Thursday, February 26, 2009

Deserted Island here I come...

Scenario: Your ship has sunk. You have, of course, been stranded on a deserted island. You have salvaged a copy of the King James Version of the Bible and a copy of the complete works of Shakespeare. Nothing else. The very next day you find one of those Arabian Lamps in the sand. Of course, you rub it and, of course, a rather grumpy Genie appears. "Let’s get this straight - there is a recession going on. There are restrictions on the three wishes now. I don’t do water or air transport now so no boats, planes or magic carpets. As for electronics, forget it. There isn’t the infrastructure on this island. I can let you have one book and I mean one VOLUME, one essential item and one luxury item. Now hurry up and make your choices, I have to get to those five other islands you are going nominate."


This is the book I would choose (or something like it) because if I am going to be stranded on a deserted island, I am going to need some lessons on survival. I wouldn't make it two days on Survivor (mostly because I just don't look that good in one of those tiny headbands they wear as shirts!) before they kicked my sorry ass off the island. And since I already have the complete works of Shakespeare and the bible, I will have reading material to live on for a while.


How is that one item? Because it's my family and my family is one item. My hubby, my kids, and my best friend all rolled in to one wonderful--one essential to my happiness--thing.

A very large, very soft, very warm blanket. I have a tendency to get cold and there are so many fun things one can do with a blanket. So that is what I choose.

But wait. Oh shit. What about a knife to cut things with? What about matches to start a fire? What about a writing utensil so that I can keep a journal and write stories for the kids? What about something to keep them entertained? What about clothing? What about the fact that I will only eat a chicken, a pig or a cow and those aren't likely to be found on a deserted island? Oh holy crap, I hate this game. I quit. Take me home.

And I am supposed to tag some people but I don't wanna. This game didn't make me smile like I thought it would. Grr!!


MaNiC MoMMy™ said...

Right now I wouldn't care what I had on a deserted island as long as I had WARMTH!!!

The Real Life Fairy Tale Princess said...

I can solve all these problems... and hopefully make you smile.

1. Read your damn survival guide, I'm sure it'll have instructions on how to make a knife. Or, you might get lucky and hubs will have on in his pants pockets... he did have pants on when you jumped ship right? Don't answer that!

2. Start smoking. I know, it's a nasty habit and all. But I guarantee you that a smoker is NEVER without a lighter. So it got wet. Let it dry out a little and presto. Now don't go fumbling around in the dark using this as a flashlight. It's gotta last. Just keep one fire burning non-stop and your lighter will still be good when the tsunami drowns your campsite. Oh... as far as the nicotine withdrawls, unless you're super lucky in regards to local plant growth... you'll have to tough that one out. Why'd you start smoking in the first place. Don't you know those things will kill you? Geez!!

3. Writing can be improvised. Carve in stones, or better yet... you brought hubs for a reason... get him to pluck a feather from that big ugly vulture that's waiting for you to croak and use some juice from berries to write on bark. While he's at it, he can BBQ that morbid creature for dinner. Why else did you bring him along if not to provide. He certainly can't sit on the couch all day and hog the remote anymore!

4. Entertaining the kids will be a cinch! Play, pluck the feather from the vulture! Fan Mommy with Palm Leaves! Stomp those berries into tasty wine! Practice smoke signals! Granted, there's no Nick or Cartoon Network, but aren't we always complaining that they spend too much time in front of TV'S? Much better to be fighting for survival, battling natives to avoid having their heads shrunk, and learning the hard way that a good meal involves more than pizza delivery. If you ever get back... they'll appreciate what you give them and kiss the ground you walk on... (for about 3 days)

5. Clothes? Hate to go all primative on you but... the sun is beating down at 253 degrees, your skin is fried to a crisp, and you have sand in every orafice. Clothes are only going to cause heat stroke, irritate your blistered skin and cause sand to chafe your butt crack. Opt for the grass skirt and hope none of local critters get frisky in the night. What to do with those hot leather stilettos? Hate to tell you this, but on a sandy beach, the only thing they'll be good for is popping holes in coconuts!

6. Now to the food. Chicken... search for a freshwater pond... why? FROG... tastes just like chicken. Send those hooligans out jigging frogs, have hubs cook em up and just pretend they're hot wings. Pork... You might get lucky and have some wild pigs around... if so, GREAT!! Otherwise, opt for that good ol' turtle. I hear they taste like pork, beef, chicken, etc. Can't verify that, but it's worth a shot.

Now then... this game wasn't so bad. Let me give you a few more perks about this deserted island...

** Have you opened your mail lately? Seen your phone bill? (gone)... seen your electric bill? (gone)... Mortgage payment? (gone)... car insurance? (gone)... why don't you want to go back? They didn't stop billing you while you were gone... but ironically, your boss stopped paying you!!

** Taxes? (gone)
** Road construction? (gone)
** Waiting in line at the checkout? (gone)
** Kids blaring their horrible music? (gone)
** "I want a car?" (gone)
** Parent/Teacher conferences? (gone)
** Nosey neighbors? (gone)
** And my favorite... In-laws? (gone)

So gather up the palm leaves, ferment some berries, and enjoy a nice moonlit dinner on the beach.

The Real Life Fairy Tale Princess said...

Damn, that could have been a blog post all it's own! I think I reached comment quota for the week!