Friday, August 22, 2008

Spoken vs. Written (aka Love Me or Hate Me)...

It's hard to come up with writing topics on a daily basis for this blog.

I always have something to say but I am still skeptical about what I put out there for people to read because, frankly, I am scared of your opinion of me. I am scared that I am just not normal in other people's eyes. I know, I know. I shouldn't care what other people think but I do. I care what you think of how I look, how I act, how well I talk and most definitely how well I write.

However, much to my chagrin, my opinions have almost always found their way out into the world when my thoughts skip right out of my mouth before they have had a chance to tour fully through my brain thus causing me to stick my foot into my mouth quite often, closing the door, so to speak. I am used to not thinking before I speak, but not thinking before I write takes a lot more out of me. I have always wanted my written words to have meaning and thought behind them. What you say floats away upon the wind as soon as it leaves your mouth and you can pretend you never said it. What you write is concrete and is evidenced on the screen or the paper and can be tossed back in your face at any time.

I have always been the person who shares her true feelings in the form of the written word. It means more to me to tell you something when I can stick a letter in your mailbox or pocket or send you a note via e-mail. My words have greater meaning because they were painstakingly thought about before they flowed from my fingers onto that paper or typed on that screen. They didn't just fly out of their own accord. I thought and pondered and made sure that what I wrote down was the perfect form of what I wanted you to know about how I felt at that particular moment.

That isn't to say that the words are more truthful. It often happens that I don't know what I think or feel until the words come spewing out of my mouth without prior thought or knowledge on the part of my brain. But if I am taking the time to write something out, my lazy brain has been forced to think about the words and the consequences that they may have upon the world at large, thus rendering them more meaningful, but not necessarily more truthful. The truth is what comes out of me when I am not expecting it.

I think that if you just listened to me speak, you would hate me. If you had the chance to read what I write, you would love me. So which honor do you get bestowed upon you? Loving me or hating me?

So what does this have to do with my blog? I have to painstakingly think about what I write here. I don't want to offend people I know and care about. I don't want to write the wrong thing and I most certainly don't want to write something that is beneath my capabilities as a writer. I have. I know I have. But I try not to. I try to make this entertaining and still about me as a person and yet, I don't want to be offensive and rude with the opinions I do put out there.

Maybe I should throw all caution to the wind and say "love me or hate me" and actually mean it without caring which one you choose. Maybe this blog should be my outlet that allows me to speak freely about things that I wouldn't normally put out there for people to interpret.

Maybe tomorrow that is what this blog will be.

But not today.

Today, I will stick to the safety of my carefully thought out written words.

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