Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Is that a gun or are you just happy to...what the hell are you packing in there!?!

"Spin the globe and pick a spot -- it's time for you to satisfy some wanderlust."

That is my horoscope for today.  Fitting, since I am off to Germany in 8 DAYS!!!  I have spun the globe, so to speak, and I am soon off to satisfy some of the travel bug that has been biting my ass for the last year. 

We have the itinerary set.  The babysitter and dog sitter is lined up.  The tickets are purchased and everyone has been informed we are leaving for a few weeks.  The only things left to do are get our vacation pay...and pack!

Oh my goodness, packing is such a pain in the ass!  What do I take?  What do I leave home?  I have never been on a flight longer than a couple of hours so how much stuff am I going to need to keep me from being bored out of my mind?

"Leave the gun.  Take the cannoli."

Well, that is good in theory but in actual packing instructions, that statement sucks!  Of course I have to leave the gun--I'm not a terrorist.  And I'm not so fond of cannoli so I'll pack some Twizzlers Pull-n-Peel instead.  :)

So far, my packing has gone a little like this...

"Oh look!  A fanny pack from the early '80's!  I could use that to hold my money and things without having to worry about a thief taking my purse.  I'll take that."  And in the suitcase it goes.

"A new Janet Evanovich book just came out!  I will buy that to read on the plane ride over."  And a trip to the store is made to buy the book and in the suitcase it goes.

"Honey!  Check this out!  You hang it around your neck and put your money and passport and ID in it so that you have it handy for customs and you don't have to reach into your pocket or search through your purse.  I'm buying one!"  Said on shopping trip to buy the above book as I through it in the cart, purchased it and then threw it in the suitcase as well.

"Here is a book light, a travel pillow, a teddy bear, a picture of my kids, a deck of cards, a puzzle book, a COSMO magazine, and a clean pair of underwear that I will need on the plane."  And in the suitcase they go.

"Oh, damn.  I forgot to do the laundry last night and now I don't have any clean underwear to wear to work.  Oh yeah!  In the suitcase!"  And out they come. 

"What is my teddy bear doing in this suitcase?  I don't need this.  I'm not seven!"  And out it comes. 

"Where did I put that book light?  I want to read and the Hubby is sleeping so I can't turn on the light.  Oh yeah!  The suitcase!"  And out it comes. 

"Well, shit.  Now I messed up my checklist by taking things out of the suitcase!  I either have to write it all over or, or..."  And the contents get dumped back out on my bed to be put back where they were eventually put away.

*sigh*  I guess I will start all over tomorrow. 

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

I was arrested for…

I am huge into texting (and every other technology, truthfully) and I got a good text tonight that has given me countless minutes of laughter and thought.

The text said…You saw me in a police car. What would you think I got arrested for?

The idea is that you answer it for the person that sent it to you and then you forward it to everyone you know to see how many crimes you are accused of.

I sent it on and before I started receiving answers, I asked my family what their responses would be. It has amazed me the kind of crimes people have come up with!

Daughter (7 years old)…speeding. Yes, yes, my dear readers. I am that person. I speed constantly. Bad habit, I know. After coming up with that one, she also had another answer…”not turning on your lights at dark time and then running into cars and then going off a bridge.” I quickly informed her that I wanted to know why I was in the cop car, not how I was going to die!

Husband…perceived child abuse. Now don’t start jumping to conclusions on me. He said perceived. I have this habit of lightly smacking my son on the back of his head when he’s not listening to me. Dear Hubby thinks that if I were to do that in public someone could perceive that as child abuse.

Son (8 years old)…drinking. Interesting answer since I don’t drink! It was the only answer he could think of for why someone would be in a cop car!!!

Husband’s friend from work…public nudity. What can I say? He’s a 20-something guy and obviously that is all he thinks about. Even though that would be the last thing I would be in for.

Best friend, Lady K…burying the evil neighbor in the back yard and letting stray dogs live in his house ;). That one was funnier than the rest because I tout a huge hatred of dogs (despite the fact that I have two as pets!). My response to her…like I would be nice to stray dogs?

Cousin…disorderly conduct for yelling at someone. Oh holy hell! If you really knew me, you would know how true that could be!!!

Friend of mine...reckless driving! How right he is, how right he is! But wait...doesn't that mean that I drive without getting in a wreck? It does right?

My answer for myself…anything to do with horrible driving! Texting while driving, speeding, rear ending someone while talking on my cell phone, running a red light, reckless driving…any number of things to do with a car. I suck at driving people. Completely suck!

How stupid is it that one ridiculous text has given me so much entertainment?

Saturday, July 4, 2009

Warning: Take heed of directions before lighting!

If the firework says “read additional instructions on launch tube”, it is quite likely that you should not haphazardly light said firework in close vicinity to your children, your spouse and your van.  P1060154

However, if you do happen to light said firework around said objects and people, please be ready to run like hell when said firework starts to shoot actual fire. 


But if you are the person sitting inside the safety of the van, be sure to relentlessly tease, taunt and torture the moron who lit the firework found at THE DUMP in the first place about the terrified look on his face when said firework ended up being one that should have been launched into the sky and not one lit on the ground because said firework was in THE DUMP for a reason, as witnessed by the fact that the fuse was a dud and therefore had to be lit right close tot he explosion point. 

And that, folks, is our 4th of July lesson for today. 

Please be careful with those fireworks.  :)

No one was hurt in the acts of stupidity above.  It was actually quite funny and we all got one hell of a laugh out of the ordeal.