Friday, May 23, 2008

Getting it off my chest...

Tempers are flaring, tears are flowing and we are all exhausted, lost and deeply saddened. We have still yet to figure out how to live our daily lives without our Matriarch. Family is pouring in from all over the globe and we here in town are accomodating them the best way we know how. We have recieved food, hugs and calls from relatives, friends, and even strangers. We are grateful to all of you that have offered to help or have already helped in some way or another.

I am mad. I cannot speak for anyone else in the family for my feelings ar my own but I am pissed and hurt and most of all heartbroken and lost. I really don't have a clue where to go next or what to do. Shouldn't the world stop until we are ready to live it again? Our world has stopped, why hasn't everyone elses? My kids were supposed to start their new daycare on Tuesday, but Tuesday is the funeral. Work beckons, the housework still needs to be done, a birthday party, a Girl Scout Meeting...there is just so much that has to be cancelled while we deal with this sudden loss. I can't walk through the grocery store without thinking that Geri won't be around for Teensy's Birthday Party next weekend, she won't be around to hug on the kids and watch them grow. She won't get to see them get married or have babies of their own. She won't be there to help my dear hubby through our fights or his fears. She just won't be there. For anything. And that makes me mad. Her time on this Earth was not over. She still had work to do. She had us. She had a family that needed her to function and live and breathe. She should have lived a very long and full life and she was just jipped. She deserved better than to die in the manner that she did. She just deserved the best and she was not given it. Therefore, I am upset beyond words.

Most of my family just found out that I have a blog. I don't know how many of them will read it after reading the initial post and my pseudo obituary but for any of those that do...I am sorry. I wish I could bring her back. This is my way of dealing with my emotions. I started this blog to start recognizing the little things in my life so that I don't take them for granted and yet I don't believe that I started soon enough because I don't have as many stories to share about my time with my Mother-In-Law as the rest of you do and I feel like I took her for granted. I do know that she was a wonderful grandmother to my children and I will forever be upset that they missed out on the chance to make a lifetime of memories with her. But I loved her no less than the rest of you for she loved me as much as my own mother.

I'm just not sure where to go or what to write from here. Dear hubby and the kids are watching a movie to try to deal with this. Daytime is filled with things that have to be done and people that have to be seen but the nights...the nights are long, lonely and hard to deal with. But I will try to cope for my hubby and kids by joining them in the movie watching. maybe that will help.

No comments: