List Making Tuesdays...

As a new blogger, I thought that something I should do is introduce myself (and my wacky ways) to my readers. I make lists of lists of lists on a constant basis. I am not earth-friendly in the way I abuse paper and pen in my list making because on top of being a list-maker, I am a perfectionist and cannot stand to have messed up on my list...or else I have to write it all over again. So in an effort to combine my love of lists with my introduction to the blogoshpere, I have come up with List Making Tuesdays! Each and every Tuesday, I will get on this blog and start a new (or continue an old) list. The very first list will be....drum roll please!...

100-50 Things That Make Me Who I Am

To start, you should know that I have started e-mailing this list to a group of my friends and they in turn have reciprocated with their very own lists. I bare my everything on this list...the naughty and the nice, the good and the bad, the quirky and the absolutely insane. You should learn a lot about me here. And without further ado, here is the beginning of my list...

100. I am obsessive compulsive about the stupidest things. Things like never grabbing the first item on the shelf and always having to keep the blanket tucked under my feet before falling asleep. Yep, stupid things...like making lists.

99. I am constantly convinced that I have a serious life-threatening illness. I have been called a hypochondriac a million times and my best friend has been known to ask "what kind of tumor is it this week?"

98. I very recently had my very first real life-threatening illness scare. I thought that I had breast cancer. It was way more terrifying than what is in my head.

97. When I was little, my sister, Lu-Lu, and I used to try and impress our friends by pretending to take medicine. We had some rare disease that was treated by a teaspoonful of lemon juice from the refrigerator.

96. I have always had a security blanket. Whether it's a blanket shoved up my nose or a boyfriends jacket, I feel as if I need something to protect me always. Right now, it's a green fleece jacket.

95. I am extremely long winded. I love to talk. To anyone. I can strike up a conversation with a total stranger in the grocery store. That's probably why I like to blog. But I like it when people actually listen and respond to what I say and that's why I don't like my blog (until you people start to leave comments to show me you are there).

94. If I don't feel like I can be myself, I shut down and shut up. I hate not being able to talk. It makes me feel trapped and alone. But if I am not comfortable and feel like I have to hide my true self, I stop talking altogether.

93. I can't talk in front of large groups of people. I hate speeches. I took a speech class in college and everytime I got up to give a speech, I would hyperventilate and shake horribly. I got a C in that class because the teacher was a bitch.

92. I am afraid of illogical things. Like snakes biting my ass while I pee and the remote control giving me brain damage if I point it at my head.

91. I am also afraid of spiders (I scream like a girl), snakes (more screaming), the dark (although I must sleep in total darkness) and ghosts.

90. "The Blair Witch Project" movie scared the bejesus out of me because I watched it in my Dear Hubby's living room in his house in the middle of the woods while we were dating. Add that to my fear of ghosts and I was scared pretty shitless.

89. I am more scared of ghosts, aliens and supernatural things than I am of serial killers and rapists because they are more unpredictable and less is known about them. The uncertainty is the scary part.

88. I have an escape route from my bedroom in my mind for every instance from fire to rapist entering my home. I know exactly what I would do in each case and what I would grab on the way out.

87. I am a natural blonde and I love the look and feel of long hair but I change my hair often. I have had boy short hair and almost butt length. I have tried perms and I color my hair alot. Every time I have changed my hair in my adult life it's been because I hit a point in my life where I needed a life change and a different direction.

86. I never worry about what the cut or color will come out looking like (which is good because I have had stripes of multiple colors) because I know that it is just hair and it will eventually grow back and can always be covered over. Although, I have looked back at pictures of myself and realized that I looked rather weird at points of my life.

85. I don't ever notice age on a person. I cannot look at someone and guess what age they are. I look at people and see a personality and a smile and that tells me whether or not we are compatible. I never see someone as being too young or old to be my friend.

84. I have a fear of old people. Not really the people themselves, but really a fear of what they represent. To me they represent time passing and the end of days when the lights all go out and you are no longer in existance. That, to me, is scary as shit.

83. I am terrified to die and terrified of death but I have thought of a scenario for every single way that I could possibly die. It's like an obsession with me. I have a plan for every possibility.

82. I am crazy about planning. If I don't have a plan ahead of time, I am lost and confused. I have to plan things like trips in great detail because I need to have a purpose and a point to life. Nothaving a plan...being spontaneous...holds the possibility of me having a panic attack or just breaking down entirely. Just give me my pen and paper and leave me alone to plan the thing.

81. I am likely to have a panic attack and hyperventilate if you write on my score paper while playing a game. It has to be precise and pristine with only my handwriting on it. The numbers must be straight and pretty. Even the doodles have to be perfect. Do Not Touch My Paper!!!

80. I love to play games. All kinds of games. Most definitely strategy games like Backgammon and Othello especially if I am playing them with my husband.

79. I have been married for almost 7 years now. Today, we are good but it hasn't always been all peachy keen. It has been tough at times and like a fairy tale at others. But we are together and that is what counts. Marriage is hard.

78. My husband is, quite literally, the nicest man on Earth, and I wish that I had even half of his capacity to love others and one quarter of his belief in the good of all mankind because I am more likely to put myself first and believe the worst in everyone around me.

77. I have lived through a lot in my short lifetime and it has left me bitter towards life and believing that I have to protect myself and those that I love way more than is necessary at times. I don't want the people that I care about to have to experience what I did.

76. I am leary of any man being around my children in any capacity. My father was a child molester that never had to pay for his crimes against innocent children and it has caused me to look at men in a different light. I am careful to know the men that I allow around my children and I keep them rather close to my side in an over-protective-mama kind of way.

75. I need to be wanted and loved and I put the people around me through the paces to make them prove that they love me. This all stemmed from my father signing a paper that gave up all parental rights to me when I was young. I have never been able to overcome that. If the man that was supposed to love me the most didn't, no other man would.

74. I have always wanted a daddy even though if you were to ask, I would vehemently deny such a thing. I listen to songs or see in movies where a dad would walk his girl down the aisle or check under the bed for monsters and I didn't have that. I feel like I missed out.

73. I would sacrifice my own life to make sure that my daughter and my son have a loving father to care for them, teach them and provide for them. I'll be damned if they have to endure the lifelong pain that still plagues me.

72. Neither of my children were planned, but both of them are loved more than I could ever have imagined. My son caused me to grow up faster than I had wanted at the time. Looking back, it was for the best. I am a better person because he taught me how to be an adult.

71. My daughter was more than a surprise. I didn't want another baby at that time. I was depressed that I would have to care for another child and all around miserable at the thought of being pregnant once again. Once I felt her little heartbeat inside of me, I pulled out of the depression and loved her even more to make up for the initial reactions I had. She is my heart.

70. I have never really liked kids. They have always bugged the hell out of me. I don't like them to make a mess and I don't like to pay attention to their wants and needs and whining. But my own two kids are my reason for living. They are my life and I wouldn't change a thing about them.

69. My husband wants another child...I do not. I have a big family, as does my husband but I feel like our family is complete the way it is. I don't think that a third child would get as much love as we show our other two because I don't think I have a whole lot more love to give out. The ratio right now is perfect.

68. I am also terrified to conceive again becuase my husband's family is cursed. The third child never makes it through life. Still born, miscarriage, crib death...those are all real possibilities within his family and it always happen upon the third pregnancy. I don't have the ability to live through losing a child.

67. I bottle fed both of my children because I couldn't get over the whole nastiness I felt at having a child sucking on my boob. I did give it a try with my first baby, but felt inadequate and wrong. I have never felt that I made the wrong decision in bottle feeding my babies.

66. I have seen the live birth of two babies other than my own and I feel closer to those two little men than I do to any of the rest of my neices or nephews. Watching a baby come into the world is the most amazing experience that a person could have.

65. I am a Girl Scout co-leader. I have always wanted my daughter to be involved in scouting because I did it when I was little. I always figured that as soon as she was old enough to start, I would just start my own troop and be the leader. Before I got the chance, she was invited to be in someone else's troop so I let her join. A year later, I became the co-leader.

64. There are 10 girls in my troop and I get immense satisfaction out of seeing them succeed in both scouting and in life. Most of the girls are in the same grade as my son, so when I attend his school programs, I get to experience the joy of having several of "my kids" singing or dancing their hearts out.

63. I love to sing. I replay songs that I like and learn all of the lyrics correctly, so that I can sing along when the song comes on. I don't like to be interuppted when I sing...unless I don't know the words.

62. I like to sing karaoke but since I have such a fear of being in front of people, I don't do it very much. Only once in a while in a random bar where I don't know the people (other than whoever I am there with) and I get talked into it or someone will do it with me.

61. I don't do alcohol very much. I hate the taste of beer, I can't stand the feeling of being drunk, the room spinning, the puking, the not being in control of what I say and do. I just don't do alcohol anymore. I used to, but never that much.

60. My husband and I got so drunk the night we graduated from college at a house party that I couldn't see straight enough to find the bathroom. I peed my pants before some friends girlfriend drove us home. We then proceded to spend the night puking...one in the kitchen sink and one in the toilet. I have no other memories of that party.

59. I loved college. I loved the learning and the people and I would go back if I didn't think it was a huge waste of my money and my time.

58. I have a Degree in Accounting that is 7 years old and now completely obsolete. That is totally okay with me because Accounting was boring as hell.

57. I chose Accounting as a major because I wanted to go to school with my boyfriend (now husband) and it was the only course that sounded good...I love paperwork and I was good at math so I couldn't go wrong with Accounting, right? Wrong!

56. I now work as a secretary/administrative assistant in a real estate office. Maybe someday I will get a real estate license but for now I am loving the work of a secretary. I adore customre service, answering the phones, filing and faxing papers and working on the computer. this is a good job for me...wish it was a little more secretary work and not so much housework.

55. I hate to do housework. I hate cleaning and keeping things neat and tidy and in their places. It drives me nuts to have to waste time putting things away when I could just throw it in a pile and deal with it when I get a chance and the ambition to handle it.

54. I never do the dishes, take out the trash, or clean the toilet...at home. I have to do all of those things at work for pay but my husband does them all at home. I take care of other things like laundry and cleaning our bedroom and the kitchen counter. We have a pretty fair trade of who does what...we just both stick to what we know.

53. I am also not fond of cooking. Especially in the summer time when the weather is just too damned hot to deal with it. I am not that great of a cook either. Recipes never turn out the way they are supposed to becuase I am picky about what ingredients can go in. However, the few things that I do know how to cook, I am very good at and people love it when I do make them.

52. I can't eat things that look like, or smell like, someone puked it up. Casseroles are not cool. Hamburger Helper...forget about it. I just have to have all of my food in seperate spots on the plate and it all has to be free of nasty gravies.

51. I hated my Mother-In-Law's cooking when I first came into the family. I would always eat before I went out to her house and then pretend to eat a little while we were there. I have gotten better at trying things over the years but I was still not fond of what she'd make and I usually went home hungry and found a snack to fill me up. Now I feel guilty for never giving it the chance it deserved.

50. I have never had someone close to me die...until my Mother-In-Law. I feel cheated now because I never got to know her better, spend more time with her, or listen to more of her stories. I am having a hard time healing from the gaping wound her death left because I should have cherished the time with her more.

I was going to put all 100 in this post but as always the long-windedness of me has struck and the post is now too long. I will post 49-1 at a later date.