How big was that piece of straw anyway?

You know how there's always the straw that broke the camel's back?  I don't even know where that saying came from.  All I know is that it means that there was one little thing that was added to everything else and the weight of that one little thing caused the camel to go sprawling on the floor in pain.  His owner probably then had to shoot him and sell him to the glue factory because he was no longer useful (I assume that's what they do since that is what they do to horses with broken legs and camels are just horses with humps, right?).  But my point is that there is always that one little thing.  The one thing that makes a person realize that it's just too much.  That something is wrong and needs to change.  One little thing that causes everything else to come crashing down. 

For me, it was laundry.

I opened the door to the laundry room, after having tucked the kids into bed, knowing that I had to wash some jeans to wear to work the next day.  When I opened that door, I was greeted with a pile so large and so right-in-front-of-the-door.  That pile of laundry caused a reaction that was both completely out of the blue and yet completely foreseeable at the same time. 

I stopped breathing.  Tears flowed from my eyes.  And I broke down. 

The straw had broken the camel's back. 

And in that instant, I could no longer deny the fact that there is something wrong.  Something big and scary.  Something that makes me feel broken in ways that only those who have experienced it can imagine.  Something that is so hard for me to say and to admit to that I can barely even think the word.  It's taboo.

But it's familiar ground for me.  I know what I am talking about and I recognize the symptoms. 

I am irritable.  Beyond belief, really.  I snap at people.  I yell at the kids all the time for things that aren't really in their control.  My punishments to them are too severe for their crimes (grounding for a day just for 10 minutes late being home?  Over react much?).  I am more of a control freak than usual.  People get on my nerves when I should be able to just let it slide off my back.

I don't talk.  I think of a lot of things to say but it's too much energy to say them.  I don't listen either.  I have to ask people to repeat things constantly because I have tuned them out.  And not because I have something better to listen to,but because there is literally nothing going through my head.  It's blank.  My mind is never blank, so this scares me a lot. 

The smallest things make me anxious, make me sweat and shake.  Garage saleing with my Aunt, three people walking into my office all at once when I was alone, writing a to do list of things that need to be done that day, balancing my checkbook.  It all causes me great anxiety and stress to just think about. 

I haven't been reading even though I always carry my book.  I obviously haven't been blogging or doing any other writing for that matter.  My home office remains in a half finished state even though I was once completely excited to have my own space and need it to be functional by next Tuesday.  I don't text or talk to my friends or family unless they make first contact.  I don't doodle and mind puzzles make me anxious unless someone else is helping me with them.  I am not excited for a girl's night out even though it's already been planned. 

I don't eat much or drink much.  I am craving something that I can never identify.  I am tired constantly.  I fall asleep around nine and then sleep badly all night.  Waking up several times just to sigh and try to return to sleep.  I could cry at the drop of a hat. 

When I am driving, I am not paying close attention because sometimes when cars pass my thoughts go to what would happen if I swerved over into their lane or they into mine.  My thoughts always end there and I go about my day but the thoughts scare me because they aren't normal thoughts, right? 

Not that anything about me is normal when I am feeling normal but the point is that I'm not feeling normal. 

Does that make sense? 

I guess the point is that this is me, admitting that I have a problem.   It's not the first time in my life.  I've been medicated for this same affliction twice before. 

It's called depression. 

I'm calling the doctor tomorrow. 

Dumping it all out…

Brain spinning, swirling, tumbling
over thoughts,
like rocks in a river bed
Smoothed over time
but jagged in the beginning.
Water rushing, cascading
falling noisily through the crevices in my head.
Once again mouth ran away with words
brain in tow, lagging behind
like a tugboat in rough waters.
Wondering how
to make it stop
and float
even keeled.  
                                 ---JW

Do you ever wonder how it is that you get yourself into so many things that you no longer have time to sit and think and plan what it is that you are supposed to be doing in the first place?  Yeah?  Whew!  I thought it was just me!  I am doing that on such a constant basis that it is pretty much just a way of life for me.  Today, I find myself cranky and irritable at the mere fact that I have so much going on.  And you know me…the best way to settle my head on these matters is to let it all out, where it will organize itself before I store it all back inside the wrinkles of my brain.  So here goes.  This is what I have going on. 

A minor car accident insurance claim (we were rear-ended a few months ago) in which the other guy’s insurance company is refusing to contact my medical providers to pay any of the bills and therefore, I am having to go thru my insurance company for an accident that wasn’t in whole or in part my fault just so that the medical providers will stop calling me for information and for payment of the bills has me livid and tense every time I walk into the chiropractor’s office, which is finally down to twice a week for me and once every two weeks for Bubba (who was whipped forward and hit his head on the seat in front of him causing a neck strain and headaches in his 8 year old little body during the crash).  How do I deal with this one? 

And that folks, has to be the longest run on sentence in history.  But that is how I feel when I think of it.  Like I can never catch a single breath just to finish my thought on the subject. 

Also, there is a home owner’s insurance claim to deal with due to a hail storm the day after I arrived home from my Germany trip.  Do we fix the minor damage to the roof or do we chance just taking the money and leaving it be since it isn’t all that bad to begin with?  The money could pay for the truck that I just went to the bank to get a loan for since in this household we seem to need yet another vehicle to clutter up the back drive.  But if it hails again, they will deny our claim and we will have to pay for the damages out of our own pocket…or out of our equity line which would be okay, I suppose.  How do I deal with this one?  Or two, since it is a new truck and an insurance claim.

Girl Scouts is about to start up again with everything that entails.  Planning of a first meeting and then a product sale immediately following that.  A leader meeting at which I will declare that I am now the sole leader of the troop.  An astronomy camp that I want to attend but need to send in the information for.  Calendars to make, forms to fill out and turn in, parents to call.  How do I deal with this one? 

We have a family reunion this weekend.  I need to gather scrapbooking supplies and a table that I volunteered to bring, figure out and purchase gifts for the White Elephant Exchange, pack everything needed for three nights of camping, figure out a tent in which to sleep in for those three nights since ours is ripped and I definitely don’t have time to repair it, make a menu and pre-make at least some of the stuff for the weekend’s potlucks and meals.  And I need to do all of this in an orderly fashion so that I can relax and enjoy the company of my family over the weekend.  How do I deal with this?

My husband has been having chronic nosebleeds and needs to see a specialist but hasn’t made an appointment.  I have to go in for my annual pap and mammo this month which freaks me out because of last year’s mammo scare.  The kids and I are due for a teeth cleaning this month and I have to go in to get a permanent filling in my root canal tooth.  Dear Hubby needs to go in for a teeth cleaning and to start on his dental work.  How do I deal with this?

My new office at home is still only partially completed which means that I can’t find anything.  Half of it is upstairs and half is downstairs cluttering up the whole place.  I have to finish painting, build a shelving unit, make and hang curtains, decorate and move everything in and organize it.  I am loving the space but wish it would just magically finish itself so that I could get work done in it and not on it.  How do I deal with this?

Of course, you have the usual stresses of everyday life, as well.  The laundry, the schoolwork, the house cleaning.  The trying to fit 3 hours of work into a two hour workday (although that will change on Tuesday).  The meal planning and cooking and buying and the bill paying and checkbook balancing.  How do I deal with this?

The answer to all of those is simple really.  How do I deal with this?  I just do.  I just keep on keeping on and do my best to get it all done in a manner that is acceptable to me and those around me.  I keep going…even if my brain feels as if it will explode at a moment’s notice.  Because sooner or later…

It will stop
and float
even keeled
once again.

(The beginning poem is an original piece of art written exclusively by me.  Please do not copy in whole or in part without express written permission from the author.  Thanks.)

Are you there, J... *enter sound of crickets here*

Where the hell have you been, young lady?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know. Absent. For over a week. Gone. Disappeared. Not a single word written to let you know where I was or how I was doing. Nothingness. *sigh*

My excuse?

Oh. Um, I was busy. Am busy. Still. Not a moment of rest for this beyond tired soul. *sigh*

But, its Friday! Holy shit, I have never been more happy to see a Friday come in my entire life. :) I am ready for the weekend baby. Bring. It. On.

Ready for the run-down? Take a deep breath. You may need it. Cuz I have pictures. Yep. Pictures. Yippee for you.

THURSDAY, MARCH 19TH...Shopping for Materials.

Wood, insulation, $350 on the Menards Credit Card, super late when we got home, ruts in the soft grass from driving on it. Ugh!

FRIDAY, MARCH 20TH...Night out with My Girls.

Several text/pix messages about what I should wear (because I guess I am a girl and can't make that decision on my own), two Strawberry Daquiris and a Sex on the Beach down the gullet, two games of darts and $5.00 lost, ice in places it shouldn't be. Fun!

SATURDAY, MARCH 21ST...Remodeling Galore!

Lady K. came over, we emptied out the rooms completely and then framed out two outside walls, one inside wall and a closet. Hard Work!

SUNDAY, MARCH 22ND...Yell Until You Are Hoarse!

More small remodeling touch-ups, Birthday BBQ with the neighbors, rush to pick up Miss Insanity's daughter, rush to Girl Scout Cookie Booth location, stand in sun and yell until hoarse, send sick child home, finish up sales and pack up booth. 201 boxes of cookies sold in three hours. Whew!

MONDAY, MARCH 23RD...Thanks for Spreading It!

Miss Insanity informs me that all three of her children have Strep throat, school canceled due to impending bad weather, daycare closed due to infection, called in "can't come" to work, stay home with sore throat and laziness. Yuck!

TUESDAY, MARCH 24TH...Impending Doom Hits Hard!

Blizzard shuts down the entire area, interstate closed, stores closed, high winds and no visibility, people unable to open their doors, let dogs out to pee and they walk right over fence via the 6 foot drifts and run away, vehicles under massive amounts of wet snow. Stuck!

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 25TH...Escaped! But to what end?

We get out of the house, Hubby goes back to work, my office still snowed in, school still canceled, Teensy has bad sore throat again-take her to doctor, get prescriptions for her and me for Strep Throat, run Hubby back and forth to work because his car is still in 5 foot of snow, take Bubba to dentist appointment for a filling. Expensive Day!

THURSDAY, MARCH 26TH...Back in the Saddle!

Work until 2:30, rush to Cookie Cupboard to stock up on GS cookies for next cookie booth--they don't have them all, rush to grocery store to buy potluck item (Hummus and Pita Chips), go shopping at Kohl's...spend $200 and enjoy the retail therapy, rush to GS Leader meeting and Training Essentials Course (no one eats my Hummus), choke down Diet Coke since there wasn't anything else, head back home in snow and ice, call mom to check on kids--Hubby still at Town Hall meeting, pick up kids, unload 30+ cases of cookies, tuck kids in, wait for Hubby, rejoice over FREE membership to Community Center, wash new clothes, go to bed. Exhausting!

And that, people, leads me to today. Today, I am still trying to get caught up from three days out of the office, the car was dug out (causing some nasty back aches) just to find out that it was hydro-locked and thusly broken and needing to be towed and fixed, my living room is full of cases of GS cookies that need to be sorted into each girl and readied for tonight's Cookie Booth (which happens to conflict directly with a family Birthday Party), and the town is still covered in snowdrifts so high you can't see over them and narrow passageways that make driving difficult. *sigh*

Thank goodness it's Friday! I need a bit of a break, I think. And not one filled with bored, sick children and snow packed porches. A break that includes a few minutes to sit down and breathe in something other than the smell of cardboard and GS cookies.

What is ailing you on this Monday? I can cure it!

It is once again Monday. I have officially been working my new hours for a week and I am loving being home with my kids.


But, of course, it is Monday and they are always the worst day of the week. So how about another tip to Make Monday a bit more Manageable? Yeah. Well, check out this doozy.


The Real Miracle Food is...


Bananas!


Bananas contain three natural sugars - sucrose, fructose and glucose combined with fiber. A banana gives an instant, sustained and substantial boost of energy. Research has proven that just two bananas provide enough energy for a strenuous 90-minute workout. No wonder the banana is the number one fruit with the world's leading athletes. But energy isn't the only way a banana can help us keep fit. It can also help overcome or prevent a substantial number of illnesses and conditions, making it a must to add to our daily diet.


So, what ails you today?


Are you depressed? According to a recent survey undertaken by MIND amongst people suffering from depression, many felt much better after eating a banana. This is because bananas contain tryptophan, a type of protein that the body converts into serotonin, known to make you relax, improve your mood and generally make you feel happier.


Is it that time of the month? Forget the pills - eat a banana. The vitamin B6 it contains regulates blood glucose levels, which can affect your mood.


Doctor just told you that you are anemic? High in iron, bananas can stimulate the production of hemoglobin in the blood and so helps in cases of anemia.


Is your blood pressure running high? This unique tropical fruit is extremely high in potassium yet low in salt, making it perfect to beat blood pressure. So much so, the US Food and Drug Administration has just allowed the banana industry to make official claims for the fruit's ability to reduce the risk of blood pressure and stroke.


Have a big test today and need some Brain Power? 200 students at a Twickenham (Middlesex) school ( England ) were helped through their exams this year by eating bananas at breakfast, break, and lunch in a bid to boost their brain power. Research has shown that the potassium-packed fruit can assist learning by making pupils more alert.


Having a little trouble going? High in fiber, including bananas in the diet can help restore normal bowel action, helping to overcome the problem without resorting to laxatives.


Have a big birthday party last night for your BFF and had a bit too much to drink? One of the quickest ways of curing a hangover is to make a banana milkshake, sweetened with honey. The banana calms the stomach and, with the help of the honey, builds up depleted blood sugar levels, while the milk soothes and re-hydrates your system.


Heart burning from last nights spicy burrito dinner? Bananas have a natural antacid effect in the body, so if you suffer from heartburn, try eating a banana for soothing relief.


Pregnant and puking every morning? Snacking on bananas between meals helps to keep blood sugar levels up and avoid morning sickness.


Got bit by what had to be the very first mosquito of the season? Before reaching for the insect bite cream, try rubbing the affected area with the inside of a banana skin. Many people find it amazingly successful at reducing swelling and irritation.


Have a huge presentation and your nerves are getting the best of you? Bananas are high in B vitamins that help calm the nervous system. Overweight and at work? Studies at the Institute of Psychology in Austria found pressure at work leads to gorging on comfort food like chocolate and chips. Looking at 5,000 hospital patients, researchers found the most obese were more likely to be in high-pressure jobs. The report concluded that, to avoid panic-induced food cravings, we need to control our blood sugar levels by snacking on high carbohydrate foods every two hours to keep levels steady.


Stressed out so bad by the economy that you have developed an ulcer? The banana is used as the dietary food against intestinal disorders because of its soft texture and smoothness. It is the only raw fruit that can be eaten without distress in over-chronicler cases. It also neutralizes over-acidity and reduces irritation by coating the lining of the stomach.


Hot flashes? Many other cultures see bananas as a "cooling" fruit that can lower both the physical and emotional temperature of expectant mothers. In Thailand , for example, pregnant women eat bananas to ensure their baby is born with a cool temperature.


Upset about the changes of the season and have Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD): Bananas can help SAD sufferers because they contain the natural mood enhancer tryptophan.


Trying to quit smoking because it is a nasty habit? Bananas can also help people trying to give up smoking. The B6, B12 they contain, as well as the potassium and magnesium found in them, help the body recover from the effects of nicotine withdrawal.


Stressed out by the "Drama Llama"? Potassium is a vital mineral, which helps normalize the heartbeat, sends oxygen to the brain and regulates your body's water balance. When we are stressed, our metabolic rate rises, thereby reducing our potassium levels. These can be rebalanced with the help of a high-potassium banana snack.

Want to reduce the risk of having a Stroke? According to research in The New England Journal of Medicine, eating bananas as part of a regular diet can cut the risk of death by strokes by as much as 40%!


Been playing in the pond withthos froggies and are covered in warts? Those keen on natural alternatives swear that if you want to kill off a wart, take a piece of banana skin and place it on the wart, with the yellow side out. Carefully hold the skin in place with a plaster or surgical tape!

Scuffed up your shoe on the way to see a new client and need a quick shine on our shoes? Take the inside of the banana skin, and rub directly on the shoe...polish with dry cloth and the shine will be brought back to life.

When you compare it to an apple, it has four times the protein, twice the carbohydrate, three times the phosphorus, five times the vitamin A and iron, and twice the other vitamins and minerals. It is also rich in potassium and is one of the best value foods around.

So what is my point?

As my Hubby would sing in the style of Weird Al Yankovic...

"Have a banana,
have a whole bunch.
It doesn't matter,
what you have for lunch.
Just Eat It!"

How many rings of hell are there again?

I spent my morning in the seventh ring of hell known to the common man as the Dentist's Office.

My re-done root canal was to be checked out today. They made me sit through the gag-inducing X-ray just to tell me that nothing has changed and they wouldn't be touching that tooth today.

But hey! While we have you in the chair, let's do the fillings on two of your other teeth, instead! Yippee!

Yippee my mother-fucking-ass. Really? Argh!

Two whole hours later, I drove to work with half of my mouth completely numb, my jaw in immense pain from the long periods of holding it open and my tongue hanging lazily past my lips.

As I walk into my office, the boss Man says, "Hi, how's it going?"

My standard reply of "Good" comes fumbling out of my mouth and I feel the need to follow it up with, "Don't mind the right side of my face. It's not working today."

Being the Physician's Assistant at a VA hospital that he is, his response is a witty, "If you were one of my patient's, I would be sending you down for an MRI after seeing that," and he walks off.

Hnh. Thanks. Ass. Like I didn't know I looked like the defective version of a Cewpie doll with my cheek all swollen and my eye sagging.

(And no. I did not take a picture of that one, because really folks, no one wants to see me post seventh hell wonderment...even for the laughs.)

Oh yeah! You aren't getting a List Making Tuesday entry today. Maybe tomorrow. I am feeling a bit sleepy and a little tingly from the vicodin I just slipped down my throat and therefore will be unable to coherently make a list worth reading. :)

Failure for good reason...

Hydrocodone aka Vicodin
The most frequently reported adverse reactions include: lightheadedness, dizziness, sedation, nausea and vomiting.  Drowsiness, mental clouding, lethargy, impairment of mental and physical performance, anxiety, fear, dysphoria, psychic dependence, mood changes.

Wanna know what it does to me?  Pretty much all of the above. 

As you may have noticed, I failed the NaBloPoMo.  There was no post yesterday.  Why?  Because I had dental work done.

I do not have a great track record with dentists.  I have notoriously bad teeth and I don't visit dentists often (probably because when I do, it's extremely bad news!).  I had a root canal done when I was 17 that I had to pay for out of my own pocket.  I spent several hours on the morning of 9/11 in a dentist chair learning of the attacks on a tv screen above my head.  I was never able to seal my teeth when I was young because I have bad gag reflexes so I have consequently had to have several teeth filled over the years.  And yesterday morning, my 11 year old root canal had to be re-done.  Or started to be redone that is. 

Imagine this...

You wake up with pain (rated at a 12 on a scale from 1-10) radiating from your left cheek to your entire head, neck and shoulder area.  You somehow manage to get dressed and drive to the dentist office for your previously scheduled appoint but don't really remember actually operating the vehicle.  You have a seat in the waiting room until a nice assistant takes you back to a chair that faces a very large window overlooking the snowiness of a winter day outside.  Immediately you realize that you are cold.  Shivering cold, in fact.  Your whole body is all a shiver.  You place your hands in your jacket pockets and cross your legs in an effort to keep yourself warm. 
When the dentist finally gets around to looking at your teeth, you are a tad warmer but still shivering...this time with fear and anxiety.  You put your earphones in your ears but keep your hand on the volume button because you realize that even at the lowest setting you cannot hear when the dentist says to open wider.  Every time you think he is saying something to you, you must unlock and turn down the volume just to realize that he was only speaking to his assistant about the snow in his driveway or his stupid dog.  You do your best to remain calm while he uses drill after drill on your mouth and at one point gag immensely because his fat latex gloved finger touched your tender tongue.  He informs you that you have to "hang in there" and that if you swallow one of his instruments "you will have big problems".  You try not to bite his condescending finger off his chubby hand. 
When he finally finishes his torturous routine, you walk to the front desk and part yourself with the first large installment of payment.  You then make your way to the pharmacy to pick  up prescriptions for pain meds and antibiotics before heading home (all the while cussing out the receptionist that told you the procedure would take only an hour--not two!-- and result in little to no pain so you would be able to go back to work). 
Fast forward several hours...you are in bed after having thrown up for the second time.  You call the dentist's office who offers to call you in another prescription-this one to settle your stomach so you can stop puking but still allow you the pain relief you need.  You call up your dearest to pick up said prescription because you are incapable of getting out of bed long enough to go to the pharmacy.  You puke twice more before he shows up with the new medication, which you choke down with a bowl of mac-n-cheese (not the good kind, either). 

Did you imagine all of that?  Yeah?  Okay now imagine day 2...pills taken correctly cause you to be drowsy, your fingers to not cooperate properly on the keyboard and the rest of your body to be restless.  Your coworkers tease you mercilessly about not being able to open your mouth wide enough to form a greeting sentence when you answer the phone. 

Fun, fun, right?  Yep.  That has been my experiences in the past two days.  Don't you just wish you were me???

Message to the Universe...

You will have to forgive me today.

Does it ever seem like the universe just won't stop crapping on your doorstep? Like you are forever cleaning up and dealing with all of the messes that life throws at you and never getting to enjoy the silver linings even though you spend all of your time looking for them?

That is what I do on this blog. I look for the little things in life to be happy and grateful about. Today, you will have to forgive me. For today, I am not seeing th up side.

The score is me-zipola, universe-everything.

I went to the dentist today and found out that after having three days of absolutely no pay for me and two for dear hubby, I will be spending over $1400 to fix a problem that I paid $800 of my hard earned teenaged job money to fix ten fricking years ago. That's right. I had a root canal done in 1998. I spent EIGHT HUNDRED DOLLARS and several hours in a dentist chair and now it must be re-done due to a pocket of infection that wasn't taken care of to begin with.

ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay, life. I am fricking over you now. What else can you throw my way? Hmm? Another blizzard? How about another breast cancer scare? Hubby gonna lose his job tomorrow? Another parent gone forever? What have you got? You might as well just keep on kicking while I'm down becasue I guaran-fricking-tee you that when I get up (and I will get up!), I won't put up with any more of your BS!

Out.

Hump day is here again...

It is totally Hump Day. Except it doesn't feel like the middle of the week or like we are heading into the down slide. It feels like the week is just starting! Argh!

The past week has been completely full of highs and lows and since I completely missed List Making Tuesday (what was I thinking!?!), I figured I'd make a list of the good the bad and the ugly for today's post.

THE GOOD
--I voted in the 2008 presidential election because I CAN vote! Go me!
--My hubby voted for the first time ever in his life! (Yeah, I know he's 28 and he voted the opposite of me but hey, I am still super proud of him for exercising his right and taking the privelege seriously.)
--OBAMA is president!!! Oh yeah! Ooh rah! Yay!
--I am, as we speak, simmering a pot of chili for dinner and it smells so yummy that my mouth is watering. (I may only be able to cook a few things but I do those few things really well and chili is definitely one of my strong suits!)
--I got an e-mail from my best friend in Iraq and she is alive and well and only has 4 1/2 more months of deployment.
--I got to pull out my old belly dance costuming and put it to use in a pirate costume for a Halloween party.

THE BAD
--My momma is going to be out of town until next Tuesday. :(
--I have a dentist appointment in the morning to get some cavities filled. (What can I say? Bad teeth runs in my family.)
--I had to leave work early on Monday because Miss Insanity's kid was sick and she couldn't take the daycare kids and my momma had a doctor's appointment herself.
--No new episode of HOUSE last night because of the election coverage on every fricking channel!

THE UGLY
--The WTF weather!!! It is fricking snowing! After a weekend of great weather and a picnic in the park, it is now blizzarding outside! Yuck!
--California, Arizona and Florida. They are ugly. Do you know what they all have in common? Yeah. A bunch of anti-rights mother f'ers that are causing this country to take 10 steps back in the civil rights department. Double argh!

So, yeah. That is about it. Now, I am going to go back to my chili making and getting the house ready for a slumber party on Friday! Lady K and her daughter, Missy K are coming to spend the night and watch movies and eat junk food with us. I am sooooo excited! Talk to all you in the blogoshpere tomorrow!!!

List Making Tuesdays...

As a new blogger, I thought that something I should do is introduce myself (and my wacky ways) to my readers. I make lists of lists of lists on a constant basis. I am not earth-friendly in the way I abuse paper and pen in my list making because on top of being a list-maker, I am a perfectionist and cannot stand to have messed up on my list...or else I have to write it all over again. So in an effort to combine my love of lists with my introduction to the blogoshpere, I have come up with List Making Tuesdays! Each and every Tuesday, I will get on this blog and start a new (or continue an old) list. The very first list will be....drum roll please!...

100-50 Things That Make Me Who I Am

To start, you should know that I have started e-mailing this list to a group of my friends and they in turn have reciprocated with their very own lists. I bare my everything on this list...the naughty and the nice, the good and the bad, the quirky and the absolutely insane. You should learn a lot about me here. And without further ado, here is the beginning of my list...

100. I am obsessive compulsive about the stupidest things. Things like never grabbing the first item on the shelf and always having to keep the blanket tucked under my feet before falling asleep. Yep, stupid things...like making lists.

99. I am constantly convinced that I have a serious life-threatening illness. I have been called a hypochondriac a million times and my best friend has been known to ask "what kind of tumor is it this week?"

98. I very recently had my very first real life-threatening illness scare. I thought that I had breast cancer. It was way more terrifying than what is in my head.

97. When I was little, my sister, Lu-Lu, and I used to try and impress our friends by pretending to take medicine. We had some rare disease that was treated by a teaspoonful of lemon juice from the refrigerator.

96. I have always had a security blanket. Whether it's a blanket shoved up my nose or a boyfriends jacket, I feel as if I need something to protect me always. Right now, it's a green fleece jacket.

95. I am extremely long winded. I love to talk. To anyone. I can strike up a conversation with a total stranger in the grocery store. That's probably why I like to blog. But I like it when people actually listen and respond to what I say and that's why I don't like my blog (until you people start to leave comments to show me you are there).

94. If I don't feel like I can be myself, I shut down and shut up. I hate not being able to talk. It makes me feel trapped and alone. But if I am not comfortable and feel like I have to hide my true self, I stop talking altogether.

93. I can't talk in front of large groups of people. I hate speeches. I took a speech class in college and everytime I got up to give a speech, I would hyperventilate and shake horribly. I got a C in that class because the teacher was a bitch.

92. I am afraid of illogical things. Like snakes biting my ass while I pee and the remote control giving me brain damage if I point it at my head.

91. I am also afraid of spiders (I scream like a girl), snakes (more screaming), the dark (although I must sleep in total darkness) and ghosts.

90. "The Blair Witch Project" movie scared the bejesus out of me because I watched it in my Dear Hubby's living room in his house in the middle of the woods while we were dating. Add that to my fear of ghosts and I was scared pretty shitless.

89. I am more scared of ghosts, aliens and supernatural things than I am of serial killers and rapists because they are more unpredictable and less is known about them. The uncertainty is the scary part.

88. I have an escape route from my bedroom in my mind for every instance from fire to rapist entering my home. I know exactly what I would do in each case and what I would grab on the way out.

87. I am a natural blonde and I love the look and feel of long hair but I change my hair often. I have had boy short hair and almost butt length. I have tried perms and I color my hair alot. Every time I have changed my hair in my adult life it's been because I hit a point in my life where I needed a life change and a different direction.

86. I never worry about what the cut or color will come out looking like (which is good because I have had stripes of multiple colors) because I know that it is just hair and it will eventually grow back and can always be covered over. Although, I have looked back at pictures of myself and realized that I looked rather weird at points of my life.

85. I don't ever notice age on a person. I cannot look at someone and guess what age they are. I look at people and see a personality and a smile and that tells me whether or not we are compatible. I never see someone as being too young or old to be my friend.

84. I have a fear of old people. Not really the people themselves, but really a fear of what they represent. To me they represent time passing and the end of days when the lights all go out and you are no longer in existance. That, to me, is scary as shit.

83. I am terrified to die and terrified of death but I have thought of a scenario for every single way that I could possibly die. It's like an obsession with me. I have a plan for every possibility.

82. I am crazy about planning. If I don't have a plan ahead of time, I am lost and confused. I have to plan things like trips in great detail because I need to have a purpose and a point to life. Nothaving a plan...being spontaneous...holds the possibility of me having a panic attack or just breaking down entirely. Just give me my pen and paper and leave me alone to plan the thing.

81. I am likely to have a panic attack and hyperventilate if you write on my score paper while playing a game. It has to be precise and pristine with only my handwriting on it. The numbers must be straight and pretty. Even the doodles have to be perfect. Do Not Touch My Paper!!!

80. I love to play games. All kinds of games. Most definitely strategy games like Backgammon and Othello especially if I am playing them with my husband.

79. I have been married for almost 7 years now. Today, we are good but it hasn't always been all peachy keen. It has been tough at times and like a fairy tale at others. But we are together and that is what counts. Marriage is hard.

78. My husband is, quite literally, the nicest man on Earth, and I wish that I had even half of his capacity to love others and one quarter of his belief in the good of all mankind because I am more likely to put myself first and believe the worst in everyone around me.

77. I have lived through a lot in my short lifetime and it has left me bitter towards life and believing that I have to protect myself and those that I love way more than is necessary at times. I don't want the people that I care about to have to experience what I did.

76. I am leary of any man being around my children in any capacity. My father was a child molester that never had to pay for his crimes against innocent children and it has caused me to look at men in a different light. I am careful to know the men that I allow around my children and I keep them rather close to my side in an over-protective-mama kind of way.

75. I need to be wanted and loved and I put the people around me through the paces to make them prove that they love me. This all stemmed from my father signing a paper that gave up all parental rights to me when I was young. I have never been able to overcome that. If the man that was supposed to love me the most didn't, no other man would.

74. I have always wanted a daddy even though if you were to ask, I would vehemently deny such a thing. I listen to songs or see in movies where a dad would walk his girl down the aisle or check under the bed for monsters and I didn't have that. I feel like I missed out.

73. I would sacrifice my own life to make sure that my daughter and my son have a loving father to care for them, teach them and provide for them. I'll be damned if they have to endure the lifelong pain that still plagues me.

72. Neither of my children were planned, but both of them are loved more than I could ever have imagined. My son caused me to grow up faster than I had wanted at the time. Looking back, it was for the best. I am a better person because he taught me how to be an adult.

71. My daughter was more than a surprise. I didn't want another baby at that time. I was depressed that I would have to care for another child and all around miserable at the thought of being pregnant once again. Once I felt her little heartbeat inside of me, I pulled out of the depression and loved her even more to make up for the initial reactions I had. She is my heart.

70. I have never really liked kids. They have always bugged the hell out of me. I don't like them to make a mess and I don't like to pay attention to their wants and needs and whining. But my own two kids are my reason for living. They are my life and I wouldn't change a thing about them.

69. My husband wants another child...I do not. I have a big family, as does my husband but I feel like our family is complete the way it is. I don't think that a third child would get as much love as we show our other two because I don't think I have a whole lot more love to give out. The ratio right now is perfect.

68. I am also terrified to conceive again becuase my husband's family is cursed. The third child never makes it through life. Still born, miscarriage, crib death...those are all real possibilities within his family and it always happen upon the third pregnancy. I don't have the ability to live through losing a child.

67. I bottle fed both of my children because I couldn't get over the whole nastiness I felt at having a child sucking on my boob. I did give it a try with my first baby, but felt inadequate and wrong. I have never felt that I made the wrong decision in bottle feeding my babies.

66. I have seen the live birth of two babies other than my own and I feel closer to those two little men than I do to any of the rest of my neices or nephews. Watching a baby come into the world is the most amazing experience that a person could have.

65. I am a Girl Scout co-leader. I have always wanted my daughter to be involved in scouting because I did it when I was little. I always figured that as soon as she was old enough to start, I would just start my own troop and be the leader. Before I got the chance, she was invited to be in someone else's troop so I let her join. A year later, I became the co-leader.

64. There are 10 girls in my troop and I get immense satisfaction out of seeing them succeed in both scouting and in life. Most of the girls are in the same grade as my son, so when I attend his school programs, I get to experience the joy of having several of "my kids" singing or dancing their hearts out.

63. I love to sing. I replay songs that I like and learn all of the lyrics correctly, so that I can sing along when the song comes on. I don't like to be interuppted when I sing...unless I don't know the words.

62. I like to sing karaoke but since I have such a fear of being in front of people, I don't do it very much. Only once in a while in a random bar where I don't know the people (other than whoever I am there with) and I get talked into it or someone will do it with me.

61. I don't do alcohol very much. I hate the taste of beer, I can't stand the feeling of being drunk, the room spinning, the puking, the not being in control of what I say and do. I just don't do alcohol anymore. I used to, but never that much.

60. My husband and I got so drunk the night we graduated from college at a house party that I couldn't see straight enough to find the bathroom. I peed my pants before some friends girlfriend drove us home. We then proceded to spend the night puking...one in the kitchen sink and one in the toilet. I have no other memories of that party.

59. I loved college. I loved the learning and the people and I would go back if I didn't think it was a huge waste of my money and my time.

58. I have a Degree in Accounting that is 7 years old and now completely obsolete. That is totally okay with me because Accounting was boring as hell.

57. I chose Accounting as a major because I wanted to go to school with my boyfriend (now husband) and it was the only course that sounded good...I love paperwork and I was good at math so I couldn't go wrong with Accounting, right? Wrong!

56. I now work as a secretary/administrative assistant in a real estate office. Maybe someday I will get a real estate license but for now I am loving the work of a secretary. I adore customre service, answering the phones, filing and faxing papers and working on the computer. this is a good job for me...wish it was a little more secretary work and not so much housework.

55. I hate to do housework. I hate cleaning and keeping things neat and tidy and in their places. It drives me nuts to have to waste time putting things away when I could just throw it in a pile and deal with it when I get a chance and the ambition to handle it.

54. I never do the dishes, take out the trash, or clean the toilet...at home. I have to do all of those things at work for pay but my husband does them all at home. I take care of other things like laundry and cleaning our bedroom and the kitchen counter. We have a pretty fair trade of who does what...we just both stick to what we know.

53. I am also not fond of cooking. Especially in the summer time when the weather is just too damned hot to deal with it. I am not that great of a cook either. Recipes never turn out the way they are supposed to becuase I am picky about what ingredients can go in. However, the few things that I do know how to cook, I am very good at and people love it when I do make them.

52. I can't eat things that look like, or smell like, someone puked it up. Casseroles are not cool. Hamburger Helper...forget about it. I just have to have all of my food in seperate spots on the plate and it all has to be free of nasty gravies.

51. I hated my Mother-In-Law's cooking when I first came into the family. I would always eat before I went out to her house and then pretend to eat a little while we were there. I have gotten better at trying things over the years but I was still not fond of what she'd make and I usually went home hungry and found a snack to fill me up. Now I feel guilty for never giving it the chance it deserved.

50. I have never had someone close to me die...until my Mother-In-Law. I feel cheated now because I never got to know her better, spend more time with her, or listen to more of her stories. I am having a hard time healing from the gaping wound her death left because I should have cherished the time with her more.

I was going to put all 100 in this post but as always the long-windedness of me has struck and the post is now too long. I will post 49-1 at a later date.

The Lighter Side of This...

Have you ever had a boob squishing mammogram? I can now officially say that I have. Go me! Yeah, not really. I was surprised to find out that it was, in fact, kinda funny.

I have heard a few words that women have repeatedly used to describe a mammogram...degrading (and it surely had it's moments of degradation), cold (never did feel the coldness), and squish (which I most definitely understand). In an effort to help out all of the women in America who may have to go through this in the future, I thought that I would tell you every detail so that when you do go in, you will not be unarmed. (In all truth, I just need to find the lighter side of a dark situation as this was a scary situation.)

So, my first advice is...take a good friend with you. Someone funny, quirky, and close enough to be able to talk freely about your breasts. Kit came by the office to ride with me to the hospital in the next town. The drive there was like any other day with her, just small talk and friendship. We arrived at the hospital to find that the entrance was blocked by some construction morons fixing the road! That makes for a great start to a wonderful experience. NOT! We find a parking place and Kit asks if she can take my book in with her. Sign of a true friend---a woman who is willing to read an icky romance novel while waiting at the doctors office for you when she most surely has better things to do. We make our way to the admissions desk (after stopping for directions because we women are capable of doing that!!!) where I sit down and fiddle in my purse. After a minute of waiting at what appears to be a deserted desk, I ring the bell (feeling a tad guilty for interuppting her gossip session in the next room). As I answer all of the questions and get signed in to do my test, Kit is standing behind me making odd snarling noises. I pay no mind to the woman becuase that is, of course, her normal sounding irritation at life. The admissions woman gets up and dissapears. I turn around to talk to Kit and find her wiping the dust off of all the decorations on the walls!!! Then she starts to exclaim in a none-too-quiet voice about how finding all of that dust just drives her crazy and she "wonders who cleans this place". The admissions lady comes back and tells us to meet her around the corner in the big hall. As I stand to leave, she says to Kit "I suppose you think we should clean those". Without missing a beat, Kit replies "No, I think I got it all, now." I turn the corner and about pee myself laughing. Reason one why I love Kit...she slays me!!!

So, we sit down in the waiting room and a nurse comes through the door to give me some paperwork to fill out. It is pink, of course. I fill it out to the best of my knowledge as Kit rearranges all of the magazines in the rack. I turn over the sheet and come across a drawing of...breasts. I have to draw any scars or moles that I have on my breasts. I look to Kit and say "I know I have a mole. I just don't know where!" I look up at the video camera in the corner and then decide that guessing just isn't an option, so I pull out my shirt and look down to see my boobs. Yep, there it is...on my right boob. Okay, good...so I draw a little circle on the pink paper on my lap in the correct place, look over and Kit and giggle like a little girl (probably because of the nerves, not becuase I am just that childish). The nurse comes through the door and takes the clipboard from me while I'm still trying to suppress my giggles and tells me they will be out to get me in a few minutes.

I try to focus my thoughts on the book in my hand when out of the corner of my eye I notice movement in the pane of security glass. I turn to take a look (curiosity always getting the better of me) and my heart leaps into my throat. I am about to head through a brown non-descript door to bare my breasts to some unknown person and behind the glass next to the waiting room is..............a man with a camera!!! Seriously, folks. I was floored! How exactly am I supposed to feel comfortable with the procedure that I am about to endure when there is some pervert on the other side of that door waiting to use me as the star of his next amateur porn shoot?!? Yikes! I say as much to Kit who lovingly rolls her eyes and goes back to reading her Good Housekeeping magazine (that has a slightly more interesting than my dilemma pro-lesbian ad where a woman is asking for a wife) and finally the nurse calls me in through "the door".

The rest of the boob squishing experience made me laugh just as much as it made me want to cry. Here's what the tell you when you get in but no one thinks to tell you before hand. You are handed a plethora of things to tie, tape and plaster to your upper body with very short instructions on how to do so. First you are given a "Mammowipe" (I found this to be hilarious because it is essentially a baby wipe with a stupid name) to wipe off all deodorant which can show up on the scan as calcium deposits. Then you are given PINK band-aids that have a bee-bee glued to the center of them to put over your nipples (see! even in the doctor's office there is to be no nipple-age on the screen!), pieces of pink tape to mark any lumps you may know about and different pink pieces of tape to mark and moles or scars. Finally you are given a hairdressers cape to allow yourself a molecule of privacy (except of course this one is in the mandatory cheap and flimsy fabric of all hospital gowns). When the nurse comes back in your boob is hoisted up on a platform and the nurse holds it in place as she steps on a gas pedal and a plastic plate comes zooming down to hold it in place. You have to quit breathing while the nurse steps behind the screen and the picture is taken. It's like a professional photo shoot for your breast. I tell ya what...my flattened breast felt flattered! Or not!

I walked out of the room after the procedure and pervert male nurse with camera is traipsing up and down the hall taking pictures of the women nurses. I guess he was just getting the before shots for his after hours porn shoot and he wasn't interested in the patients...just the nurses. Come to think of it, there just may have been one nurse in that little white outfit that you see in porn mags see in old psycho horror flicks can buy for Halloween. I am pretty sure that I may have, possibly seen one there. Hmm...makes one wonder.

All in all, the results were fine. I am fine and I will just wait another year for the next boob squishing annual exam. Fun times had by womankind.

Find the little humor in the day and you will find the silver linings in the gray.

Trip to the great unknown...

Okay, so it's not so unkown because it's a trip that I have had to make every year for the last seven years and it is soooooo definitely not great in any terms of the word. So yeah, I guess my title sucked.

All right, I know that you are wondering where I took this splendiferous (hey, I think it's a word!!) trip to, right? Well, I won't keep y ou guessing any longer. I hopped in my car and drove over 20 miles to a nearby town that actually has some decent health care facilities to have my annual hmmmhmmm woman check-up.

For once, I didn't have to sit in the waiting room very long (although I wouldn't have minded on that particular day because I had a good book with me and I haven't had a lot of chances to read for more than 5 minutes lately--and five minutes of reading does not allow one to submerge themselves in a different reality at all). Anyway, I digress. I get called back at the same time as an older couple with a tiny baby boy (I swear the kid was dressed like a girl!). I patiently followed them back and waited my turn to be shoved into an exam room. As soon as she instructs the parents to strip the child down to a diaper, she leads me into a room and immediately says, "Let's get your weight". Now for the record, I have never had weight issues. I was a skinny scrawny bean pole of a girl in high school, completely hid my first pregnancy until I was seven months along and have been a comfortable size, even if I do now have "mommy boobs" and "wide hips". I am of the opinion that you cannot bitch about something that you are not willing to work to change and since I am completely against exercising and I love my junk food, I cannot bitch about being fat even if I was.

So anyway, I follow the nurse out of the room, all the while listening to her bitch about a back ache that she has because of catching a child who walked off an exam table the day before. I step on the scale and the next thing I know, the nurse stops in mid sentance to say..."Moo. Okay let's get your blood pressure." I did a quick double take and stepped off the scale just to hear it repeat her word..."MOOOOOO". Okay, now, a scale has never mooed at me before, so this is a new experience to me. I knew in the back of my mind (and in all of the "I'm fat" comments to my dear hubby) that I was gaining weight, but this was proof positive that it wasn't in my head. I had in fact gained probably 20-30 pounds!!! Yikes.

On with the appointment...the nurse never quit talking about her back. In fact, she was so concerned with her own pain that she never once asked me about what I was being seen for. She handed me a gown and stepped out of the room. In comes the doctor (a minute before I was actually ready for her to come in) and she is all business and ready to go with a smile on her face. The visit went like this...

Her: question, question...poke...small talk about weather...prod
Me: answer, shrug...squirm...answer small talk...cringe
Her: another question...this will be cold...shove, tickle, poke
Me: answer, stare into light in ceiling...yikes...squirm, move, clench
Her: all done, question about family history..."You need a mammogram, please get dressed and schedule it at the desk on your way out"...walks out the door
Me: look in mirror and wonder what just happened, get dressed, go to desk, schedule mammogram, walk to other desk, pay bill (10% discount for paying in full! Whoo hoo!), walk out of clinic, get in car, freak the fuck out (I am only 27 and didn't expect to need the boob squishing experience for several more years!!!)

Crap! Is there a bright side? Um, no. So, yeah...on with life, I suppose.

Worst possible Monday!!!

This is now officially the worst Monday that I have had in a long time. Why? Well, here is today's two biggest pieces of news...

1) The doctor has ordered me to no longer drink pop. I can have one 12 oz can of soda a day! One! Not a bottle, not a fountain drink. Only 12 oz. No more than that. Ugh!!! I drink pop all the time. Everyday. At least one if not six. What the hell am I going to do now? I tried to stop drinking pop before and do you know how it ended up? With me craving it and drinking even more after only 6 days of going without!!! So, good news for my waistline (which by the way has continued to grow and I tell you that the doctor's scale cannot be right!!!) and even better news for my teeth (which are probably FULL of cavities no matter how often I brush). But the point is that this is bad news for my temperament. And that leads me to bad news number two...

2) My daycare lady just told me that she is quitting the daycare business!!! I have exactly 13 days to find a new one!!! I looked and looked for this one. I stressed about finding it. I cried about putting my kids in daycare to begin with and now...now...I have to do it all over again! Right before school gets out! Right when they will have to spend all day with someone other than me. How the hell am I going to go through all of this again? WTF! Can I just quit my job and go back to being home with them all the time? Please. I just can't handle looking for another daycare...again. The options in this town are very limited and I just can't handle this again!!!

I need a fucking pop. A pop that I can't fricking have because the stupid ass doctor thinks that it isn't good for me. Well, if she had to deal with me on a day like today for more than the ten minutes that she did, she would see that pop is a vital part of my life!!! Help!

I have to go get my kids from bowling, which by the way, they both started today. They are going to have so much fun!

So, trying to stay positive, here are the little things to be thankful for...
...dear hubby went to the bowling alley to sign the kids up so that I didn't have to take off more work.
...mom is taking Bubba to the doctor tomorrow to get his warts frozen off so that I can go back to my doctor on Wednesday and not have to take off work three days in a row.
...I don't have to cook tonight because older sis and neice are in town and we are eating dinner with them at my mom's house.
...I am alive. Thank goodnes..

Keep watching for those little things in your own life and I will try to stop sweating the small stuff.