Wednesday, September 24, 2008


Late afternoon yesterday, I started to realize that the day was not going to be a smashing success. Well, really it was no where near a success. The best I can say is that it was scratch that. Yesterday sucked my big fricking toe!

Why did it suck your big fricking toe, you ask? (Okay so maybe that was the voices in my head that were asking but I am going to tell you all anyway and pretend that those voices haven't come back.)

Really a number of things could have set me off...but I tried to find the sliver lining in every dark cloud that invaded my already stormy gray skies. Like...

...the extra kid that was over to scream play---silver lining = my daughter had someone to play with.

...the extra kid that stormed off in a fit of rage and shot me a "Die, Bitch, Die" look when I informed him that he was specifically supposed to call home first---silver lining = the kid went home with his fury instead of unleashing it on my son.

...the dogs getting out of the fence (yet again) due to lack of attention on my part and sheer cunning on the part of the dogs---silver lining = the neighbor dogs didn't kill my little puppy. hubby drinking my soda when he was home on his lunch break---silver lining = I got to walk to the store and avoid the hassles of helping with homework.

And this is the part of the story where my day goes from slowly sliding downhill to an all out avalanche of shittiness!

So, I slip my feet into my comfy pink fuzzy slippers for my short (1 block) walk to the grocery store so that I can pick up a pop and some tampons (now you see why I needed the pop so badly!). slipper walk

I walk out the door and before reaching the mailbox realize that it really is just too cold to be without a jacket but I have already taken like 100 steps and god forbid I turn back now because that would be just too much damn work, so I continue to walk. I reach the store, pick out my pop, a pop for my hubby, and a Tiki Wiki for each of my kids (which for those of you outside of our little family circle is a pop made by Shasta), and a box of tampons. I get to the counter, the lady rings up my purchases and I decide to add on 2 scratch tickets just for the hell of it. I figured I would scratch one myself and send the other to my friend in Iraq to give her something to do. I left the store, immediately realizing once again how cold it was outside. I had to have been totally nipping out, it was just that cold.

I get home, set the "groceries" on the counter and as I was pulling the scratch tickets out of my pocket, I decided to offer one to my husband to scratch. I chose one (because it was numbered 180 and I was born in 1980) and scratched it.

lottery ticket

Yeah, well it was close. I needed to match three dollar amounts and as you can see, I got nothing. Bupkas. Nada. Nein. Abso-fucking-lutely nothing. *sigh*

So, dear hubby's turn. He scratches and what does he get?

lottery ticket--winner

A TWENTY-FUCKING-DOLLAR-WINNING-TICKET!!! That ass! The first spot he scratched was a mouse and that doubled his winnings. I repeat......that ass!

So then we go downstairs (after fighting with the kids to get in their beds) and I find out that my DVR screwed up and recorded an old episode of House instead of the Season Premiere. I missed the season premiere of my favorite fucking show!!!!! Argh! And to top it all off, I can watch the full episode on the 8 days!!! I have to wait 8 fricking days to see the premiere AND try not to hear, see, or read anything that will spoil that first episode for me!!!

At this point, I pause the show that we are about to watch and I start to cry. The night has just gotten unbearably bad. ((Please note the mention of tampons earlier as an indication that I am a little hormonal at the moment. I wouldn't usually cry at missing a television show. Okay, I would, but you can forget I said that.)) I get ahold of myself and we start to watch "Fringe". Have you seen this show? It's sort of a cross between X-Files and Law and Order or CSI or something. It's really weird. The opening scene is of a funeral for a man that was a federal agent but ended up being a bad guy. Anyway, there is a huge head shot photo of him at this funeral and I turn to my husband and say "When I die, I want a huge poster size photo of me". He just looks at me weird. I clarify my wishes (so that he doesn't screw this request up) by saying, "But make sure that I am not fat, I don't have a double chin, my makeup looks good so as not to show any zits and my hair is cute." I look back towards the tv and he says, "They won't recognize you." I gasped, paused the show (so as not to miss anything important), turn towards him, hit him in the arm with all the strength I can muster and try not to cry as he completely back peddles and tries to dig himself out of the monster size hole he just dug himself. Ass. What. A. Complete. Ass.

At this point you would think that I would just give up and go to hindsight, I really just should have. But I stayed up too late watching tv instead. And then, the straw that broke this camels back. The one thing that I couldn't find a silver lining for. The one cloud that will darken the skies of my days for the next 5 1/2 days...

The morons went and turned the applicators PURPLE!!! Who wants to shove a PURPLE applicator up their hoo-haa? Seriously people! What the hell did they think they were doing? Making it prettier? Who the fuck wants a pretty tampon? It's not like it's a fashion statement!!! I sure the fuck don't want a PURPLE one! Give me no frills, please and thank you. I just want a normal fucking tampon and you go and turn the damn thing kotex--purple2 PURPLE!!!

You go have a happy fucking period, you half witted tampon making morons and stop messing with what wasn't broken to begin with!!!

Okay. So I may be a tad bit irritable and maybe a little irate. But seriously, folks...PURPLE??????

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