performance.)
4. Own my own home. (I am currently still paying on the mortgage, but we still technically own it and can do whatever we like to make it ours.)
5. Sing karaoke in a public place. (I have sang “Happiest Girl in the Whole USA” by Donna Fargo twice and been complemented both times on knowing an old song and on singing it so well.)
6. Take my family on a DisneyWorld vacation. (We enjoyed just that in January of 2008 and had such a wonderful time that we plan on going back in 2013.)
7. Help the lives of young girls by being a Girl Scout Leader. (One year as a Brownie co-leader and counting.)
8. Fallen deeply in love. (I have had the pleasure to experience love and its greatest depths.)
9. Become a mother. (I have completed this one twice, I am proud to say and am doing a pretty good job at it, if I do say so myself.)
10. Complete the Crazy Horse Volksmarch. (Did this once pregnant, and once with a lot of family members present.)
11. Win a dance competition. (My partner and I won first place in a Dance Competition with a belly dance routine that we choreographed ourselves.)
12. Wear pearls with my jeans. (I love the classiness of a set of pearls, even if they are fake, along with the comfortability of blue jeans and I do this one often.)
13. Take care of farm animals. (I have milked cows (both by hand and machine) and goats, fed lambs from bottles and slopped pigs. I have plucked the feathers from chickens, castrated bulls, sheered sheep and branded cattle. I was no expert but I have actually done it all.)
14. Had my picture in the newspaper. (Several times actually, mostly for belly dancing events that I performed at.)
15. Captain a charity relay team. (I was the captain, and chief fundraiser, of a team for the Light the Night Walk to benefit the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society.)
16. Go to see a movie in themed costume. (I did this with a bunch of friends when the “Pirates of the Caribbean” movies came out.)
17. Bowl a Turkey! (Three strikes in a row and I did it once. I was so excited, too!)
That's the start of my accomplishments in this life. Watch for more wild, wacky, sincere, and just plain fun things to be added to this list in the future. Having a list actually makes me feel like there is more purpose to my life...and that purpose is to enjoy the little things and then spice them up!!!
Thursday, June 19, 2008
They say that some people are more open to seeing ghosts and/or spirits. Me, I am terrified of them and therefore, one would logically conclude that I am not open to seeing them or feeling their presence. Actually that needs to be clarified.
I am terrified of ghosts. In my definition and opinion, a ghost is a being that haunts a place or a person. Ghosts aren't necessarily mean but they aren't necessarily nice either. Ghosts can do physical harm to a person if they so desire. Ghosts are scary things.
Spirits are beings that show up to warn you or otherwise speak to you. The soul of a loved one needing to convey a message to the land of the living. They may not even be phsyically present but their presence can be felt. One may not understand the message given but all is revealed in due time.
Dreams are a window to the future. A feeling or knowledge placed within someone while sleeping can cause them to have a dream in which that feeling or knowledge is acted out like a movie. The people are just actors and may not portray the actual parties involved but all in all, certain dreams tell us something is up.
My family is blessed (and I use that word very loosely) with the ability to occasionally see spirits and come upon knowledge through dreams. Things such as instinctively knowing when a friend/relative is pregnant come naturally in dreams to my older sister. She was also contacted by what I believe to be the spirit of my grandmother around the time of my sister's wedding. She was sighted and felt but the reason wasn't known until days later. An uncle of mine passed away suddenly followed closely by a cousin. I personally have dealt with a full week of terrifying dreams depicting the death of my loved ones and at the same time felt the spirits surrounding my bed at night with their message. They had come to signal the passing of my Mother-in-law and her mother, both suddenly and without ceremony. My little sister called me the other day. She had a death dream that had her waking up in tears. I wonder if she felt the spirits presence, too?
I am terrified of what comes next. Terrified that death will come knocking once again.
Monday, June 16, 2008
What do you get when you cross four people who have gotten very little sleep over the weekend with warm, cozy blankets and comfortable beds? A morning of scrambling around because no one heard the alarm clock, of course. What do you get when you cross vacationing co-workers with a frantic boss and a woman juggling too many balls in the air? The Monday from hell.
Yeah. That's my day. The Monday from hell. I have been running around work, trying to get the to-do list completed while also trying to field calls from a telephone that hasn't rung more than 8 times in the past week but has chosen today to start singing constantly as well as the boss's cell phone that almost never shuts up. More papers get piled on my desk by the minute and the boss lady is more frantic than I am. Yeah. I can't breathe today. My nerves are shot and well...just...yuck!
The weekend went by relatively fast and I felt like I got nothing done...except for bandaging the dear daughter of mine who chose this last weekend to beat herself to a bloody pulp in not one but TWO bicycle accidents. *sigh* She has training wheels for gosh sakes! Road rash on the arm, dime-sized gash ripped out of the knee, hole in the chin, scratches on the fingers, and bruises covering her legs from top to bottom. I used more Neosporin and large Band-aids this past weekend than we have needed in our house for over a year!!!
The kids got haircuts this weekend, too. Teensy went from long, unmanageable hair to a Dora look-a-like cut that takes only minutes to brush. Bubba went from his school-time hair cut to the standard Thug look-a-like mohawk he gets every summer. All in all, they are more adorable than ever! :) This was taken on Father's Day. I couldn't get a good picture out of the three of them with the sun in their eyes
no matter how much I threatened their lives.
Well, I guess it's back to the daily grind. I finally have reservations for the trip I am taking with my girlfriends. I am calling it our "Ladies Time Out" because we all need just that...to be put in time-out for a few days of rest, relaxation and friendship. Can we leave tomorrow, instead?
Friday, June 13, 2008
Thursday, June 12, 2008
...I rolled my eyes and muttered something about wishing my butt was small enough to get "toilet marks".
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
- My 6 year old daughter can read. She just finished Kindergarten and we were afraid that she wasn't quite up to par on her learning and may not be ready for First Grade. This morning, she whips out this reading ability! Okay, she can only read some words, she still needs help, but she has the ability to sound out the words she doesn't know and she tries really hard and that is a little thing that makes me proud.
- My 7 year old son absolutely adores Presidents. We bought him a book about the presidents at a garage sale a few weekends ago (but forgot to actually give it to him--okay so we didn't forget, we just didn't empty out the Suburban until this last weekend!!!). He has latched onto it and won't let go since. He is reading it page by page, sounding out the words that are too big for his vocabulary and marveling at the pictures. That's a little thing that amazes me...my son has a penchant for politics.
- Since we are on the subject of reading...I am almost done with a new book. I joined one of those Book-of-the-Month clubs where they mail you the top book on your list. Well, I love the first one that I got. I sit and read for about 10 minutes in the morning as I eat my morning doughnut in the car and then again in the evening when I get home from work before I start dinner (or procrastinate long enought o order something in!). It's my relaxing time and it takes me to a place that is happier than here at the moment.
- My dear hubby cares enough to learn the art of Reflexology for me. He even practiced on me along with the instructional video last night. I don't expect him to do it often (as it requires more pressure than a regular massage and his hands won't stand for that) but it was sweet of him to want to learn.
- I am planning a girls trip out with four of my wonderful girl friends (if things fall into place). Everything is in the beginning stages right now but I am really looking forward to a few days of laughing, crying and acting silly with the best women on the planet.
Well, that upped my spirits for the day. I better get back to the grind for now.
Enjoy your little things!
Friday, June 6, 2008
Thursday, June 5, 2008
I took this picture in remembrance of her Grandma Geri, who just passed away. The tea cup Teensy is holding is one that usually sits on a high shelf in Grandma's kitchen. The hat was Grandma's. And this is a picture Grandma would have displayed very proudly in her home and so we will display it very proudly in ours in her memory and in her honor. Not to mention to show how absolutely adorable my baby girl is!
We don't usually do theme parties around our house. Just cake and ice cream with family usually suffices, but this year I am really glad that we decided to go all out. We decorated the front yard in the colors that Teensy chose (pinks, greens, and oranges). We made finger sandwiches, cupcakes, and strawberry roses for the food. There were also offerings from friends and family (Russian tea cakes and fondant flowers). Teensy's cake was a tea pot and we all drank iced tea and strawberry lemonade out of tea cups. Teensy opened presents and all the kids jumped on the trampoline and had a splendid time together. It was really great to have such fun. My mom and sister's even suprised me by showing up in Tea Party outfits when I thought they were just coming in jeans!!! They helped to make Teensy's party even better for her.
So Happy Birthday, My sweet little girl. I know that your special day was over-shadowed by a sadness none of us expected but I hope it was all you dreamed it could be anyway. Enjoy your presents and telling everyone that you are now six years old. We all enjoyed your party, for it was an oasis for us all to escape away too. Your smile made the whole day bright. I love you, my heart. I hope this year is great for you. :)
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
I am back to work today, although I am barely functioning. I am finding it hard to just resume the life that I had before the last two weeks rocked my existance. I have never before lost someone this close to me and I am having a hard time not giving up all together. It is hard to be any kind of rock for the people around me. I am just not that strong, and yet, somehow, someway, I continue to move forward from day to day and I find moments of peace amongst the chaos. I have also learned a few things about the process of death and grieving that never before crossed my mind (although I find that odd for someone that has thought of every single way that she could possibly die).
- One of the most insensitive questions to ask a grieving person, and yet the most asked question of all, is "how are you doing?" How the hell do you think I am doing? Do you think that I am jumping for joy and laughing my ass off at the fact that a loved one is no longer with us? How am I supposed to be feeling? DUH!
- Being present and having a say in the final preparations is healing (even if the funeral home preys on the grief of the family by suggesting more expensive items knowing full well that they will not object on a basis of cost because all we want is the best for the body of our loved one because having the best makes us feel more at ease with the process of dying and still being able to be close to the lost loved one).
- There is as much laughter as tears around the time of a funeral because it is another reason to get together with the family that you see only once or twice a year. And it is almost as great to see them leave as to have them there for support.
- Real friends are those that are willing to drive 42 minutes 8 times in 6 days just to be by your side for a few hours so that you don't have to be alone, babysit your children so that they don't have to be underfoot at the funeral home (even if that means bringing home dead deer bones as treasure), or help you analyze the meaning of bolting awake at 3 am for 3 days in a row while sitting next to you drinking your awful version of a cup of coffee. Real friends don't ask questions, they just come when asked. And they make you forget the pain for a few moments in an otherwise horrific existance.
- Life really can end at any moment and if we don't leave our legacy every day, we will be forgotten. So finish those scrapbooks and all the rest of the unfinished projects, hug your loved ones and make sure they all know exactly how you feel about them, leave your mark on others lives by being there when they need you and listening when they talk and live today as if it is your last because it very well might be.
- I don't know where I want to be buried because I am too damn scared to think of that kind of thing but I have every intention of making a will just in case, if for no other reason than to tell everyone that I love them
This whole thing is surreal and wrong and I am sure that I will shed many more tears because of it but life has to go on sometime. My coworker walked by me today and asked "What are you doing?" My reply came as "Pretending". "To be busy?" he asked. Much to my surprise, the words tumbled out of my mouth (as the truth often does with me), "To be okay," was my response. That is what I am doing today....pretending to be okay with everything that is happening in my life becuase there is no other way to be. I have to be okay. And that is what I will try to tell myself everyday until it become the truth instead of just fiction.
I guess now is the time to look for those little things once again to fill my heart with joy. Nah...maybe I'll start with that tomorrow. I'm just not ready today.