maybe this is how it was

darkness creeps
emotions boil
hands shake
heart pounds
the air quits coming...
and i collapse

without a second thought...
blood drips

the razor hits the floor

i breathe in the light
a release is found
the darkness starts to fade
one more breath
and i start my life again

i look down...
and see...
the aftermath
of an unbalanced moment in time

they will see my pain
understand
and i will be okay

this condition that i found...

evened out this head of mine

but nothing short of angled

never will it once again, i fear

be anything but tangled

bells that clang inside my ears

combat the tremors in my digits

the winner then to be attacked

by medicine and widgets

grumbling in my stomach leads

the expanding of my core

the frame that i call my own

will be my own no more

changes breaking quickly

this condition that i found

the mountains and the valleys

the rocks i move around

it all will make some sort of sense

the time i hope draws nigh

even and untangled

for it is it and i am i

together makes it me

Do people even read blogs anymore?

Well, do they?

I quit reading blogs about the same time that I quit writing this one...  

four long years ago.

A lot happens in four years.  On my 29th birthday, I wrote a post in this blog with a list of things that I had done in my lifetime.  Well, here it is five years later and I am 34.  Wanna know what I have done in the past five years?

Here goes...

...asked for a divorce.

...was granted a divorce.

...cried as my baby boy turned into a teenager.

...slept in the desserts of New Mexico, again.

...rekindled old friendships.

...began to learn how to fight in armor.

...been diagnosed as bi-polar and depressed.

...left a group of friends behind for good.

...lived on my own for the first time.

...got a boyfriend.

...moved in with my boyfriend.

...had family pictures taken with just me and my kids.

...dyed my hair.

...shaved half my head.

...shaved my daughters head all except for her bangs.

...taken trips with friends.

...taken trips with family.

...taken trips to see family.

...got scared of the ocean.

...connected with new family.

...connected with a stranger.

...started a new blog.

...abandoned my blogs all together.

...watched as my babies hit puberty.

...sent naked pics via text.

...had the Shamu experience at Sea World.

...visited California...twice.

...developed an addiction to iced coffee.

...continued to lead my daughters Girl Scout troop.

...allowed my sons girlfriend to sleep over.

...quit a job.

...started a new job as an office manager.

...moved into a house.

...started being with my children every other week.

...was on a bowling league for two years.

...subbed for a bowling league team.

...started a couponing hobby.

...saved my family money.

...spent my family money.

...decided I was Taoist.

...accepted the fact that I am not perfect.

...became a better person.

...became a more me-er me.  

It's been a crazy ride for the last five years.  I quit writing this blog around the time that my marriage began to end.  I am back again because I have gotten medical help for the mental issues that plagued me throughout my life and I want to write.  I need to write.  I need to just be me.  

I hope you don't mind.

By the way...my name is Janelle.  It's nice to meet ya.

in my eyes...

i'm tired of the nonsense
when it seeps into my veins
moving at a breakneck pace
i can't seem to grab the reigns
barreling through this life of mine
the days go whizzing by
the hours, the minutes, the seconds
every moment seems to fly
i'm reaching out with open hands
and grasp ahold of air
objects floating out through space
but its as if nothing is there
i open up my eyes to see
the never ending black
i close my eyes back up to see
every single thing i lack
as if its all printed
right on these lids of mine
and all i have to do is close my eyes
and the action stops all time
i close my eyes to take a break
from everything that binds
i end up staring at all the things
that always haunt my mind
i open up my eyes again
and see all the things i love
the nonsense starts to melt away
and i see what i am made of

And then what?

As I sat in my minivan and ate my lunchtime taco, I was struck with a rather paralyzing thought.  I’m going to die…and then what?  This world will no longer be mine to live in.  These people will no longer be mine to hold.  These things and times will no longer be mine to cherish and enjoy.  And then what? 

Darkness?
Blackness?
Empty, sad body locked away in a pine box to be eaten away at by bugs and other ground dwelling creatures? 
Soul-less? 

And if so, where will my soul be?
Will I know it’s my soul?
Will I still be conscious of where I am and who is around me?
Will I be with people I know?
Or alone?
Or does it depend completely on how good of a person I was?
Do my actions alter my final destination daily? 
I was good today, so if I died I would surely go somewhere good, but yesterday I was horrible, so if I had died I would surely have gone someplace bad.  Is that how it works?
How will I know?
Should I be afraid?

I am afraid of so many things, death being close to the top of the list, that although this thought process paralyzes my mind, my body still soldiers on through life.  And then I am left with a day that wasn’t lived at all because my mind was stuck running in circles trying to round up the fear instead of focusing on the things that I will surely miss when I am gone. 

Another day passed.  How many of those have I not actually lived?

Does that make sense?  I am alive and yet there are days where I did not live.  Did not thrive and experience all that was set before me.  Days where I let the fear of the after death (or the fear of failure to complete, or mile-long to do lists that cripple my ability to do anything, or just plain lazy assedness) stop me from actually living.  I’m not talking about living life to it’s fullest or experiencing everything just to have tried it.  I am talking about actually living.  There are days that I have been a zombie…moving but not actually alive.  And what’s the point in living if you are actually dead?

When I began writing this blog, it was partially to remind myself to enjoy the little things in my life so that I wasn’t just zombie walking through my days.  I wanted to keep my eyes wide open to see what was set out before me.  I wanted to appreciate the smallest of things in my life but even this blog can’t make me remember every single day.  I get so tied up in the immensity of the bigger things that the little things just slip unnoticed from my day and I find myself living yet another day without actually living. 

And then someone comes along and reminds me.

Reminds me that the ring on my finger signifies that someone loves me and waits to see me every night when I get home…and I should remember to cherish that. 

Reminds me that I am a good mom and the smallest of things (like being a Teddy Bear doctor) will stay with my babies forever.

Reminds me that friendships are not always constant but that they can endure if we remember to appreciate them.

Reminds me that my family is going to be there for me no matter what—even if what I need is in the form of hard labor.

So, in an effort to have lived this day instead of zombie walking through it, I want to thank all of the “someones” that have reminded me to live.