Is that a gun or are you just happy to...what the hell are you packing in there!?!

"Spin the globe and pick a spot -- it's time for you to satisfy some wanderlust."

That is my horoscope for today.  Fitting, since I am off to Germany in 8 DAYS!!!  I have spun the globe, so to speak, and I am soon off to satisfy some of the travel bug that has been biting my ass for the last year. 

We have the itinerary set.  The babysitter and dog sitter is lined up.  The tickets are purchased and everyone has been informed we are leaving for a few weeks.  The only things left to do are get our vacation pay...and pack!

Oh my goodness, packing is such a pain in the ass!  What do I take?  What do I leave home?  I have never been on a flight longer than a couple of hours so how much stuff am I going to need to keep me from being bored out of my mind?

"Leave the gun.  Take the cannoli."

Well, that is good in theory but in actual packing instructions, that statement sucks!  Of course I have to leave the gun--I'm not a terrorist.  And I'm not so fond of cannoli so I'll pack some Twizzlers Pull-n-Peel instead.  :)

So far, my packing has gone a little like this...

"Oh look!  A fanny pack from the early '80's!  I could use that to hold my money and things without having to worry about a thief taking my purse.  I'll take that."  And in the suitcase it goes.

"A new Janet Evanovich book just came out!  I will buy that to read on the plane ride over."  And a trip to the store is made to buy the book and in the suitcase it goes.

"Honey!  Check this out!  You hang it around your neck and put your money and passport and ID in it so that you have it handy for customs and you don't have to reach into your pocket or search through your purse.  I'm buying one!"  Said on shopping trip to buy the above book as I through it in the cart, purchased it and then threw it in the suitcase as well.

"Here is a book light, a travel pillow, a teddy bear, a picture of my kids, a deck of cards, a puzzle book, a COSMO magazine, and a clean pair of underwear that I will need on the plane."  And in the suitcase they go.

"Oh, damn.  I forgot to do the laundry last night and now I don't have any clean underwear to wear to work.  Oh yeah!  In the suitcase!"  And out they come. 

"What is my teddy bear doing in this suitcase?  I don't need this.  I'm not seven!"  And out it comes. 

"Where did I put that book light?  I want to read and the Hubby is sleeping so I can't turn on the light.  Oh yeah!  The suitcase!"  And out it comes. 

"Well, shit.  Now I messed up my checklist by taking things out of the suitcase!  I either have to write it all over or, or..."  And the contents get dumped back out on my bed to be put back where they were eventually put away.

*sigh*  I guess I will start all over tomorrow. 

I was arrested for…

I am huge into texting (and every other technology, truthfully) and I got a good text tonight that has given me countless minutes of laughter and thought.

The text said…You saw me in a police car. What would you think I got arrested for?

The idea is that you answer it for the person that sent it to you and then you forward it to everyone you know to see how many crimes you are accused of.

I sent it on and before I started receiving answers, I asked my family what their responses would be. It has amazed me the kind of crimes people have come up with!

Daughter (7 years old)…speeding. Yes, yes, my dear readers. I am that person. I speed constantly. Bad habit, I know. After coming up with that one, she also had another answer…”not turning on your lights at dark time and then running into cars and then going off a bridge.” I quickly informed her that I wanted to know why I was in the cop car, not how I was going to die!

Husband…perceived child abuse. Now don’t start jumping to conclusions on me. He said perceived. I have this habit of lightly smacking my son on the back of his head when he’s not listening to me. Dear Hubby thinks that if I were to do that in public someone could perceive that as child abuse.

Son (8 years old)…drinking. Interesting answer since I don’t drink! It was the only answer he could think of for why someone would be in a cop car!!!

Husband’s friend from work…public nudity. What can I say? He’s a 20-something guy and obviously that is all he thinks about. Even though that would be the last thing I would be in for.

Best friend, Lady K…burying the evil neighbor in the back yard and letting stray dogs live in his house ;). That one was funnier than the rest because I tout a huge hatred of dogs (despite the fact that I have two as pets!). My response to her…like I would be nice to stray dogs?

Cousin…disorderly conduct for yelling at someone. Oh holy hell! If you really knew me, you would know how true that could be!!!

Friend of mine...reckless driving! How right he is, how right he is! But wait...doesn't that mean that I drive without getting in a wreck? It does right?

My answer for myself…anything to do with horrible driving! Texting while driving, speeding, rear ending someone while talking on my cell phone, running a red light, reckless driving…any number of things to do with a car. I suck at driving people. Completely suck!

How stupid is it that one ridiculous text has given me so much entertainment?

Warning: Take heed of directions before lighting!

If the firework says “read additional instructions on launch tube”, it is quite likely that you should not haphazardly light said firework in close vicinity to your children, your spouse and your van. 

However, if you do happen to light said firework around said objects and people, please be ready to run like hell when said firework starts to shoot actual fire. 

 

But if you are the person sitting inside the safety of the van, be sure to relentlessly tease, taunt and torture the moron who lit the firework found at THE DUMP in the first place about the terrified look on his face when said firework ended up being one that should have been launched into the sky and not one lit on the ground because said firework was in THE DUMP for a reason, as witnessed by the fact that the fuse was a dud and therefore had to be lit right close tot he explosion point. 

And that, folks, is our 4th of July lesson for today. 

Please be careful with those fireworks.  :)

No one was hurt in the acts of stupidity above.  It was actually quite funny and we all got one hell of a laugh out of the ordeal. 

Friday Rants and Raves…

It’s Friday.  The Friday before a busy whirlwind weekend of work and play.  The Friday before I go back to being the mother of two instead of four.  *sigh*

I only have two words for you now…Thank Goodness.

The last four weeks have been filled with reminder upon reminder as to why I stopped at two children instead of continuing on to have a big family.  Two kids…one for each parent, one for each hand, one for each side of my overused and underpaid brain.  That is enough for me.  I was not and am not cut out to be the parent of more than my two little devils angels.

Of this, I am absolutely certain.  NO MORE CHILDREN IN MY FUTURE!!

And to clear my head and get my readers up to date on the life that disappeared over the past few months, here is my rundown of Friday Rants and Raves. 

RANT…Mother Nature has decided to go from blessing us with blizzard upon blizzard to bestowing upon us the gift of immense heat.  Boob sweat is not pretty, folks.  Not pretty at all. 

RAVE…we have a fun filled Sunday planned (if Mother Nature decides to cooperate with the weather) of climbing in a maze of rocks and stomping through a creek.  It should be a blast with all of the people that are cited to join us.  And there will be cupcakes.  Everyone knows that cupcakes are a reason to rave, right? 

RANT…my basement remodel project has taken exceptionally longer than it was supposed to.  Well meaning offers of help have not materialized into actual labor and although I understand the immense busy-ness of everyone’s lives, I am about ready to tear my hair out and announce that we are just moving as it would be easier (and faster) to complete.

RAVE…I board a plane bound for Germany in 26 days!!!  Does this need any more explanation?

RANT…I board a plane bound for Germany in 26 days!!!  Only 26!!!  How the hello will I get everything done and everything packed in that short amount of time!!!

RANT…The A/C just blew a breaker.  *sigh*

RAVE…I fixed it myself---without calling or texting the hubby!!!

RANT…I thought a household of four had mountains of laundry to high to scale but a household of six has turned those mountains into the Himalayas of Laundry!  I could do six loads a day and still not dent the piles of clothes.

RAVE…getting back into the swing of blogging seems to be easier than I thought since this post just came together beneath my fingertips.  Will I be back tomorrow?  Any one want to lay odds on that?  Yeah.  I wouldn’t either.  :)

Enjoy your weekend, readers!

On and on and on...about nothing.

I know. It's been a while. I can't really explain my absence except for to say that I just wasn't into it. Blogging, I mean. I just wasn't into blogging. A lot has been happening and instead of coming on here and bitching and moaning about the bad luck in my life, I just quit blogging all together. I haven't even read blogs. I have juist been out of touch completely in the Blogoshpere and, well, I'm not really sorry about it, I guess.

But I suppose I am back. Sitting at the library on thier public computer when I have a perfectly great laptop of my own at home. Using the keys that have been touched by every Tom, Dick and Henrietta in this town, just knowing that I will be getting some sort of virus from this experience. And why? Well, because my kids are in Story Hour and I didn't feel like sitting around reading a book at the moment. Although, I will have to such in just a few short minutes because there is a time limit on public computers, ya know. Half an hour. No longer unless they aren't busy. Then I can have an hour but that is the maximum per day. One hour.

Do you know that I would just about die with only one hour of internet or computer time a day? I really would. I have filled my days since my hours changed by using the internet and my laptop to watch "Brothers and Sisters". I am up to season 3 and am almost done with that. What a great show. I keep wishing that my family were like that. Way too much drama but the complete honesty and constant family dinners would be wonderful. :)

So, I am completely rambling on about nothing at all. I have nothing to say really. Just wanted to get back on and write a post since I have not been here in goodness knows how long. I am hoping to get back into the swing of this blogging thing. It has been great therapy in the past and although I don't necessarily need therapy right now, I could use an outlet once in a while.