Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Trip to the great unknown...

Okay, so it's not so unkown because it's a trip that I have had to make every year for the last seven years and it is soooooo definitely not great in any terms of the word. So yeah, I guess my title sucked.

All right, I know that you are wondering where I took this splendiferous (hey, I think it's a word!!) trip to, right? Well, I won't keep y ou guessing any longer. I hopped in my car and drove over 20 miles to a nearby town that actually has some decent health care facilities to have my annual hmmmhmmm woman check-up.

For once, I didn't have to sit in the waiting room very long (although I wouldn't have minded on that particular day because I had a good book with me and I haven't had a lot of chances to read for more than 5 minutes lately--and five minutes of reading does not allow one to submerge themselves in a different reality at all). Anyway, I digress. I get called back at the same time as an older couple with a tiny baby boy (I swear the kid was dressed like a girl!). I patiently followed them back and waited my turn to be shoved into an exam room. As soon as she instructs the parents to strip the child down to a diaper, she leads me into a room and immediately says, "Let's get your weight". Now for the record, I have never had weight issues. I was a skinny scrawny bean pole of a girl in high school, completely hid my first pregnancy until I was seven months along and have been a comfortable size, even if I do now have "mommy boobs" and "wide hips". I am of the opinion that you cannot bitch about something that you are not willing to work to change and since I am completely against exercising and I love my junk food, I cannot bitch about being fat even if I was.

So anyway, I follow the nurse out of the room, all the while listening to her bitch about a back ache that she has because of catching a child who walked off an exam table the day before. I step on the scale and the next thing I know, the nurse stops in mid sentance to say..."Moo. Okay let's get your blood pressure." I did a quick double take and stepped off the scale just to hear it repeat her word..."MOOOOOO". Okay, now, a scale has never mooed at me before, so this is a new experience to me. I knew in the back of my mind (and in all of the "I'm fat" comments to my dear hubby) that I was gaining weight, but this was proof positive that it wasn't in my head. I had in fact gained probably 20-30 pounds!!! Yikes.

On with the appointment...the nurse never quit talking about her back. In fact, she was so concerned with her own pain that she never once asked me about what I was being seen for. She handed me a gown and stepped out of the room. In comes the doctor (a minute before I was actually ready for her to come in) and she is all business and ready to go with a smile on her face. The visit went like this...

Her: question, question...poke...small talk about weather...prod
Me: answer, shrug...squirm...answer small talk...cringe
Her: another question...this will be cold...shove, tickle, poke
Me: answer, stare into light in ceiling...yikes...squirm, move, clench
Her: all done, question about family history..."You need a mammogram, please get dressed and schedule it at the desk on your way out"...walks out the door
Me: look in mirror and wonder what just happened, get dressed, go to desk, schedule mammogram, walk to other desk, pay bill (10% discount for paying in full! Whoo hoo!), walk out of clinic, get in car, freak the fuck out (I am only 27 and didn't expect to need the boob squishing experience for several more years!!!)

Crap! Is there a bright side? Um, no. So, yeah...on with life, I suppose.

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