Thursday, September 17, 2009

Can you be youer than you?

It's easy for me to make friends.  It always has been.  My secret?  I talk.  A lot.  To anyone and everyone around me.  I tell people more than they want to know, always.  I make sure that every detail is fully covered and talked about and it disrupts my inner being to be cut off in the middle of a conversation with someone.

I love having those hard talks that no one seems to want to have.  The ones where someone ends up with tear tracks on their cheeks because the emotions are just too much to bear.  I love to argue my point until the other person understands where I am coming from but I also don't shy away from admitting that I am wrong.  Because sometimes, I am.  In fact, I am often the wrong one. 

I am an over-sharing kind of person.  If you have spent any real amount of time in my presence, you know the things that I have issues with (loss, abandonment, infidelity) as well as, the things I fear (spiders, death, my father) and love (my husband, my kids, myself).  Some of those topics come readily to my lips and others take a bit more coaxing depending on who I am talking to and what kind of image I feel I must present to that person.

I want to be who I am-fully and without apology-but some situations call for me to act in a certain way that isn't really in my description of me.  There are times when I have to be guarded about the things I say and the way I act. 

Girl Scouts, for example.  I have to  reign in the cuss words and the antics to present a more well-rounded and responsible adult or the girls would never take me seriously. 

At the kid's school is another example.  When I know that I will be entering the school building for a conference or on official Girl Scout business, I try to dress and act a certain way.  I look very young for my age (I am 29 but look as though I am barely 17) so I try to portray a rather mature adult so that the teachers take me seriously as a parent and a leader.  That is often rather hard to do. 

But other than in official parent or leader situations, I am less likely to worry about the way I am portrayed to the people around me.  I am who I am and you are either going to love me fully or hate me just as completely.  I accept that.  It's fine with me because I know who I am and what I stand for and as Dr. Suess said so aptly...

"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those that matter don't mind."

I try to be real.  I try to never be perceived as something I am not.  I know what I am and I want you to know it, too.

I am loud.  I can be obnoxious.  I think I'm funny, playful, even witty at times.  I am smart, outgoing, hard-working when I feel like it, lazy almost always.  I refuse to clean the toilet or do the dishes, but will always do the laundry.  I like to have fun as long as it is not immature antics.  I love to talk and meet new people.  I love to hear about your life and your problems as long as you don't expect me to fix it all for you. 

What I am not is perfect.  At all. 

I have a wonderful loving husband and two beautiful children.  I have two dogs and a house that is just short of having a white picket fence.  I live in small town America and work at a job that affords me the luxury of being home for my children everyday when they get out of school.  My husband makes enough money at his job to support us financially in a way that is more than comfortable.  I have a good relationship with my mom and live close enough to see her every day if I choose to do so.  I have extended family that is always willing to babysit for the hubby and I to go on date nights.  I volunteer my time as a Girl Scout leader.

That's the surface.  Look a little closer.

My husband and I have not always been so loving and wonderful together.  Our almost eight years together have been fraught with highs and lows.  The death of his mother helped us (me) to realize where the important things in life really lie and taught me to grab hold tight of the good things.  My husband is a good thing. 

My children are great.  But they are children and they annoy the ever living hell out of me.  I resented having to be a stay-at-home-mom and learned the wonderful habits of yelling and sitting on my ass constantly.  I still yell more than I should.  I can't keep a constant discipline (not that they are bad enough to need it) nor can I keep up the routine of chores and allowance.  I am a lazy parent with potential.

I hate my dogs and never spend enough time with them.  And my house sits directly behind a car wash on a dirt road.  There is always trash in my front yard blown in from their garbage cans. 

My job is boring and my boss is passive aggressive.  Since I am lazy, that isn't a great combination.  I tried to quit and they told me I couldn't so we worked out a deal and now I only work part-time and get to be there for my kids whenever I need to be.  Everything is a trade-off.  I deal with the job because it benefits my family.

My husband has a great job...but it takes precedence sometimes.  It's hard to get him to take time off because he cares so much.

Living close enough to my mom to see her everyday is a blessing and a curse.  It means that I am the one responsible for her and that I don't get that "oh I haven't seen you in forever" hug that the others get when they come home. 

Extended family to babysit is nice but it also means there is always other people to worry about and deal with and plan around for every occasion.  That gets stressful.

Leading a Girl Scout troop is more work than I ever cared to deal with because I don't like kids.  I hate them.  Stinky, sticky little creatures that argue and can't pay attention and break things and did I mention they are stinky?  Teaching them what they need to know is difficult work.

So, see?  I am not perfect and you shouldn't perceive me to be.  Ever.  I have my issues, I just may not have laid them on the table for you yet.  I am not interested in coming right out and saying "Hey.  Guess what the biggest fuck up I've made in my life is."  But if the conversation arises or if you ask me point blank, I will tell you honestly.  And you may or may not be surprised. 

Every thing that has happened in my life has brought me right to this moment so I wouldn't change a thing.  I regret that people have been hurt tremendously by me.  I hate some of the things I have done.  But it is all me.  It's my life and I will own up to my mistakes.  If not for my own benefit, then for yours.  Maybe you can learn from the mistakes I have made. 

That is my road less traveled. 

Today you are you, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is youer than you.
--Dr. Suess

1 comment:

Lora said...

I like that you are loud and give up too much information.

quiet people are boring.