Today is the visitation and it is official that I am completely lost. Tears seem to be absent but the ache in my heart remains; strongly squeezing the life from me. I am exhausted as this process seems to be drawn out rather far. I feel as if our world has stopped but the world around us has continuted on, never halting in rememberance, never giving us one iota of a break. The list of things that must be done in the next week, just to catch back up to the rest of the world, is lengthy and that is the fact that is haunting the back of my mind this morning.
We have requested that friends of ours don't come to the visitation or the funeral because our family is very large and there will be hordes of people giving us sympathies and condolances. We would rather our friends be here for us in the coming weeks instead to help us continue on with life the way we inevitably have to do.
Today is the day that Bubba and Teensy get to see their Grandma and say their goodbyes. It has been especially hard on Bubba. The seven year old is old enough to remember and understand what's going on but not quite old enough to know how to deal with it. When we first told them, my heart shattered at the sobs that erupted from them both. That was the single worst minute of my entire life. Watching the pain in the hearts of my seven and five year olds and not being able to ease it in any way or offer up any kind of platitudes was unbearable.
Bubba decided then and there that he wanted to make his Grandma a blanket to keep her warm (although he said he knew she was dead and dead people are cold). My mom stepped up and very wonderfully helped him make one. A camoflauge fleece with frogs on it (his Grandma Geri would laugh because it is so very Bubba in nature to have camoflauge--he dreams of being in the military). The blanket is the size of a small baby blanket (which is very fitting--Geri made a crocheted baby blanket for every new baby in the family). My mom did the cutting, Bubba did the tying and then he also made a matching one for himself to have at night. This morning he will see Grandma Geri lying in the casket and will be able to hug her, kiss her and give her his special present. I am terrified of what kind of heartbreak it will be for him. This is one pain that a mother just cannot ease.
Teensy doesn't understand as well as Bubba does. At least, it hasn't hit her quite as badly yet. Her initial reaction was the same and she has lost some of her joy in her interactions with people but I don't think it will really hit her until she realizes the everyday things that Grandma Geri won't be at...like her 6th birthday party next weekend. Grandma already bought her a card and a present (she told me about it on Tuesday when we we out at her house) because Grandma Geri never missed a birthday for any of us. She was as excited about attending Teensy's huge Tea Time birthday Party as Teensy was about having it. Teensy and I made her invitations although they haven't gone out yet because of the circumstances. Grandma Geri will get the first one, hand delivered to her casket this morning by a heart broken little girl in a beautiful green dress. I have a lump in my throat just thinking about the hell that this day will be...and it's only the visitation. We still have to endure the funeral and the rest of our lifetimes without her.
This can't be happening. Someone wake us up and tell us that we all had the same nightmare. Please, I beg of you. Do. Not. Let. This. Be. Real.