A while ago, I walked into Borders with my best friend with the intention of browsing the self-help section. I wasn't looking for books on finding love or getting over a loved ones death but essentially that is what I was needing. A book on finding everlasting love...for myself...and a step by step guide to get over the death of a loved one. What I found was a book called "Journalution" by Sandy Grason. The cover touts it as "Journaling to Awaken Your Inner Voice, Heal Your Life, and Manifest Your Dreams". Sounds good, right? Well, yeah. But I have barely opened the thing. I want to. I really do. But the problem is that I can't get past the therapy part of it.
You see, I am terrified of therapy and therapists. I am scared of what secrets therapy will bring up. Things that I have repressed from childhood. Things that I am not meant to remember. I want to write a journal...but I am scared of what I will write. And scared of who will read it.
My friend recently told me that I needed to open up a bit more. That the stuff I should write on my blog should be more open, honest and deep. It's not that I am not honest or open, just not really about things that really matter. Things that are bugging me and hurting deep down inside. But I don't know how to get deep down inside to find those things.
I have several journals already started...but I never got very far. Handwriting something is just harder for me than typing. It dawned on my tonight that I have another journal...namely my blog. I might as well use it as the journal to get through this new book and awaken my inner voice, heal my life and manifest my dreams, right? So here it goes. Thanks for bearing with me through this exploration of my soul.
The first assignment is to begin where I am. All of my entries are already dated and time stamped for easy recollection of when I wrote them. Eventually, my plan is to print out all of my blog entries and bind them into a book because what better way to save myself. You know, the me that I was at a particular moment in my life. That is why I blog. For the written memories of myself.
At this very moment, I am a 28 year old married woman with a husband (duh) 2 kids, 2 dogs, and 3 fish. I own my own home and don't have a hell of a lot of debt. I work as a secretary/right hand woman for a not-so-busy real estate office although my duties include occasional gardening, babysitting and baking, as well. Yeah, it's a little weird but I have the freedom to be with my kids whenever they need me and that is a huge selling point of my job. Right now, I am sitting in my home office/craft room which I recently cleaned pretty much top to bottom so that I could feel comfortable in it. The idea is to make it a beautiful and relaxing place for me to be.
I am feeling spontaneous and yet relatively lazy today. I got a haircut without an appointment and am about to do some shopping with my mom that also wasn't planned. That's not really in my nature. :) Life is going pretty good. I feel good about it although there have been many setbacks lately. I would like to improve my finances and start budgeting a bit better and I have many emotional issues that need to be explored and delved deeply into but, like I said, I am scared of therapy!
Dreams for myself...to explore places far away, to learn as much as I can, to read always.
Fears...my kids being stolen, death, remembering something that I repressed long ago, life as I know it to crumble at my feet.
That was about 5-10 minutes worth of writing, right? Uncensored, yep. Rambling and boring to read, you betcha. Mission accomplished! :) What's up next?