Saturday, November 15, 2014

maybe this is how it was

darkness creeps
emotions boil
hands shake
heart pounds
the air quits coming...
and i collapse

without a second thought...
blood drips

the razor hits the floor

i breathe in the light
a release is found
the darkness starts to fade
one more breath
and i start my life again

i look down...
and see...
the aftermath
of an unbalanced moment in time

they will see my pain
and i will be okay

Friday, November 7, 2014

this condition that i found...

evened out this head of mine
but nothing short of angled
never will it once again, i fear
be anything but tangled
bells that clang inside my ears
combat the tremors in my digits
the winner then to be attacked
by medicine and widgets
grumbling in my stomach leads
the expanding of my core
the frame that i call my own
will be my own no more
changes breaking quickly
this condition that i found
the mountains and the valleys
the rocks i move around
it all will make some sort of sense
the time i hope draws nigh
even and untangled
for it is it and i am i

together makes it me

Thursday, November 6, 2014

Do people even read blogs anymore?

Well, do they?

I quit reading blogs about the same time that I quit writing this one...  

four long years ago.

A lot happens in four years.  On my 29th birthday, I wrote a post in this blog with a list of things that I had done in my lifetime.  Well, here it is five years later and I am 34.  Wanna know what I have done in the past five years?

Here goes...

...asked for a divorce.
...was granted a divorce.
...cried as my baby boy turned into a teenager.
...slept in the desserts of New Mexico, again.
...rekindled old friendships.
...began to learn how to fight in armor.
...been diagnosed as bi-polar and depressed.
...left a group of friends behind for good.
...lived on my own for the first time. a boyfriend.
...moved in with my boyfriend.
...had family pictures taken with just me and my kids.
...dyed my hair.
...shaved half my head.
...shaved my daughters head all except for her bangs.
...taken trips with friends.
...taken trips with family.
...taken trips to see family. scared of the ocean.
...connected with new family.
...connected with a stranger.
...started a new blog.
...abandoned my blogs all together.
...watched as my babies hit puberty.
...sent naked pics via text.
...had the Shamu experience at Sea World.
...visited California...twice.
...developed an addiction to iced coffee.
...continued to lead my daughters Girl Scout troop.
...allowed my sons girlfriend to sleep over.
...quit a job.
...started a new job as an office manager.
...moved into a house.
...started being with my children every other week.
...was on a bowling league for two years.
...subbed for a bowling league team.
...started a couponing hobby.
...saved my family money.
...spent my family money.
...decided I was Taoist.
...accepted the fact that I am not perfect.
...became a better person.
...became a more me-er me.  

It's been a crazy ride for the last five years.  I quit writing this blog around the time that my marriage began to end.  I am back again because I have gotten medical help for the mental issues that plagued me throughout my life and I want to write.  I need to write.  I need to just be me.  

I hope you don't mind.

By the name is Janelle.  It's nice to meet ya.