Spicing up the Little Things...

in my eyes...

2010-08-31T15:17:00.000-07:00

i'm tired of the nonsense
when it seeps into my veins
moving at a breakneck pace
i can't seem to grab the reigns
barreling through this life of mine
the days go whizzing by
the hours, the minutes, the seconds
every moment seems to fly
i'm reaching out with open hands
and grasp ahold of air
objects floating out through space
but its as if nothing is there
i open up my eyes to see
the never ending black
i close my eyes back up to see
every single thing i lack
as if its all printed
right on these lids of mine
and all i have to do is close my eyes
and the action stops all time
i close my eyes to take a break
from everything that binds
i end up staring at all the things
that always haunt my mind
i open up my eyes again
and see all the things i love
the nonsense starts to melt away
and i see what i am made of

And then what?

2010-04-19T20:49:00.001-07:00

As I sat in my minivan and ate my lunchtime taco, I was struck with a rather paralyzing thought. I’m going to die…and then what? This world will no longer be mine to live in. These people will no longer be mine to hold. These things and times will no longer be mine to cherish and enjoy. And then what?

Darkness?
Blackness?
Empty, sad body locked away in a pine box to be eaten away at by bugs and other ground dwelling creatures?
Soul-less?

And if so, where will my soul be?
Will I know it’s my soul?
Will I still be conscious of where I am and who is around me?
Will I be with people I know?
Or alone?
Or does it depend completely on how good of a person I was?
Do my actions alter my final destination daily?
I was good today, so if I died I would surely go somewhere good, but yesterday I was horrible, so if I had died I would surely have gone someplace bad. Is that how it works?
How will I know?
Should I be afraid?

I am afraid of so many things, death being close to the top of the list, that although this thought process paralyzes my mind, my body still soldiers on through life. And then I am left with a day that wasn’t lived at all because my mind was stuck running in circles trying to round up the fear instead of focusing on the things that I will surely miss when I am gone.

Another day passed. How many of those have I not actually lived?

Does that make sense? I am alive and yet there are days where I did not live. Did not thrive and experience all that was set before me. Days where I let the fear of the after death (or the fear of failure to complete, or mile-long to do lists that cripple my ability to do anything, or just plain lazy assedness) stop me from actually living. I’m not talking about living life to it’s fullest or experiencing everything just to have tried it. I am talking about actually living. There are days that I have been a zombie…moving but not actually alive. And what’s the point in living if you are actually dead?

When I began writing this blog, it was partially to remind myself to enjoy the little things in my life so that I wasn’t just zombie walking through my days. I wanted to keep my eyes wide open to see what was set out before me. I wanted to appreciate the smallest of things in my life but even this blog can’t make me remember every single day. I get so tied up in the immensity of the bigger things that the little things just slip unnoticed from my day and I find myself living yet another day without actually living.

And then someone comes along and reminds me.

Reminds me that the ring on my finger signifies that someone loves me and waits to see me every night when I get home…and I should remember to cherish that.

Reminds me that I am a good mom and the smallest of things (like being a Teddy Bear doctor) will stay with my babies forever.

Reminds me that friendships are not always constant but that they can endure if we remember to appreciate them.

Reminds me that my family is going to be there for me no matter what—even if what I need is in the form of hard labor.

So, in an effort to have lived this day instead of zombie walking through it, I want to thank all of the “someones” that have reminded me to live.

The attack...

2010-01-07T11:06:00.004-07:00

Water nymphs stand behind my eyes and menacingly stab as they try to break free; their tiny little spears stinging harder and harder with each thrust.

Quaking gnomes reside within my hands sending their shivers out at sporadic intervals; each growing in intensity as the seconds tick away on the clock.

Tiny constrictors snake around my lungs; squeezing tighter and tighter everytime clean air attempts its entrance.

Bubbles form themselves and rise up until they pop their acidic masses against the top and sides of my stomach.

Microscopic sumo wrestling elves slam their fat little bodies into the sides of my heart causing it to violently pump the blood in and out; racing, making my chest walls rise and fall in an abnormal rhythm.

The seahorses swimming through my veins begin to drown in the racing bloodstream and come to the surface for air, bursting the vessels and causing a redness to spread throughout my cheeks.

And all the while...

The queen sits upon her throne at the pinnacle of my head. Begging, pleading for the tormenters to stop their attack; sending shockwaves of demands through my system that are just as quickly sent back stamped with "return to sender-we will not oblige".

She cannot stop the cretins. I cannot stop them.

My body gives in to the attack as wave after wave of overwhelming anxiety rip through me like a tsunami eating an oceanside village.

I gasp for air. I call out for help.

Neither air nor help comes calling back.

I begin to drown in the waves just as the creatures within me begin to tire.

They slow. I crash.

Then, with one last blow from each and everyone of them...

I fall.

They have won their wretched little war upon my being. Despair has found its way in once again and I am locked within its dungeon; the light of day a distant memory.

Let's Start Fresh, Shall We?

2010-01-05T12:55:00.004-07:00

Someone once told me that they don't believe in New Year's Resolutions because if a person is going to resolve to do something they should just do the thing they resolve to do and not wait for the start of a brand new year.

I agree with that...in principal.

In reality, though, I make half-assed New Year's Resolutions just like the masses.

But, in my complete defense, my resolutions have less to do with the starting of a New Year and more to do with my Obsessive Compulsive (OCD) tendencies. I like to know the exact date in which I started something and I really prefer if that date is easy to begin counting by...and what better date to start counting from than January 1st? Right? Yeah, I know I'm a little crazy at times. You'll learn to live with it. :)

My only resolution for this New Year...really for this new decade...is to start fresh.

Everyday.

I want to start fresh every morning with a brand new go-get-'em attitude and at least a half-hearted smile ('cuz really...who can smile whole-heartedly first thing in the morning?).

It sounds easy but I probably won't be able to pull this one off either!

I cannot count 2009 as a good year, nor can I write it off as a bad one. Good things happen, bad things happen...and to label a full 365 days as all good, or alternately all bad, is a bunch of hooey. For those negative-nellies out there...stop focusing on the negatives and realize there were also positives. If you are seeing the glass as half-full and sunshine is coming out of your butt...start recalling that one time that someone popped your balloon and you crashed right on down to earth.

And stop telling me that you hope this year will be "the best year yet". I appreciate the sentiment. I really do. But I actually enjoy the ups and downs of my life and I believe in the yin and yang. A year that is nothing but good could only lead to a follow-up year of holy-shit hell. Please, don't wish that upon me.

Anyway, for all of you, I wish that 2010...
...has challenges that you can not only endure but also conquer.
...allows you to frown so that you can appreciate the feeling of a smile.
...brings you new friends that could never replace the old but stand strong beside them.
...keeps you busy and on your toes without taking away the time to stop and smell the flowers.

and most of all...

I wish that 2010 brings you love and hugs and kisses in abundance during times of great need and also in times of great joy.

Because that is what will make the world go 'round in the end.

"All you need is love...love. Love is all you need. Love is all you need."

How big was that piece of straw anyway?

2009-09-24T09:54:00.001-07:00

You know how there's always the straw that broke the camel's back? I don't even know where that saying came from. All I know is that it means that there was one little thing that was added to everything else and the weight of that one little thing caused the camel to go sprawling on the floor in pain. His owner probably then had to shoot him and sell him to the glue factory because he was no longer useful (I assume that's what they do since that is what they do to horses with broken legs and camels are just horses with humps, right?). But my point is that there is always that one little thing. The one thing that makes a person realize that it's just too much. That something is wrong and needs to change. One little thing that causes everything else to come crashing down.

For me, it was laundry.

I opened the door to the laundry room, after having tucked the kids into bed, knowing that I had to wash some jeans to wear to work the next day. When I opened that door, I was greeted with a pile so large and so right-in-front-of-the-door. That pile of laundry caused a reaction that was both completely out of the blue and yet completely foreseeable at the same time.

I stopped breathing. Tears flowed from my eyes. And I broke down.

The straw had broken the camel's back.

And in that instant, I could no longer deny the fact that there is something wrong. Something big and scary. Something that makes me feel broken in ways that only those who have experienced it can imagine. Something that is so hard for me to say and to admit to that I can barely even think the word. It's taboo.

But it's familiar ground for me. I know what I am talking about and I recognize the symptoms.

I am irritable. Beyond belief, really. I snap at people. I yell at the kids all the time for things that aren't really in their control. My punishments to them are too severe for their crimes (grounding for a day just for 10 minutes late being home? Over react much?). I am more of a control freak than usual. People get on my nerves when I should be able to just let it slide off my back.

I don't talk. I think of a lot of things to say but it's too much energy to say them. I don't listen either. I have to ask people to repeat things constantly because I have tuned them out. And not because I have something better to listen to,but because there is literally nothing going through my head. It's blank. My mind is never blank, so this scares me a lot.

The smallest things make me anxious, make me sweat and shake. Garage saleing with my Aunt, three people walking into my office all at once when I was alone, writing a to do list of things that need to be done that day, balancing my checkbook. It all causes me great anxiety and stress to just think about.

I haven't been reading even though I always carry my book. I obviously haven't been blogging or doing any other writing for that matter. My home office remains in a half finished state even though I was once completely excited to have my own space and need it to be functional by next Tuesday. I don't text or talk to my friends or family unless they make first contact. I don't doodle and mind puzzles make me anxious unless someone else is helping me with them. I am not excited for a girl's night out even though it's already been planned.

I don't eat much or drink much. I am craving something that I can never identify. I am tired constantly. I fall asleep around nine and then sleep badly all night. Waking up several times just to sigh and try to return to sleep. I could cry at the drop of a hat.

When I am driving, I am not paying close attention because sometimes when cars pass my thoughts go to what would happen if I swerved over into their lane or they into mine. My thoughts always end there and I go about my day but the thoughts scare me because they aren't normal thoughts, right?

Not that anything about me is normal when I am feeling normal but the point is that I'm not feeling normal.

Does that make sense?

I guess the point is that this is me, admitting that I have a problem. It's not the first time in my life. I've been medicated for this same affliction twice before.

It's called depression.

I'm calling the doctor tomorrow.

Can you be youer than you?

2009-09-17T10:12:00.001-07:00

It's easy for me to make friends. It always has been. My secret? I talk. A lot. To anyone and everyone around me. I tell people more than they want to know, always. I make sure that every detail is fully covered and talked about and it disrupts my inner being to be cut off in the middle of a conversation with someone.

I love having those hard talks that no one seems to want to have. The ones where someone ends up with tear tracks on their cheeks because the emotions are just too much to bear. I love to argue my point until the other person understands where I am coming from but I also don't shy away from admitting that I am wrong. Because sometimes, I am. In fact, I am often the wrong one.

I am an over-sharing kind of person. If you have spent any real amount of time in my presence, you know the things that I have issues with (loss, abandonment, infidelity) as well as, the things I fear (spiders, death, my father) and love (my husband, my kids, myself). Some of those topics come readily to my lips and others take a bit more coaxing depending on who I am talking to and what kind of image I feel I must present to that person.

I want to be who I am-fully and without apology-but some situations call for me to act in a certain way that isn't really in my description of me. There are times when I have to be guarded about the things I say and the way I act.

Girl Scouts, for example. I have to reign in the cuss words and the antics to present a more well-rounded and responsible adult or the girls would never take me seriously.

At the kid's school is another example. When I know that I will be entering the school building for a conference or on official Girl Scout business, I try to dress and act a certain way. I look very young for my age (I am 29 but look as though I am barely 17) so I try to portray a rather mature adult so that the teachers take me seriously as a parent and a leader. That is often rather hard to do.

But other than in official parent or leader situations, I am less likely to worry about the way I am portrayed to the people around me. I am who I am and you are either going to love me fully or hate me just as completely. I accept that. It's fine with me because I know who I am and what I stand for and as Dr. Suess said so aptly...

"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those that matter don't mind."

I try to be real. I try to never be perceived as something I am not. I know what I am and I want you to know it, too.

I am loud. I can be obnoxious. I think I'm funny, playful, even witty at times. I am smart, outgoing, hard-working when I feel like it, lazy almost always. I refuse to clean the toilet or do the dishes, but will always do the laundry. I like to have fun as long as it is not immature antics. I love to talk and meet new people. I love to hear about your life and your problems as long as you don't expect me to fix it all for you.

What I am not is perfect. At all.

I have a wonderful loving husband and two beautiful children. I have two dogs and a house that is just short of having a white picket fence. I live in small town America and work at a job that affords me the luxury of being home for my children everyday when they get out of school. My husband makes enough money at his job to support us financially in a way that is more than comfortable. I have a good relationship with my mom and live close enough to see her every day if I choose to do so. I have extended family that is always willing to babysit for the hubby and I to go on date nights. I volunteer my time as a Girl Scout leader.

That's the surface. Look a little closer.

My husband and I have not always been so loving and wonderful together. Our almost eight years together have been fraught with highs and lows. The death of his mother helped us (me) to realize where the important things in life really lie and taught me to grab hold tight of the good things. My husband is a good thing.

My children are great. But they are children and they annoy the ever living hell out of me. I resented having to be a stay-at-home-mom and learned the wonderful habits of yelling and sitting on my ass constantly. I still yell more than I should. I can't keep a constant discipline (not that they are bad enough to need it) nor can I keep up the routine of chores and allowance. I am a lazy parent with potential.

I hate my dogs and never spend enough time with them. And my house sits directly behind a car wash on a dirt road. There is always trash in my front yard blown in from their garbage cans.

My job is boring and my boss is passive aggressive. Since I am lazy, that isn't a great combination. I tried to quit and they told me I couldn't so we worked out a deal and now I only work part-time and get to be there for my kids whenever I need to be. Everything is a trade-off. I deal with the job because it benefits my family.

My husband has a great job...but it takes precedence sometimes. It's hard to get him to take time off because he cares so much.

Living close enough to my mom to see her everyday is a blessing and a curse. It means that I am the one responsible for her and that I don't get that "oh I haven't seen you in forever" hug that the others get when they come home.

Extended family to babysit is nice but it also means there is always other people to worry about and deal with and plan around for every occasion. That gets stressful.

Leading a Girl Scout troop is more work than I ever cared to deal with because I don't like kids. I hate them. Stinky, sticky little creatures that argue and can't pay attention and break things and did I mention they are stinky? Teaching them what they need to know is difficult work.

So, see? I am not perfect and you shouldn't perceive me to be. Ever. I have my issues, I just may not have laid them on the table for you yet. I am not interested in coming right out and saying "Hey. Guess what the biggest fuck up I've made in my life is." But if the conversation arises or if you ask me point blank, I will tell you honestly. And you may or may not be surprised.

Every thing that has happened in my life has brought me right to this moment so I wouldn't change a thing. I regret that people have been hurt tremendously by me. I hate some of the things I have done. But it is all me. It's my life and I will own up to my mistakes. If not for my own benefit, then for yours. Maybe you can learn from the mistakes I have made.

That is my road less traveled.

Today you are you, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is youer than you.
--Dr. Suess

Blocking a writer is like reminding you of childhood memories that you may or may not have even had.

2009-09-16T12:28:00.001-07:00

You remember when you were a little kid and you sat out in front of your house on the curb right after a rain storm? How you would pile up rocks and pebbles making a dam in the water flow? How you would get mad that you had to pile the rocks even tighter every couple seconds because the water would find the tiny cracks between the rocks and flow through it? And then, just when you thought you had gotten all the cracks, the water just began to flow right around the dam you made, so you would have to make it wider and higher?

I wish that is how my writer's block worked. That no matter how blocked I was or how great of a dam was built, my words would always find a way to flow through the cracks or around the edges. But it just doesn't work that way for me. When I am blocked, I can't even come up with a halfway witty post to write. Well, at least I don't think they are even halfway witty.

I mean, I could write about the spider that invaded my office space yesterday and how I texted my husband for moral support as I killed the little bastard (since I was all alone in the office and there was no way him and I were going to co-exist peacefully in the same space). And how, when I scraped that little bugger off of my desk, he left a trail of blood in his wake for me to clean up (while completely gagging, of course). Or how, when I tried to flush that sucker down the toilet, he miraculously stayed in the toilet bowl even when the water drained out and refilled.

But that just isn't witty enough for a blog, right?

I could write about how the chiropractor asked my son if he was suffering from any headaches since his last visit and in response, Bubba laid his hand gently on his head and said, "Yeah. Everyone in my class has headaches and has gotten swine flu." I subsequently had to roll my eyes. Later that evening when I was relaying the story to my husband, Bubba came in and exclaimed rather excitedly that he had caught the swine flu bug. He had physically picked up a bug in his room and was convinced that it was the "bug" that caused one to contract the swine flu. I could also tell you how unhappy I am that the school and it's teachers are placing such an extreme view in the heads of my third and second grade children that they are terrified by every cough and sneeze in their immediate vicinity. Haven't you people heard that swine flu is a hoax?

However, that, too, isn't really blog worthy, right?

I could write you a story. Well, no I guess I can't. I can't think of one right now. My mind is too full of thought of spiders crawling back up the toilet. I think I will be holding it until I get home from now on.

I could tell you my shopping list, but that would be pointless because then when you went to the grocery store to do your shopping, you might remember the things that I needed instead of your own things and then you would get home with all these bags of groceries that you didn't really need. Then you would have to invite me over to pick up the groceries that you bought thinking they were for you when they really were for me and I don't know where you live and I don't have one of those new fangled GPS systems because I still live in the decade of the 90's and therefore would get lost without directions and even if you gave me directions, I am horrible at following them and the food would all go bad or your dog would eat it before I got there and then it would have been a wasted trip. So there is no point in me telling you my shopping list. (Yes, I live with the "If you give a mouse a cookie" mentality every day of my life.)

I could remind you to drink more water in your day to day diet, but then you would smack me upside the head because I am not your mom and only your mom is allowed to tell you what you can and can't eat on a daily basis. Unless you have a nutritionist...in which case, screw you, you rich SOB for rubbing it in my face that I am fat because I don't know which foods to eat or how to eat them properly (and I am sure if I had money for a nutritionist, I would listen to him/her better than I listen to my own head when it's telling me not to eat the whole box of Wheat Thins in a single sitting). But wait. If you have a nutritionist because you need to for medical reasons, then you are exempt from the rant above because clearly you are not one of those snobby rich bitches.

I could...
I could...
I could...

But obviously, having writer's block is exactly like that little dam that you built in the gutter as a child. The flow leaks through and around those rocks but the thoughts are stilted and confusing and just plain unusable in a productive, witty blog.

*sigh*

I guess i will just have to go back to square one.

Job Opening...anyone interested???

2009-09-16T03:09:00.000-07:00

JOB DESCRIPTION: Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an, often chaotic environment.Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call.Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities! Travel expenses not reimbursed.Extensive courier duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES: The rest of your life.Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, or until someone needs $5.Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf.Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers.Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects.Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mentaloutlooks.Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next.Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices.Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product.Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.POSSIBILITY FOR

ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION: None.Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE: None required unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION: Get this: you pay them!Offering frequent raises and bonuses. When you die, you give them whatever is left.The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

BENEFITS: While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs and kisses for life if you play your cards right.

JOB TITLE: PARENT

You interested?

------------

September 16th is WORKING PARENTS DAY! So here is to all the people who chose to step up to the plate and take on the most demanding job in history. If you are a parent, you have a job. All parents are working parents. I hope you all get as much enjoyment out of it as I do. :)

Do mythical creatures have childhoods, too?

2009-09-11T10:15:00.001-07:00

My kids believe in a number of mythical and magical creatures and symbols that help them to navigate through their days as children. Things that helps them to make sense of the world around them, and keeps them feeling safe. The Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy and Santa, bring them special things. Gargoyles keep their bedrooms safe from predators and bad things. dream Catchers grab hold of the bad dreams before they enter the children's heads. The Sandman fits in there somewhere, too. They were first introduced via an episode of Baby Looney Tunes where Baby Daffy keeps trying to see the Sandman who puts sand in the corners of his eyes while he sleeps.

Unlike Santa and the Easter Bunny, the Sandman's appearance is left more to the child's imagination because of it's obscure popularity. And it's those types of things that torture the mind of Teensy. She likes to have a clear picture in her head of the things lurking in her bedroom in the middle of the night.

"Mom? Is the Sandman big or little?"

"I don't know, baby. I've never seen him."

"I did, on a movie." *

"Oh yeah? Was he big or little?"

"He started little, then got big."

"Like he grew up?"

"Kinda."

"Why? Was he in your room last night?"

"Yeah. I think he's big."

"I didn't hear him so he must not be too big."

"Maybe he's medium."

"Maybe. I didn't hear him."

"Maybe he's still little."

"Hmm. Could be."

She crinkled her nose in thought and was silent for a few minutes. Then out of nowhere, the room got brighter and she stated with the seriousness only a child could pull off...

"Maybe he's big with marshmallow feet. you can't hear marshmallow feet!"

...and she tiptoed on her little blue stool to demonstrate her point.

* I am still wracking my brain as to what "movie" she is referring to. If you come up with it, please do let me know.

On this, the day of my birth, the third day of the ninth month in the year of two thousand and nine…

2009-09-03T09:13:00.001-07:00

Did you know that a birthday is a celebration not of the child but of the parent? I learned that the day my son turned one and it has been reiterated in every birthday of my children ever since.

I have officially been alive for 29 years (yes, folks, I am that young or old or whatever else you have been assuming all this time). The sad thing is that they have gone by so fast and I don’t recall most of those years.

Do I feel older today? No.
Does my mom feel older today? Probably.

In the past 29 years, I have…

…been the first in my family to graduate high school.
…birthed two beautiful, healthy babies.
…watched the live birth of two babies that were not my own.
…graduated from college with an Associate’s Degree in the field of my choosing.
…owned my own home (if having a mortgage until I am 98 counts!)
…travelled to six foreign countries.
…gotten 8 stitches.
…held the hand of a newborn baby gasping for air.
…buried a parent and two grandparents within the span of a year.
…stood up as a bridesmaid in a wedding.
…attended a senior prom, just to walk out after pictures were taken.
…held down jobs as a cashier, a wood grader, a secretary, a sales woman, and a temp.
…been self employed, twice.
…purchased several large items without the need for a co-signer.
…flown in an airplane.
…ridden on a jet ski, a snowmobile, and in a boat.
…tried riding a motorcycle.
…gotten into a car accident.
…explored the city through the drain pipes.
…smoked cigarettes.
…drank myself to puking.
…made a mistake so large it collapsed an entire circle of friends.
…made friends and kept them.
…made friends and lost them.
…pirated music off the internet.
…been in the back of a police cruiser.
…been in handcuffs (even if just for a joke).
…played countless card games, board games and mind games.
…written story after story after story.
…gracefully accepted gifts I didn’t like.
…gave gifts that made others cry with joy.
…received gifts that made me smile.
…told the truth.
…told a lie.
…held a crying friend until they could speak again.
…held a friend’s secret locked into my soul.
…helped an elderly neighbor.
…been the leader of a girl scout troop.
…been the co-leader of a girl scout troop.
…helped at school parties for my children.
…been trick-or-treating in costume, and out of costume.
…danced upon a stage.
…won first prize in a contest.
…sang karaoke.
…played a drum in a band.
…laughed so hard I cried.
…cried so hard I laughed.
…blew kisses in the wind.
…felt the rain on my face.
…stood in the ocean during a hurricane.
…experienced the magic of Disney.
…hurt myself.
…hurt someone else.
…walked away and never looked back.
…walked away and kept looking back.
…connected with an old friend.
…been to a pajama party.
…loved with everything in me.
…been a bitch.
…fought with all I had left.
…let go.
…kept holding on.
…lived the American Dream.
…been happy to be home.
…lived simply.
…spent extravagantly.
…been on a shopping spree.
…owned something very old.
…bought something at auction.
…purchased a vehicle just to give it away.
…lent money with no intention of collecting payment.
…helped someone in need.
…slept in the desserts of New Mexico.
…talked on the phone for hours.
…attended classes that were not mandatory.
…spoken another language.
…read more books than I can count.
…been abused.
…been neglected.
…sheltered and adored my children.
…taught someone something.
…opened a bank account.
…made someone smile.
…made someone cry.
…collected something.

-AND MOST IMPORTANTLY-

…lived.

I have done a lot, accomplished some, endured my share of heartache, made my own bed and lay upon it, had my cake and ate it, too, and learned from my mistakes. I can generally say that I have been successful at this life thing. At least I have made it 29 years, so far, and have planned for many more to come.

Happy Birthday to Me.

But today isn’t really about me. Today is about her.

Thank you, Mom. Today is your day to shine. You brought me into this world and without that, the entire list of things above would not have happened. Those are your accomplishments, your heartaches, and your experiences as much as they are mine. You made them happen. You gave me the gift that only a mother can give…LIFE. You are the reason I am here. You continue to be my strength, my idol, and my mentor which allows me the confidence to try new things, fail, and raise to my feet to do it all again.

Happy Day of Your Daughter’s Birth to you. I hope it’s a good one. :)

Dumping it all out…

2009-09-02T08:58:00.001-07:00

Brain spinning, swirling, tumbling
over thoughts,
like rocks in a river bed
Smoothed over time
but jagged in the beginning.
Water rushing, cascading
falling noisily through the crevices in my head.
Once again mouth ran away with words
brain in tow, lagging behind
like a tugboat in rough waters.
Wondering how
to make it stop
and float
even keeled.
---JW

Do you ever wonder how it is that you get yourself into so many things that you no longer have time to sit and think and plan what it is that you are supposed to be doing in the first place? Yeah? Whew! I thought it was just me! I am doing that on such a constant basis that it is pretty much just a way of life for me. Today, I find myself cranky and irritable at the mere fact that I have so much going on. And you know me…the best way to settle my head on these matters is to let it all out, where it will organize itself before I store it all back inside the wrinkles of my brain. So here goes. This is what I have going on.

A minor car accident insurance claim (we were rear-ended a few months ago) in which the other guy’s insurance company is refusing to contact my medical providers to pay any of the bills and therefore, I am having to go thru my insurance company for an accident that wasn’t in whole or in part my fault just so that the medical providers will stop calling me for information and for payment of the bills has me livid and tense every time I walk into the chiropractor’s office, which is finally down to twice a week for me and once every two weeks for Bubba (who was whipped forward and hit his head on the seat in front of him causing a neck strain and headaches in his 8 year old little body during the crash). How do I deal with this one?

And that folks, has to be the longest run on sentence in history. But that is how I feel when I think of it. Like I can never catch a single breath just to finish my thought on the subject.

Also, there is a home owner’s insurance claim to deal with due to a hail storm the day after I arrived home from my Germany trip. Do we fix the minor damage to the roof or do we chance just taking the money and leaving it be since it isn’t all that bad to begin with? The money could pay for the truck that I just went to the bank to get a loan for since in this household we seem to need yet another vehicle to clutter up the back drive. But if it hails again, they will deny our claim and we will have to pay for the damages out of our own pocket…or out of our equity line which would be okay, I suppose. How do I deal with this one? Or two, since it is a new truck and an insurance claim.

Girl Scouts is about to start up again with everything that entails. Planning of a first meeting and then a product sale immediately following that. A leader meeting at which I will declare that I am now the sole leader of the troop. An astronomy camp that I want to attend but need to send in the information for. Calendars to make, forms to fill out and turn in, parents to call. How do I deal with this one?

We have a family reunion this weekend. I need to gather scrapbooking supplies and a table that I volunteered to bring, figure out and purchase gifts for the White Elephant Exchange, pack everything needed for three nights of camping, figure out a tent in which to sleep in for those three nights since ours is ripped and I definitely don’t have time to repair it, make a menu and pre-make at least some of the stuff for the weekend’s potlucks and meals. And I need to do all of this in an orderly fashion so that I can relax and enjoy the company of my family over the weekend. How do I deal with this?

My husband has been having chronic nosebleeds and needs to see a specialist but hasn’t made an appointment. I have to go in for my annual pap and mammo this month which freaks me out because of last year’s mammo scare. The kids and I are due for a teeth cleaning this month and I have to go in to get a permanent filling in my root canal tooth. Dear Hubby needs to go in for a teeth cleaning and to start on his dental work. How do I deal with this?

My new office at home is still only partially completed which means that I can’t find anything. Half of it is upstairs and half is downstairs cluttering up the whole place. I have to finish painting, build a shelving unit, make and hang curtains, decorate and move everything in and organize it. I am loving the space but wish it would just magically finish itself so that I could get work done in it and not on it. How do I deal with this?

Of course, you have the usual stresses of everyday life, as well. The laundry, the schoolwork, the house cleaning. The trying to fit 3 hours of work into a two hour workday (although that will change on Tuesday). The meal planning and cooking and buying and the bill paying and checkbook balancing. How do I deal with this?

The answer to all of those is simple really. How do I deal with this? I just do. I just keep on keeping on and do my best to get it all done in a manner that is acceptable to me and those around me. I keep going…even if my brain feels as if it will explode at a moment’s notice. Because sooner or later…

It will stop
and float
even keeled
once again.

(The beginning poem is an original piece of art written exclusively by me. Please do not copy in whole or in part without express written permission from the author. Thanks.)

Not sure where this is headed…

2009-08-31T08:14:00.001-07:00

Today is the first day of the rest of my life. Yep. The first day. Of what? Well, hopefully of my ability to be a more productive human being. But probably just the first day that I recognize that something needs to change. That I have been lazy and allowing life to just rush on past me without enjoying and being in every day of it.

I won’t sit here and say that I am back, because I’ve done that before and guess what? I LIED! What I will say is that as I was going through some things the other day, I came across something that meant something to me. A piece of writing. Something that I did on assignment at a writing class that reminded me that not only was I pretty good at this writing thing but that I love what I write. Not always, but usually. I love what I write. I love to write. And I need to write…that is the more important thing. I have things that need to get right on out of me to make myself work better.

And thus, the tie in to the first paragraph!

In order for me to live each day instead of living through each day, I need to write about it, remember it, define it as it’s own little place in history. For that is my purpose, my calling. Or at least I feel as if it could be.

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It’s 9 am and time once again to take some medicine to fight the nasty head cold I have contracted over the weekend.

The kids are well into their first day of a new school year, Teensy in second grade and Bubba in third. Where has the time gone? How did those little babies grow and flourish into small adults without my noticing? How did they become such responsible little people who could dress and feed themselves before getting a ride off to school? I barely remember the vibrating bouncer in front of “Clifford, the Big Red Dog” on the TV screen. Or the big brown eyed baby that smiled with her entire face. I barely remember my babies. Because now I have small people. Real people. Children with attitudes and personalities larger than the one I possess. Larger than life little beings that will leave their marks upon this world. And for that, I wish. That is my hope. Leave your make, dear ones. Leave your mark.

The laundry has dinged, the bed is unmade, the dishes are screaming for attention. Things to be done, no time to dally. I must part ways now. For if I sit here too much longer, FaceBook will have surely captured my fancy yet again and I will find 11 o’clock having come way too quick for comfort. Flies to kill and cookies to make (hopefully not all together!), the to-do list grows by leaps and bounds every second I remain in this position. So on my feet I am headed and you on your way. Tomorrow we may meet again…but surely I cannot say. For I do not know the future. Unfortunately. :)

Enjoy your day, dear readers of mine. I will try to do the same.

Recording a life…

2009-08-10T18:31:00.001-07:00

I started this blog as a way to record my life. So that I may, later on, have something to look back upon to remember the events and happenings of my life. I have failed at keeping up with that purpose lately. I have excuses. Numerous excuses for why I haven’t blogged at all but every excuse lost it’s weight completely as I stood in my little sister’s dining room looking over her shoulder at the computer screen. She clicked onto my blog and said, “I always look…and nothing ever changes.” I felt instantly bad. Here she is, sitting in Italy with her three children and a husband who is about to be deployed on his goodness-only-knows-how-many tour of the Middle East and I have been lax at the best way to communicate with her, at least, the best way to let her in on the everyday lives of us over here on the other side of the world. So I will put all my reasons aside and get back to the purpose of this blog while adding a new twist.

Sissy Pissy…I’ll try to keep up on the every day around here so that you have something to occupy those two minutes of downtime you get every once in a while and to help keep you sane. After all, I got you into blogging, I might as well set a good example. :)

So, back to the point of this blog. I want to record my life. The big and the little. The good and the not so good. I want to write it all down to help me remember. That is also why I scrapbook. To leave a legacy. To remember my life and let others know about the life that I have lived. And right now my office is non-existent, my scrapbook supplies are goodness knows where and it will take weeks to get my pictures back from the printers, so I was thinking that I could get it all written down here. The whole trip that we just took to Germany, in one place, with pictures and narrative so that I don’t forget a thing when I go to put it all in the scrapbook.

And so that my sister can hear about the trip that took me to seven countries in 14 days! So stay tuned for the rundown. :)

Is that a gun or are you just happy to...what the hell are you packing in there!?!

2009-07-15T13:34:00.001-07:00

"Spin the globe and pick a spot -- it's time for you to satisfy some wanderlust."

That is my horoscope for today. Fitting, since I am off to Germany in 8 DAYS!!! I have spun the globe, so to speak, and I am soon off to satisfy some of the travel bug that has been biting my ass for the last year.

We have the itinerary set. The babysitter and dog sitter is lined up. The tickets are purchased and everyone has been informed we are leaving for a few weeks. The only things left to do are get our vacation pay...and pack!

Oh my goodness, packing is such a pain in the ass! What do I take? What do I leave home? I have never been on a flight longer than a couple of hours so how much stuff am I going to need to keep me from being bored out of my mind?

"Leave the gun. Take the cannoli."

Well, that is good in theory but in actual packing instructions, that statement sucks! Of course I have to leave the gun--I'm not a terrorist. And I'm not so fond of cannoli so I'll pack some Twizzlers Pull-n-Peel instead. :)

So far, my packing has gone a little like this...

"Oh look! A fanny pack from the early '80's! I could use that to hold my money and things without having to worry about a thief taking my purse. I'll take that." And in the suitcase it goes.

"A new Janet Evanovich book just came out! I will buy that to read on the plane ride over." And a trip to the store is made to buy the book and in the suitcase it goes.

"Honey! Check this out! You hang it around your neck and put your money and passport and ID in it so that you have it handy for customs and you don't have to reach into your pocket or search through your purse. I'm buying one!" Said on shopping trip to buy the above book as I through it in the cart, purchased it and then threw it in the suitcase as well.

"Here is a book light, a travel pillow, a teddy bear, a picture of my kids, a deck of cards, a puzzle book, a COSMO magazine, and a clean pair of underwear that I will need on the plane." And in the suitcase they go.

"Oh, damn. I forgot to do the laundry last night and now I don't have any clean underwear to wear to work. Oh yeah! In the suitcase!" And out they come.

"What is my teddy bear doing in this suitcase? I don't need this. I'm not seven!" And out it comes.

"Where did I put that book light? I want to read and the Hubby is sleeping so I can't turn on the light. Oh yeah! The suitcase!" And out it comes.

"Well, shit. Now I messed up my checklist by taking things out of the suitcase! I either have to write it all over or, or..." And the contents get dumped back out on my bed to be put back where they were eventually put away.

*sigh* I guess I will start all over tomorrow.

I was arrested for…

2009-07-07T19:16:00.002-07:00

I am huge into texting (and every other technology, truthfully) and I got a good text tonight that has given me countless minutes of laughter and thought.

The text said…You saw me in a police car. What would you think I got arrested for?

The idea is that you answer it for the person that sent it to you and then you forward it to everyone you know to see how many crimes you are accused of.

I sent it on and before I started receiving answers, I asked my family what their responses would be. It has amazed me the kind of crimes people have come up with!

Daughter (7 years old)…speeding. Yes, yes, my dear readers. I am that person. I speed constantly. Bad habit, I know. After coming up with that one, she also had another answer…”not turning on your lights at dark time and then running into cars and then going off a bridge.” I quickly informed her that I wanted to know why I was in the cop car, not how I was going to die!

Husband…perceived child abuse. Now don’t start jumping to conclusions on me. He said perceived. I have this habit of lightly smacking my son on the back of his head when he’s not listening to me. Dear Hubby thinks that if I were to do that in public someone could perceive that as child abuse.

Son (8 years old)…drinking. Interesting answer since I don’t drink! It was the only answer he could think of for why someone would be in a cop car!!!

Husband’s friend from work…public nudity. What can I say? He’s a 20-something guy and obviously that is all he thinks about. Even though that would be the last thing I would be in for.

Best friend, Lady K…burying the evil neighbor in the back yard and letting stray dogs live in his house ;). That one was funnier than the rest because I tout a huge hatred of dogs (despite the fact that I have two as pets!). My response to her…like I would be nice to stray dogs?

Cousin…disorderly conduct for yelling at someone. Oh holy hell! If you really knew me, you would know how true that could be!!!

Friend of mine...reckless driving! How right he is, how right he is! But wait...doesn't that mean that I drive without getting in a wreck? It does right?

My answer for myself…anything to do with horrible driving! Texting while driving, speeding, rear ending someone while talking on my cell phone, running a red light, reckless driving…any number of things to do with a car. I suck at driving people. Completely suck!

How stupid is it that one ridiculous text has given me so much entertainment?

Warning: Take heed of directions before lighting!

2009-07-04T08:14:00.001-07:00

If the firework says “read additional instructions on launch tube”, it is quite likely that you should not haphazardly light said firework in close vicinity to your children, your spouse and your van.

However, if you do happen to light said firework around said objects and people, please be ready to run like hell when said firework starts to shoot actual fire.

But if you are the person sitting inside the safety of the van, be sure to relentlessly tease, taunt and torture the moron who lit the firework found at THE DUMP in the first place about the terrified look on his face when said firework ended up being one that should have been launched into the sky and not one lit on the ground because said firework was in THE DUMP for a reason, as witnessed by the fact that the fuse was a dud and therefore had to be lit right close tot he explosion point.

And that, folks, is our 4th of July lesson for today.

Please be careful with those fireworks. :)

No one was hurt in the acts of stupidity above. It was actually quite funny and we all got one hell of a laugh out of the ordeal.

Friday Rants and Raves…

2009-06-26T09:30:00.001-07:00

It’s Friday. The Friday before a busy whirlwind weekend of work and play. The Friday before I go back to being the mother of two instead of four. *sigh*

I only have two words for you now…Thank Goodness.

The last four weeks have been filled with reminder upon reminder as to why I stopped at two children instead of continuing on to have a big family. Two kids…one for each parent, one for each hand, one for each side of my overused and underpaid brain. That is enough for me. I was not and am not cut out to be the parent of more than my two little ~~devils~~ angels.

Of this, I am absolutely certain. NO MORE CHILDREN IN MY FUTURE!!

And to clear my head and get my readers up to date on the life that disappeared over the past few months, here is my rundown of Friday Rants and Raves.

RANT…Mother Nature has decided to go from blessing us with blizzard upon blizzard to bestowing upon us the gift of immense heat. Boob sweat is not pretty, folks. Not pretty at all.

RAVE…we have a fun filled Sunday planned (if Mother Nature decides to cooperate with the weather) of climbing in a maze of rocks and stomping through a creek. It should be a blast with all of the people that are cited to join us. And there will be cupcakes. Everyone knows that cupcakes are a reason to rave, right?

RANT…my basement remodel project has taken exceptionally longer than it was supposed to. Well meaning offers of help have not materialized into actual labor and although I understand the immense busy-ness of everyone’s lives, I am about ready to tear my hair out and announce that we are just moving as it would be easier (and faster) to complete.

RAVE…I board a plane bound for Germany in 26 days!!! Does this need any more explanation?

RANT…I board a plane bound for Germany in 26 days!!! Only 26!!! How the hello will I get everything done and everything packed in that short amount of time!!!

RANT…The A/C just blew a breaker. *sigh*

RAVE…I fixed it myself---without calling or texting the hubby!!!

RANT…I thought a household of four had mountains of laundry to high to scale but a household of six has turned those mountains into the Himalayas of Laundry! I could do six loads a day and still not dent the piles of clothes.

RAVE…getting back into the swing of blogging seems to be easier than I thought since this post just came together beneath my fingertips. Will I be back tomorrow? Any one want to lay odds on that? Yeah. I wouldn’t either. :)

Enjoy your weekend, readers!

On and on and on...about nothing.

2009-06-10T09:16:00.002-07:00

I know. It's been a while. I can't really explain my absence except for to say that I just wasn't into it. Blogging, I mean. I just wasn't into blogging. A lot has been happening and instead of coming on here and bitching and moaning about the bad luck in my life, I just quit blogging all together. I haven't even read blogs. I have juist been out of touch completely in the Blogoshpere and, well, I'm not really sorry about it, I guess.

But I suppose I am back. Sitting at the library on thier public computer when I have a perfectly great laptop of my own at home. Using the keys that have been touched by every Tom, Dick and Henrietta in this town, just knowing that I will be getting some sort of virus from this experience. And why? Well, because my kids are in Story Hour and I didn't feel like sitting around reading a book at the moment. Although, I will have to such in just a few short minutes because there is a time limit on public computers, ya know. Half an hour. No longer unless they aren't busy. Then I can have an hour but that is the maximum per day. One hour.

Do you know that I would just about die with only one hour of internet or computer time a day? I really would. I have filled my days since my hours changed by using the internet and my laptop to watch "Brothers and Sisters". I am up to season 3 and am almost done with that. What a great show. I keep wishing that my family were like that. Way too much drama but the complete honesty and constant family dinners would be wonderful. :)

So, I am completely rambling on about nothing at all. I have nothing to say really. Just wanted to get back on and write a post since I have not been here in goodness knows how long. I am hoping to get back into the swing of this blogging thing. It has been great therapy in the past and although I don't necessarily need therapy right now, I could use an outlet once in a while.

Stepping forward while walking backwards…

2009-05-19T18:24:00.001-07:00

I feel like I was lucky.

When I was growing up, I dealt with my fair share and more of hard stuff. But not once do I remember attending a funeral. Death was not a part of my equation in a memorable sense. Both of my maternal grandparents died as well as my paternal grandmother either right before I was born or shortly after and therefore it wasn’t a huge heartache for me. From then on death didn’t really exist. Either my mom sheltered me from the funerals or else no one close enough to me died.

My kids haven’t been that lucky.

The death of the three year old from our town that died of cancer recently has been weighing heavy on the mind of little Teensy. On our trip to the cemetery for Mother’s Day, we discovered that his grave happens to be right below Geri and since I had previously explained that he was up in heaven talking to her now, this was a great coincidence. Teensy has now proclaimed many times that he and grandma are “neighbors”. But even with the assurance that her grandma is taking care of the little boy, she is still really saddened that he was taken away. She signed the sympathy card and then proceeded to make her own. Such a tender heated little soul.

This week marks the one year anniversary since the death of Geri, their much beloved grandma. Bubba has started to make progress in his counseling and Teensy just finished a full memory book in her counseling sessions. We have been doing okay, this family of mine. We have found ourselves a bit more comfortable with this new normal.

Two steps forward and ten steps back. Isn’t that how the saying goes?

Last night there was a really bad car accident a few miles from our house. It consisted of one vehicle filled with a man and four children. I don’t have all the details but what I know is that they went over a bridge and the vehicle became engulfed in flames. The driver and a second grade boy died, two more children are in serious condition right now and one is in critical condition. It was the worst trauma that the nurses at the hospital have seen in quite some time.

The boy lived in our neighborhood. He spent time at my house and played with my kids. I had spoken with his mother on occasion and saw him at the school almost every day. Although he was no longer a friend to my son due to a stupid childhood falling out, it is still a place that is too close for comfort. Once again, reality has rocked the fairy tale world that my kids should live in.

I have yet to see the effects of this on my children. We have told them the new but they haven’t processed everything enough to give us a reaction. That will come later. In a few hours. For now, we are in denial that grim reaper has claimed another innocent being.

And that is where we will stay for that is the only way to make it through.

Any other week of the year…but not this one. Our wounds are already freshly torn open from the planning of a luncheon and memorial tree planting, so we could use a break from the extra despair for now.

Please.

She gave me her eye color, too…

2009-05-13T15:48:00.001-07:00

Money is not an issue with me.

I am not saying that I am rich. I am not saying that I don’t have a need or a want for money. I am saying that I don’t allow money to be an issue in my world.

I never remember a time when I was growing up that I was in need of anything. I remember using food stamps and later having to remember the pin for the EBT card when we were shopping. I remember the white box with black letting food that we got for free at the Food Pantry. I remember paying something like 40 cents for lunch on the low income program. I remember having Medicaid for insurance coverage and 7 of us living in a three bedroom apartment while mom worked two jobs to keep us afloat.

But through all of that I never felt poor. I always had everything that I needed…shoes, a coat, money for school field trips and programs. I was never lacking in anything that I remember. My mom (and my older sister at times) took really good care of me and I never felt the crunch of being low income. Which is how it should be.

Although my mom was great at providing everything that I needed, she wasn’t (and still isn’t) the best at managing her money. And since children learn most everything from the examples and lessons of their parents, I grew up with the same money management skills that my mother possessed.

What exactly does that mean, that I am not good at managing money? It doesn’t mean that I am in debt up to my eyeballs or that I am one of those people that purchased a house way above their actual means and are now sitting in fear of foreclosure. It does mean that I am not all that careful about money. I don’t have a retirement plan or a college fund in place for the future. I don’t have a massive savings account filled with money for a just in case. I do have a mortgage, an equity line and a couple of credit cards.

My husbands money skills mirror my own in most ways. He is a bit more conscious about what we spend and when especially if the costs of eating out everyday are piling up. He is more likely than I to make a large purchase (think cars) without my knowledge or consent whereas I will almost always get his input before spending more than $200 on any one item. But for the most part, we both buy what we want now and deal with the payments later…in a responsible sense. Most of our furniture was purchased through a furniture store where we paid no payments or interest until our tax returns came in the following year. We remodel the house at will, using a Home Improvement store charge card and paying it down month by month. I get the stresses now and again and need some shopping therapy so I head to Kohl’s and charge whatever clothes suit my fancy that day without thinking about the bill until I receive it a month later. He charges tools at work on a monthly basis and makes a payment every Friday.

However, knowing all of that, you must also understand that we are frugal. I shop sales and rarely pay full price. We use coupons at times and try not to buy more than we need of anything. We love garage sales and auctions to furnish our house and clothe ourselves and our children. We both absolutely love a good deal.

So, you see, I don’t make money an issue in my life. I won’t have it when I’m dead and gone so there is no point in not using it now. It is nothing for me to buy a meal for a friend when we are out because it is usually I that insists on something more expensive than McDonalds. That is also why I sold a vehicle to a family member and have never mentioned the fact that I wasn’t paid a dime in return for the sale and why when a friend called me up today and said, “Please don’t think any less of me, but can I borrow some money?” I didn’t think twice before writing the check. Money isn’t an issue for me and I think that because I don’t allow it to stress me out, it has always appeared when I truly needed it the most. I am hoping that this holds true when I have to return to paying bills after my mega expensive European trip in July! I guess we’ll see.

There was even a stripper pole!!!

2009-05-12T19:55:00.001-07:00

I haven’t posted in a while so I figured I would come back with a bang…a wet and sticky one. :)

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Several weeks ago, Miss Insanity had a Passion Party and invited me. Since her and I have become pretty good friends as of late, I was going for sure. I haven’t been to a home party type of thing in a long time and Passion Parties are definitely my style of party.

You don’t know what a Passion Party is? Really? OMG! Well, let me tell you. It is a party where a bunch of girls get together to learn about and get their hands on sex toys without having to go to an adult store in the middle of the day in a downtown neighborhood looking like a majorly perverted sex addict.

Well, anyway, Miss Insanity was hosting one and I was invited. I begged Dear Hubby to let me use the car that night because showing up at a “toy party” in a minivan just felt utterly wrong to me. I was the first to arrive (as usual) and picked out a comfy seat where I wouldn’t have to be too close to anyone else, thusly ensuring privacy when I was writing my order. I had only been to two of these parties and I wasn’t nervous but I was definitely a little passive about the whole thing.

It turns out that the night was pretty good. I had a hard time ordering from the catalog because I just wasn’t sure what kind of “toys” the Hubby would be in to, but I did decide to get “laid” by having a party of my own. I texted Hubby to make sure he was down with it and set a date.

A few weeks later, I had done all the dirty work—sent out e-mail invites, reminded people in person, sent text and e-mail reminders and handed out the website and catalogs to those that I knew wouldn’t make it to the party itself. I hopped in the van (yes the minivan!) with the Hubby and headed off to the bar where we were holding the party.

By we, I mean that I co-hosted the Passion Party with a friend of mine…and by Hubby and me I meant that it was a party in which significant others were encouraged to attend! Let me tell you, that was the best idea I have ever had in my life.

I sat through the same presentation as before with one big difference…there were men in the audience. Each person sat and listened the same as I did but with their heads in close to their spouses, each couple perused the order form and catalog while each “toy” was passed around and whispered their preferences to each other. We all joked together. We shared an openness in that private room of a bar that just isn’t present in normal society today. The crowd was a mixed bunch of people that I knew personally as well as through other means, not everyone knew each other and we didn’t need to. We were all there with one purpose…to learn about and purchase sex toys.

And purchase they did. To the tune of $1000. I was handsomely rewarded with free gifts and discounts for my efforts but what I walked away with was far more valuable than that.

I walked away with a better understanding of my husband, myself and us as a couple. That one measly party garnered me more taboo conversations about sex lives than anything ever has. I am closer to my man, I am closer to my friends and I am closer to myself.

All because of a party in a bar where we passed around sex toys.

And I now have a full drawer full of fun and a catalog full of circles for the next party that I attend. Sex is no longer taboo, people. It’s a part of life and we can deal with it openly or we can hide away our precious little toys.

Apparently, I choose to deal with it openly and publicly on my blog.

If you are ever invited to a Passion Party, I highly recommend the Nipple Nibblers in raspberry. :) Let me know your opinion if you do buy.

The verdict...

2009-05-05T20:14:00.001-07:00

I made my choice. I will be back. I promise. :)

Right now I am off playing Farm Town on Facebook because I am utterly hooked and addicted and need an intervention.

But tomorrow...tomorrow, I will be back. Or soon. No one can run me off my own safe place.

No one.

*sigh*

See you tomorrow.

Earning a set of angels wings...

2009-04-28T09:00:00.001-07:00

My religious beliefs are as varied as the day is long. Wow, that sentence makes me sound old, but it's pretty much the truth. I try to keep those thoughts and beliefs to myself 99.9% of the time with the exception of letting you know that I may not believe what you do and you should therefore, respect that fact and not try to push your beliefs on me.

This is not a post about religion. I swear it's not.

I am going to let you in on a little known fact about me and religion though. I believe that when a person dies they go to heaven. They sit amongst the clouds with their perfect sparkling bodies and converse with each other in endless conversations (only I would think that heaven is talking all. the. time!). The are no longer in pain nor are they sad. It's a constant state of contentment, happiness and joy in a place surrounded by loved ones from their earthbound lives as well as new loved ones.

I believe in this because I have to believe in this.

Especially now.

Especially when a 3 -year old boy is taken from a community that loved and cherished every ounce of his little body. When a small child who spent every day of his life on Earth fighting to live and breathe is called up to that place in the sky to receive his angel wings and his glittery dusting of sparkles.

I have to believe that this little boy has a magical place to settle into because his parents are grieving. This town is grieving. A child is gone, too soon. Way too soon.

And we are once again in mourning.

Please take the time to say a prayer or make a donation to your favorite charity today in the name of children everywhere who are dying long before their time. And in the name of the parents who must stay on this Earth and mourn the loss of a child.

My Girl Scout troop will continue their collection of aluminum pop tabs for the Ronald McDonald House Charities in the name of this amazing 3-year old and his family in the hopes that other families in similar situations can benefit from their kindness.

May you Rest in Peace, little man.

And please feel free to converse with Geri. She has great stories to tell.

Just keep swimming, just keep swimming…until you drown.

2009-04-26T19:25:00.001-07:00

My blog has been my safe place. A semi-anonymous place for me to dump my thoughts and feelings and such so that I can get through the day to day of life. The place where I can document the lives of me and my husband and children so that someday, when I die, I will have left a legacy of who I am. A place where I am me, totally, unapologetically me, even if a bit guarded. A place where I feel accepted by the people that read my words. Because no one has had a problem with what I’ve written…or at least they haven’t brought it into real life conversations and that is okay with me.

I use a website to track visitor ISP addresses so that I know where you are from. I pay attention to who follows and reads me so that I am sure to return the favor and try out your blog as well. I spend a lot of time on my blog even if I don’t write every day. I have drafts saved on my dashboard and in Windows Live Writer. I have ideas in Word documents on both my work computer and my home computer.

The point? I love my blog.

Or at least I did. Now, I am scared of what I put out here. I am scared to write my words and feelings and let you all in. I am scared to allow you to look into my life, to see my kids, to be privy to thoughts that I wouldn’t say to your face.

Because now I feel like my blog has been violated.

I have a reader that doesn’t deserve the pass to be here. Someone that I have never wanted to have the chance to meet my amazing family, let alone see pictures of my kids and know my inner most thoughts and feelings. Someone who causes so much turmoil inside of me that it’s hard to hold a single conversation without anger or tears.

Someone who makes me want to close my blog, my MySpace, and my FaceBook. Someone who makes me want to never touch technology again. Someone who after 18 years, read my words and interpreted them in a way that suited him and not in the way they were meant.

But your blog is PUBLIC! Didn’t you ever think this would happen?

Yes, I did. More and more of my family has found or been told about my blog. Word has spread and I understood that. I knew that. I knew this could happen.

But knowing and dealing are two different things. Very different. Knowing that somebody might be reading my blog is different that knowing they do in fact read it. And that they are therefore privy to things that they otherwise would not be.

I know, I know. I am rambling. But here’s the gist of this post. I don’t know how to deal with this person being privy to my thoughts. My immediate response what to shut down the blog all together. After careful consideration and more tears than you can imagine, my decision is…

…I don’t know. There is no decision.

And this is where I leave you hanging in wonder until I come to terms with my situation and the people who read my extremely PUBLIC blog.

MIA means Meditating in Aqua.

2009-04-23T09:10:00.004-07:00

Wanna know why I haven't posted a blog in a few days? Yeah? This is why...

It is fricking amazing here! See all that blue sky? 10 am and over 70 degrees outside...Spring has finally found the state of South Dakota (my letter to Mother Nature must have garnered some attention) and I am in full Spring Fever mode. Take me to the doctor...in fact, make me walk on my own because it is just too nice to be crammed inside today (and yesterday, too!).

And, as if you couldn't tell, I am adoring this blue sky beautifulness...

I just wish my skylight were clean!

Caring waters flowing deep...

2009-04-17T09:43:00.001-07:00

I am sure there are many different types of mothers.

I fall into the category of the emotional mother. The mother whose love shows outwardly in the tears she sheds during the moments that others could hold themselves together. The mother who feels every one of her child's pains (mental and physical) as if they were her own. The mother who knows instinctively the topic on the minds of her children without really knowing the details. I am the mother in the parking lot that gets out of the minivan and is sure to give kisses and "good day" wishes to each kid every single morning without fail.

I am that mother.

I am also the fiercely protective mother who will come to the aid of my children when they are wronged, make sure they are getting the protection and education that they need. The mother that is in close contact with the school teachers and counselors to make sure that my kids aren't slipping through the cracks. The mother that expects to get my money's worth. The mother whose children are protected without being sheltered. Who knows about the bad things in the world from first hand experience and refuses to allow her own children that pain and suffering.

Yes, I am that mother too.

My love for my children shines brightly when the tears start to flow or the claws come out. I have accepted that to be the way I operate. Even when I am walking through the school building with tears running down my face or yelling into the phone as I stalk the grocery store aisles, I have accepted that to be my way to deal. Embarrassing? A little. Do I care? Not so much. Because my kids are my life, my heart and my soul and that is just my love shining through all of the gloom and doom of a rainy Friday morning.

Cryptic post? Yeah, sorry about that. Let's just say that treading new parenting ground isn't always easy. In fact, it is rarely easy. But we all make it through those unknowns because that is what we as parents do. We keep walking ahead with our heads held high and hope that whatever we did, whatever we taught our kids, whatever example we set along the way was the best that we could do. It may not have always been right, but we tried.

And that is what matters. On this one, I tried and then I cried.

Eggs only a son could love…

2009-04-13T15:01:00.001-07:00

It’s Monday! I don’t know if that sentence deserves an exclamation mark as I spent most of my time at work trying to put together a game table for a charity auction…and it’s still not done! Ugh!

I opened up the fridge when I walked in the door today to find myself a little snack and the same thing happened today that did yesterday and the day before and the day before. Eggs came rolling out around my feet in a torrential down pour of protein goodness. Or badness, rather, because I am sick of eggs. Read that again. Sick. Of. Eggs. Surely you can relate.

For this year’s Easter Feast, I was charged with bringing (of all possible things) deviled eggs. Easy enough since I hosted the egg dyeing extravaganza at my house, right? I would surely have enough eggs.

One catch.

I have never before made deviled eggs. It’s just one of those things that my mom does so well that if I were ever to want such a thing, I would just call her up and ask her to make it (like potato salad, banana bread and overnight rolls). But surely, I have watched enough times to be able to figure it out. How hard could it be?

More difficult than you think. *sigh*

To start with, did you know that sometimes eggs can be a bugger to peel smoothly? No. Well, they can. A hint from my momma…buy the eggs a week in advance of the time you are going to boil them. Older eggs peel easier than fresh ones. See? Here are my freshly peeled eggs.

Yes. They are dreadful.

I gave it two trial runs before attempting the real thing. The verdicts were not so good, although I liked them all (I must have been craving eggs which is quite unusual for me seeing as how I almost never eat eggs-ask friends that I have camped with, I am a difficult one to feed). Teensy didn’t like the first ones, Hubby thought the second ones had too much mustard and Bubba adored the third ones immensely!

All in all, I made it. I made the deviled eggs, a relish tray filled with cauliflower, carrots, olives, pickles and ranch dip and my signature pinwheels that everyone loves so very much. I fulfilled my end of the feast bargain and lived to tell about it another year…and no one died of food poisoning so I would call that a win. Coming from my kitchen, that is a win.

Even after I deviled 27 eggs for dinner, we ended up with ones from the hunt. Eggs have been spilling out of my fridge for days and I am ready for them to stop. But how do I get rid of hard-boiled eggs? I had to do some research to figure that out and came up with some super simple ideas to share with you.

So without further ado, to Make this Monday Manageable (as well as, that Easter egg stash in your fridge) here are some ideas for you.

Tired of chocolate? Try out these cookies for the kids lunches this week. They’ll use up some of those hard-boiled eggs!

Hard Cooked Egg Cookies

Zest of 1 lemon + 1/2 tsp lemon extract
10 tbsp sugar
1/4 tsp salt
1 cup butter
4 hard cooked/boiled eggs, peeled
1 egg
3 cups flour
1 egg white, lightly beaten
1/2 cup sugar

Preheat oven to 350 F. Line a baking sheet with parchment paper.

Cream together lemon zest, lemon extract, sugar, salt and butter in a food processor. Add in hard boiled eggs and process until fully incorporated. Mix in egg. Add flour and pulse until dough just comes together.

At this point you can chill the dough for a bit if your kitchen is very hot, otherwise roll out the dough on a lightly floured surface until it is 1/4 inch thick and cut into rounds with a 2 inch cookie or biscuit cutter. Dip the cut cookies into the egg white then dredge in the sugar. Arrange on baking sheet - cookies will not spread - and bake until just beginning to brown at the edges, about 12 minutes.

Remove to a wire rack to cool.

Makes 4 dozen.

How about some potato salad to go with those steaks that you are dying to throw on the grill (since it is Spring and nice enough to finally cook outdoors)? Try this.

Picnic Potato Salad

Ingredients:

3 pounds potatoes, cooked until just tender, cubed, cooled

5 or 6 hard cooked eggs, cooled, coarsely chopped

1/4 to 1/2 cup chopped red onion

1/4 to 1/2 cup chopped celery, optional

thinly sliced tomatoes and cucumber, for garnish, optional

.

Dressing:

3/4 cup mayonnaise (a little more or less, as desired)

1 to 2 tablespoons prepared mustard

salt and pepper to taste

Preparation:

Combine potatoes, egg, onions, and celery. Stir in mayonnaise, mustard, and salt and pepper to taste. (Stir the mayonnaise and mustard in a little at a time, until you have the flavor and consistency you like.)
Top with thinly sliced tomatoes and cucumber, if desired.
Serves 6 to 8.

I can hear you now. “But what about the egg shells?” I have just the answers for you. Try one of these ideas…

You can use them to clean things like vases which are hard to clean inside. Crush them up, add them to the vase with hot soapy water and swish it around.
Clean and rinse saved eggshells and let them dry. Crush up shells into little pieces. You can do this by putting them into a plastic baggie and gently pound them - the kids love doing this! Have the children put glue onto the poster board anywhere they want to. Give them the eggshells to sprinkle over the glue. Have them make patterns or designs. After the glue is dry, you can also have the children paint over the eggshells.
Crush up the eggshells and place them in outdoor potted plants or the garden to add calcium and keep away snails and slugs.

All in all, I guess there are a lot of ways you can get rid of those eggs (throwing them at unsuspecting husbands is another good way). Have fun using up all of your Easter remnants on this Monday. I will sure be using my tips to make it more manageable for me today!

Hopping ‘long the bunny trail…

2009-04-12T16:29:00.001-07:00

Happy Easter!

From my family to yours.

Rotten eggs for Easter…

2009-04-10T21:13:00.001-07:00

Dear Easter Bunny,
Please leave me a basket on my front porch in the god-awful early hours of the morning, just like you have for the past several years. Oh, you cant? Your helper is no longer around? Oh. Well, then…could we just skip this holiday? No. Oh. Umm, I guess I will just have to make the best of it then. Thanks.
Not sure I believe any longer, J…

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tonight we did something new. We dyed Easter eggs. How is that new? Well, it wasn’t just Hubby and the kids and I this year. Hubby’s entire family came over. Okay, not all of them. A sister and her daughter, a nephew and his wife and two boys, another sister and her daughter, dad and his girlfriend.

You should probably know that we don’t usually have family get togethers at our house. The kids birthdays are usually here. I had hosted a Christmas for my whole family once. I threw a large party for some friends one time, too. But other than that, we don’t have many people over. Our house is just not set up for it. Plus, it always puts me a bit on edge to be considered the hostess of the event. I don’t like to be responsible for everyone’s comfort and happiness. I would rather just be a guest.

Things have been different lately, though. Since the house is no longer available for us to have our holiday get togethers in (Dad sold it to one of his sons when he moved in with his girlfriend and it is being remodeled), we have had to find other places to enjoy the traditional gatherings. This year Easter will be held in a mobile home. The guest list will consist of approx. 30 people. Yep. Fun times. Instead of making the sister clean her house twice and because I didn’t feel like going out of my own house, I decided to do the egg dyeing here.

The two sisters brought pizzas for dinner. Hubby came home with some pop and ice for the iced tea. Then Dad walked through the door with “the replacement” (*sigh*). Next came the neighbor kid. Then the nephew with his family. Next thing I know, I have 7 kids and 8 adults hanging out in my kitchen. It was a little overwhelming to say the least.

The saving grace of the evening was Little Aid. He’s probably 3 and has never dyed eggs before. I am not a big fan of the egg dying process but watching that little boy light up with glee every time the white eggs turned colors made my heart leap with joy. It’s a good thing that pictures got taken of the process because I was so entranced in the innocence of this one little child that I forgot to help everyone else. His smile helped me survive an evening that may have otherwise trampled me down.

The point of this post? There isn’t one. I’m just rambling and realizing in the process that the little things (like a child’s smile) can help to erase the badness of one’s day and the overwhelming feelings that come along with “the replacement” setting foot in my house unannounced to take part in our family time.

I wasn’t ready to take part in holidays without our Matriarch and I am sure as hell not ready for someone to step into her shoes at said holiday gatherings.

I lived through tonight. Easter is still a mystery. I’ll let you know how it goes.

For think where it should come from…

2009-04-08T14:56:00.001-07:00

I know.
You are sitting there with bated breath.
Did the class turn me into
a writing genius?
My answer is a resounding…
Yes.

Just kidding. It did help. It opened up my eyes to a world of new possibilities…and two new books that have been added to my Borders shopping list! I loved it. I really did. (Beware, dear hubby, for I may feel as though a 3 class community education course isn’t quite enough, and thusly research other forms of writing education. I’ll keep it cheap. I promise. Well, I hope.)

I came full circle last night, starting out in a fit of panicky shaking and ending the night with the fear of the unknown places this new writing class could take me. But, ya know, I am ready. Willing. Able to see this thing through and let out the writer that I am sure hides within the confines of my human form.

We were given an assignment last night to start a piece of writing (in any form) with these words…”For think if you should lose her”.

Everyone became quiet as we settled in to let the beautiful muses take hold of our hands. Pens flew across the varied papers, some fast, some slow, but all flying gracefully none-the-less. The words seemed to be absorbed from the universe in a sort of wonky osmosis kind of way and transform themselves into food on the paper itself. It was an eerie process, this energy that flowed from the air through my body and out of my fingers. I can only wonder if everyone felt the same sensations that I did.

It didn’t take long for we were all told when to begin and the ending just…well, it just came. No one said “stop”, no one called time. The words flowed out and when they were done, they were done, and there was suddenly, as if by magic, words where there previously were none. Sentences, periods, commas…it was all there in blue ink, on white paper. It really just…happened. I cannot explain it further.

When I laid down my pen, when the words stopped their flow, I read what I had wrote and just didn’t understand. It didn’t make sense. When I was told the starting words, I sat a moment to let them sink in and then thought about my daughter. I thought that I was writing about my daughter. But when I read those words, they just didn’t coincide with my thoughts. They weren’t about my daughter at all. But then, what could they be.

I settled with not knowing. For that is what the energies told me to write and who am I to go against the cosmic declarations?

It was only later that a truth was laid upon my desk. Brought to me by a classmate and wrapped in a bundle of understanding and camaraderie.

“I listened to your piece. I thought it was about you…as a writer.”

The light dawned, the heavens opened and the truth was revealed. The writing that had been formed through my fingers was as simple and as complex a piece as I have ever written…and in true narcissistic form, it was about me. Well, about me the writer. As soon as she said it, I felt it. As soon as it left her lips, it was written in the stars and a title was born. I give you…

The Writer in Me

For think if you should lose her
that lovely little child.
For think if you should lose her
out in the world, running wild.
Will you chase or let her be?
Will you allow her to just be free?
Are you really losing that
lovely little girl?
Or is she just growing up
in this scary, scary world.
Because if you should lose her
think, is she really lost?
For she’ll always be your little one
no matter what the cost.

an original piece of writing, by J…

Stepping forward with a tremble in my foot...

2009-04-07T10:40:00.001-07:00

One song can spark a moment,
One flower can wake the dream.
One tree can start a forest,
One bird can herald spring.

One smile begins a friendship,
One handclasp lifts a soul.
One star can guide a ship at sea,
One word can frame the goal.

One vote can change a nation,
One sunbeam lights a room.
One candle wipes out darkness,
One laugh will conquer gloom.

One step must start each journey,
One word must start each prayer.
One hope will raise our spirits,
One touch can show you care.

One voice can speak with wisdom,
One heart can know what's true.
One life can make the difference,
You see, IT'S UP TO YOU!

Tonight I will drive 30 miles to the south. The music will be loud, the gas pedal will be pressed and I...I will be scared.

I will keep glancing at the small yellow post-it note stuck to the front of my faux brown leather journal on the passenger seat (the only thing I am required to bring with me other than a pen) even though in my mind I know exactly where to turn.

I will find a parking space while my heart thumps against the walls of my chest in an effort to escape.

I will search for room #230 in that large brick building and hope that getting lost is not a part of my itinerary for the evening.

My hands will shake. *note to self: bring something to drink and remember to pee first* I will force myself to walk through the classroom door and find a seat somewhere in the middle.

I will search for friendly faces in the crowd around me. Someone will finally speak to me. Then and only then will the shaking subside and the heart calm itself.

I will realize that I can survive the unknown...again (a lesson that I must re-learn on a constant basis).

I will walk out of that classroom three hours later with a sense of pride only I can give myself, for the first step will have been taken. The first real step to realizing my passion. Or the second, I suppose, if you count this blog.

One way or another, it's up to me to let these voices out of my head. To allow these stories to flow from my fingers. To put it all down on paper after paper, journal after journal. That is my dream...to let it all out, so it's not clouding my judgement, my plans and my life any longer. The real and the imaginary, all together, on paper, in stories, trapped in the written word instead of the wrinkles in my brain.

Are you ready for the chaos that could cause?

No.

But I am walking forward with my head held high, my eyes looking straight at you and my fingers itching to explode with images on paper.

I will do this.

But I am terrified of the outcome.

TechnoMonday...

2009-04-06T09:47:00.006-07:00

Do you know what is making this Monday morning a manageable one for me? Technology. Yeah. This computer is acting as my friend today by allowing me to decompress while still allowing me to focus on the tasks at hand. Right now I have six tabs and two screens open and everyone of them is keeping me in tune with myself and allowing me to make it step by step through a Monday. Again.

Currently I am listening to a playlist on Project Playlist that I call "Songs to Sing To". I have filled it with songs that are easy to sing along with in an empty office while I am doing mundane things like vacumming and dusting. I have several other playlists that i put on depending on the mood I need to set...or fix.

I am also logged into my blog here which is allowing me to take the thoughts swirling in my head and place them squarely here on this page thusly creating much needed space for the rest of my thoughts to bounce around in.

I have both my work and my personal e-mail accounts open so that I can stay on top of any incoming correspondence (giving me a distraction form the mundane duties of office life).

Facebook. Yeah, that is open, too. The occasional peek to see what everyone is up to and what new quizzes I can do to learn more about who I am (this mornings newest being "What Swear Word Are You?" and for the record I am "Shit").

Of course, I also have an excel spreadsheet open with all of the tasks to be completed today on it. I cross them out when I complete them which gives me a tangible accountng of how much I have actually accomplished since I got here at 8:30 this morning.

And lastly, another person's blog is up. I do a task and reward myself with the words of a fellow blogger in my long list of favorites. It allows me to get my work done and still be caught up on what is going on in the blogosphere.

Technology is my friend on a day like today. A day when I am otherwise inclined to sit in the corner and finish my "Twilight" book and wish it were yet another weekend day so that I could be with my family. I felt cheated out of the weekend. Partly because I didn't take advantage of the time I did have with my kids and partly because circumstances cheated me out of a much needed date night (one that won't be recovered for several weeks). Today, I am tired. And sore. And needing technology to get me through.

What kind of technology do you use to get you through Monday's? I can always add to my arsenal. :)

**Side note: This is my 200th blog post. That makes me kind of happy.**

A letter...

2009-04-01T09:55:00.003-07:00

Dear Mother Nature,

I have been patient with you even as I rubbed the sore muscles in my neck and back, chased after the dogs that wandered over, yes OVER, the fence, and attempted to make an edible meal out of the few ingredients we had left in our pantry.

I have tolerated your antics even when they have caused harm to the properties of my loved ones, shut down the schools causing the children to have to attend until June, and had me held prisoner in my own home.

I have defended you against those threatening to string you up on the nearest tree because not unlike a telemarketer, it is just your job.

I have allowed you to sow your wrath upon my town, my home, without so much as a slap on the wrist but this? This is intolerable and beyond what I can deal with. It. Must. Stop. Now.

They are telling me that you are dropping another blizzard on us in a few days. But not only that, you are going to shoot the sun right in our direction first so that we warm up to the 50-60 degree weather before dropping feet of snow on our doorsteps. Really? Must you be so much of a bitch? Is it really that necessary?

You have had all winter to lay the snow on our landscape. A constant few feet would have been appreciated. But did you take that opportunity? Nooooooo. You did not. Instead, you decided to laze around for a few days and allow the sun to do your work for you and then BOOM! slam us with 3, 4, 5 and sometimes in excess of 6 feet of snow at once. Why? Why do you hate us so?

We have always been on decent terms. Even when you are killing our crops with your droughts, we have stuck by you and defended your honor until we were allowed a few drops of moisture. But this? This is un.ac.ceptable. Seriously. You have laid over 20 inches of moisture on these already water soaked landscapes and now you want to add more?

We have not yet been completely plowed out from the FIRST blizzard. The SECOND blizzard piled more snow on top of the mountains we already had. Our plow crews are working as hard and as fast as a city crew can work and yet we are still barely able to make it to school and to work.

If you drop more snow on us this weekend, thusly making this a weekly occurence, we will not be able to dig ourselves out before fall.

I don't know if it is just your time of the month (they now make pills to deal with that, ya know) or if someone here just pissed you the hell off, but what I do know is that I am done dealing with your shit. Drop one more snowflake on this area of mine and I swear to you we will go on strike. You will not see a single face, a bared arm, a living body out in your "beautiful horizons" for a long, long time. I swear to you. We will stay indoors and death be to you, Mother Nature. Death be to you.

Sincerely,
Pissed off in Snowville...

The title has nothing to do with the post...school/work has been cancelled once again due to a blizzard.

2009-03-30T07:01:00.005-07:00

It must always happen this way. As soon as I don't write anything good in my blog for over a week, someone goes and points people right on over here. And that, my dears, is where the panic starts to set in.

So, to those of you that are new here...instead of using this post to decide how witty and entertaining I am, read a few of my more classic posts. Go ahead. Just play around in my archives for a bit. You know you want to. Everyone is looking for a way to waste time. Especially when the boss isn't looking or you are like me and just want a glimpse into other people's everyday lives. My archives are entertaining...well, I think they are. I mean there was that time I ranted about the color of the tampon applicator. Oh, and that time I told you about my sister starting her period. Are all of my posts about a woman's "monthly gift"? Holy cow! I hope not. Oh, here's one about the cops coming to get us. Okay so maybe they're not that entertaining. Maybe you should just skip the archives. How about you just read my 100 Things About Me List? Oh, um. Maybe that isn't a good idea either. I might come across as a tad bit insane and most definitely quirky and if you don't like quirky, you won't like me.

Why do I care if you like me? Aren't we all spouting off at the mouth that we should be ourselves and it doesn't matter if people like us or not? Well, grrrrr. I care. I mean, I like it when you internet peoples read what I have to write (or rant) about because I feel like it connects us. Yep. A connection right out of thin air.

So, I am now pretty sure that I am rambling and even more sure that you are hating me more and more each and every second that you continue to read. You new peoples anyway.

Those of you that have been here awhile...thanks for liking me. :) Even when I ramble. And suck.

And for those of you that read Michelle's post...I did win a prize once. An orginal drawing done by her called "Take it Easy, Girlfriend". It's going on my new office wall (when we get it finished!) because it is just brilliant! And leave her a comment, okay? She's pretty cool. And her Mommy Blogger Monday's have given me some good reads in the past, so stay tuned for next week's installment.

For those of you who are sitting at your computer saying, "It's Monday. How do I make this day more manageable?", I have a tip for you.

Do not under any circumstances watch this movie...

The original movie came out in 1987 and included the action stylings of the Corey's (you know, Corey Feldman and Corey Haim. Remember those hotties?). That was a great movie. The sequel? Not so much. Not even a little bit. In fact, the only good part about it was the return of the original song that made the first movie so eerie. And I have to tell you, as if you didn't already know...Corey Feldman's career as an actor is official dead. Talk about overacting! Holy cripes! The original Edgar Frog didn't deliver this time. Hubby said that he hadn't seen a movie that cheesy in a very long time. Bad, people, just plain bad.

So if you are looking for a way to relax on this Monday, renting this movie is definitely not it. You can, however, picture me sitting in this cold house with a raging blizzard out my door and the kids whining about being bored (they've only been up for an hour and a half!!!) hungry and shivering while typing out a blog post for you. The look around you and say to yourself "This Monday is more manageable because I am not in the midst of a blizzard!" And if you are in the midst of a blizzard like me...I wish you could have gotten snowed in here! I could use some adult conversation. :)

Are you there, J... enter sound of crickets here

2009-03-27T11:24:00.002-07:00

Where the hell have you been, young lady?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know. Absent. For over a week. Gone. Disappeared. Not a single word written to let you know where I was or how I was doing. Nothingness. *sigh*

My excuse?

Oh. Um, I was busy. Am busy. Still. Not a moment of rest for this beyond tired soul. *sigh*

But, its Friday! Holy shit, I have never been more happy to see a Friday come in my entire life. :) I am ready for the weekend baby. Bring. It. On.

Ready for the run-down? Take a deep breath. You may need it. Cuz I have pictures. Yep. Pictures. Yippee for you.

THURSDAY, MARCH 19TH...Shopping for Materials.

Wood, insulation, $350 on the Menards Credit Card, super late when we got home, ruts in the soft grass from driving on it. Ugh!

FRIDAY, MARCH 20TH...Night out with My Girls.

Several text/pix messages about what I should wear (because I guess I am a girl and can't make that decision on my own), two Strawberry Daquiris and a Sex on the Beach down the gullet, two games of darts and $5.00 lost, ice in places it shouldn't be. Fun!

SATURDAY, MARCH 21ST...Remodeling Galore!

Lady K. came over, we emptied out the rooms completely and then framed out two outside walls, one inside wall and a closet. Hard Work!

SUNDAY, MARCH 22ND...Yell Until You Are Hoarse!

More small remodeling touch-ups, Birthday BBQ with the neighbors, rush to pick up Miss Insanity's daughter, rush to Girl Scout Cookie Booth location, stand in sun and yell until hoarse, send sick child home, finish up sales and pack up booth. 201 boxes of cookies sold in three hours. Whew!

MONDAY, MARCH 23RD...Thanks for Spreading It!

Miss Insanity informs me that all three of her children have Strep throat, school canceled due to impending bad weather, daycare closed due to infection, called in "can't come" to work, stay home with sore throat and laziness. Yuck!

TUESDAY, MARCH 24TH...Impending Doom Hits Hard!

Blizzard shuts down the entire area, interstate closed, stores closed, high winds and no visibility, people unable to open their doors, let dogs out to pee and they walk right over fence via the 6 foot drifts and run away, vehicles under massive amounts of wet snow. Stuck!

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 25TH...Escaped! But to what end?

We get out of the house, Hubby goes back to work, my office still snowed in, school still canceled, Teensy has bad sore throat again-take her to doctor, get prescriptions for her and me for Strep Throat, run Hubby back and forth to work because his car is still in 5 foot of snow, take Bubba to dentist appointment for a filling. Expensive Day!

THURSDAY, MARCH 26TH...Back in the Saddle!

Work until 2:30, rush to Cookie Cupboard to stock up on GS cookies for next cookie booth--they don't have them all, rush to grocery store to buy potluck item (Hummus and Pita Chips), go shopping at Kohl's...spend $200 and enjoy the retail therapy, rush to GS Leader meeting and Training Essentials Course (no one eats my Hummus), choke down Diet Coke since there wasn't anything else, head back home in snow and ice, call mom to check on kids--Hubby still at Town Hall meeting, pick up kids, unload 30+ cases of cookies, tuck kids in, wait for Hubby, rejoice over FREE membership to Community Center, wash new clothes, go to bed. Exhausting!

And that, people, leads me to today. Today, I am still trying to get caught up from three days out of the office, the car was dug out (causing some nasty back aches) just to find out that it was hydro-locked and thusly broken and needing to be towed and fixed, my living room is full of cases of GS cookies that need to be sorted into each girl and readied for tonight's Cookie Booth (which happens to conflict directly with a family Birthday Party), and the town is still covered in snowdrifts so high you can't see over them and narrow passageways that make driving difficult. *sigh*

Thank goodness it's Friday! I need a bit of a break, I think. And not one filled with bored, sick children and snow packed porches. A break that includes a few minutes to sit down and breathe in something other than the smell of cardboard and GS cookies.

St. Patty's Day fun for ye lads and lasses...

2009-03-17T10:12:00.003-07:00

Okay, so that title sucks. And it's probably not even Irish speak. What the hell...it's not like I am Irish (as witnessed by the below quiz scores) so I shouldn't know these things anyway, right?

In the spirit of the day, I played around with some Irish fun and games this morning. Check out the list of things I did to waste my time!

~~I took a Blogthings Quiz to find out my Irish Name.

Your Irish Name Is: Fidelma O'Shea

~~I took An All Things Irish Quiz (and failed miserably!).

You got 1 out of 10 right!

~~I found out some interesting facts about St. Patrick's Day.

Did you know there are 4 places in the US named Shamrock and 9 places called Dublin?
Did you know that 41.5 billion pounds of beef and 2.6 billion pounds of cabbage were sold in 2007?
Did you know that over 100 St. Patrick's Day parades take place in the US?

~~I learned some new jokes.

Q. Why should you never iron a four leaf clover?
A. Because you don't want to press your luck!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What kind of music does a leprechaun band play!
A. Shamrock 'n Roll.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What do you get if you cross poison ivy with a four-leaf clover?
A. A rash of good luck!

~~I found out that I should give an Irish gift to Lady K.

You Should Give a Bar Maiden

All in all, it was great fun filling my brain with even more inane facts and fun about a holiday that I assume is only about wearing green (which I am!) so as not to get pinched (which I won't!) and drinking green Irish Whiskey!

But do you know what my favorite thing about this day is? That I just got this as a souvenir from Lady K's trip to Vegas! Now I can carry my luck around on my phone!

What is ailing you on this Monday? I can cure it!

2009-03-16T11:55:00.000-07:00

It is once again Monday. I have officially been working my new hours for a week and I am loving being home with my kids.

But, of course, it is Monday and they are always the worst day of the week. So how about another tip to Make Monday a bit more Manageable? Yeah. Well, check out this doozy.

The Real Miracle Food is...

Bananas!

Bananas contain three natural sugars - sucrose, fructose and glucose combined with fiber. A banana gives an instant, sustained and substantial boost of energy. Research has proven that just two bananas provide enough energy for a strenuous 90-minute workout. No wonder the banana is the number one fruit with the world's leading athletes. But energy isn't the only way a banana can help us keep fit. It can also help overcome or prevent a substantial number of illnesses and conditions, making it a must to add to our daily diet.

So, what ails you today?

Are you depressed? According to a recent survey undertaken by MIND amongst people suffering from depression, many felt much better after eating a banana. This is because bananas contain tryptophan, a type of protein that the body converts into serotonin, known to make you relax, improve your mood and generally make you feel happier.

Is it that time of the month? Forget the pills - eat a banana. The vitamin B6 it contains regulates blood glucose levels, which can affect your mood.

Doctor just told you that you are anemic? High in iron, bananas can stimulate the production of hemoglobin in the blood and so helps in cases of anemia.

Is your blood pressure running high? This unique tropical fruit is extremely high in potassium yet low in salt, making it perfect to beat blood pressure. So much so, the US Food and Drug Administration has just allowed the banana industry to make official claims for the fruit's ability to reduce the risk of blood pressure and stroke.

Have a big test today and need some Brain Power? 200 students at a Twickenham (Middlesex) school ( England ) were helped through their exams this year by eating bananas at breakfast, break, and lunch in a bid to boost their brain power. Research has shown that the potassium-packed fruit can assist learning by making pupils more alert.

Having a little trouble going? High in fiber, including bananas in the diet can help restore normal bowel action, helping to overcome the problem without resorting to laxatives.

Have a big birthday party last night for your BFF and had a bit too much to drink? One of the quickest ways of curing a hangover is to make a banana milkshake, sweetened with honey. The banana calms the stomach and, with the help of the honey, builds up depleted blood sugar levels, while the milk soothes and re-hydrates your system.

Heart burning from last nights spicy burrito dinner? Bananas have a natural antacid effect in the body, so if you suffer from heartburn, try eating a banana for soothing relief.

Pregnant and puking every morning? Snacking on bananas between meals helps to keep blood sugar levels up and avoid morning sickness.

Got bit by what had to be the very first mosquito of the season? Before reaching for the insect bite cream, try rubbing the affected area with the inside of a banana skin. Many people find it amazingly successful at reducing swelling and irritation.

Have a huge presentation and your nerves are getting the best of you? Bananas are high in B vitamins that help calm the nervous system. Overweight and at work? Studies at the Institute of Psychology in Austria found pressure at work leads to gorging on comfort food like chocolate and chips. Looking at 5,000 hospital patients, researchers found the most obese were more likely to be in high-pressure jobs. The report concluded that, to avoid panic-induced food cravings, we need to control our blood sugar levels by snacking on high carbohydrate foods every two hours to keep levels steady.

Stressed out so bad by the economy that you have developed an ulcer? The banana is used as the dietary food against intestinal disorders because of its soft texture and smoothness. It is the only raw fruit that can be eaten without distress in over-chronicler cases. It also neutralizes over-acidity and reduces irritation by coating the lining of the stomach.

Hot flashes? Many other cultures see bananas as a "cooling" fruit that can lower both the physical and emotional temperature of expectant mothers. In Thailand , for example, pregnant women eat bananas to ensure their baby is born with a cool temperature.

Upset about the changes of the season and have Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD): Bananas can help SAD sufferers because they contain the natural mood enhancer tryptophan.

Trying to quit smoking because it is a nasty habit? Bananas can also help people trying to give up smoking. The B6, B12 they contain, as well as the potassium and magnesium found in them, help the body recover from the effects of nicotine withdrawal.

Stressed out by the "Drama Llama"? Potassium is a vital mineral, which helps normalize the heartbeat, sends oxygen to the brain and regulates your body's water balance. When we are stressed, our metabolic rate rises, thereby reducing our potassium levels. These can be rebalanced with the help of a high-potassium banana snack.

Want to reduce the risk of having a Stroke? According to research in The New England Journal of Medicine, eating bananas as part of a regular diet can cut the risk of death by strokes by as much as 40%!

Been playing in the pond withthos froggies and are covered in warts? Those keen on natural alternatives swear that if you want to kill off a wart, take a piece of banana skin and place it on the wart, with the yellow side out. Carefully hold the skin in place with a plaster or surgical tape!

Scuffed up your shoe on the way to see a new client and need a quick shine on our shoes? Take the inside of the banana skin, and rub directly on the shoe...polish with dry cloth and the shine will be brought back to life.

When you compare it to an apple, it has four times the protein, twice the carbohydrate, three times the phosphorus, five times the vitamin A and iron, and twice the other vitamins and minerals. It is also rich in potassium and is one of the best value foods around.

So what is my point?

As my Hubby would sing in the style of Weird Al Yankovic...

"Have a banana,
have a whole bunch.
It doesn't matter,
what you have for lunch.
Just Eat It!"

He’s Creeping Back in…

2009-03-14T10:12:00.001-07:00

Hubby says it started when this guy asked to be my friend on Face Book.

I guess, he wasn’t just any guy. Technically, he’s my uncle. Although, no one really acknowledges that fact.

I know I don’t.

Well, until now, I guess.

I have a very extended family. My mom has been married 4 times now and there are five of us kids. Hubby’s parents were only married to each other but there are six kids in that family. So counting the siblings and their spouses alone there are 19 of us. I have numerous step-siblings as well from my mom’s recent marriage(some of whom I have never actually met). I also had a step-brother from one of mom’s previous marriages but I haven’t seen nor spoken with him in more years than I can count.

What does all of that have to do with my uncle? All of the above is on only one side of my family. My mom’s. No one on my Dad’s side is accounted for.

I haven’t had any sort of contact with my father since I was between 9-12 years old. Why can’t I pin-point it closer than an age range? Because I don’t remember. My childhood memories are so repressed that I am unable to remember specifics, just ranges.

As the story goes, he was given a choice…go to jail or sign over parental rights to me and my little sister. He chose the latter of the two. And I haven’t talked to him since. He pretty much disappeared from my life and he took his family with him. All of the uncles, aunts, and cousins…no contact at all. It’s like I don’t exist on their radar. I do have contact with my Grandpa…because he tried. He kept track and he stayed in touch all these years. He cared.

I could go on and on about growing up without my real father. About how I felt abandoned and unloved and how it has tainted my every relationship…

But that’s not what this post is about.

Hubby said it started when the uncle asked to be my friend on Face Book. He said it as he held me at six o’clock this morning. He said it in response to my obviously upset demeanor. The shaking (although that may have only been on the inside), the trembling voice, the sleep deprived eyes.

I had another dream last night. Yes, another.

My father has been standing at the edge of my dreams for a week now. Never showing his face. Never coming near me. And yet still making me afraid.

Do I have something to be afraid of? My adult mind would say no, not really. My inner child though, would not agree.

I have spent my life with terrifying thoughts in the back of my mind about being stolen. As a child, I was scared he would pop out from behind the bushes and take me. Now, I am scared the the prey will be my children. Every story of a pedophile, every story of abduction, every time my kids are outside playing with their friends, the thought lays in the recesses of my mind, never far from reach. The thought that he will take them…and along with them, the life and happiness that I have built without his help, without his guidance, without his love.

He has always haunted me. Like a ghost that isn’t dead. A ghost that can actually cause me harm. But I have always been able to compartmentalize him. Shove him into a little box and down so deep in my head that he can’t hurt me.

But now, he’s creeping back in and haunting my dreams.

The adult me wants to reach out. I have a step-mom and more step-siblings that have never laid eyes on. I have a whole extended family that lives within hours of me that I wouldn’t even know if I saw them on the street. With today’s technology, I could stay at a safe distance but have contact with almost anyone I want to have contact with. My step-mom has Face Book.

But the child in me awakens early in the morning shaken and scared because he once again crept into a place where he wasn’t wanted. Unannounced. The child in me knows that he has stolen so many years and moments of happiness from my life and by invading my dreams he continues to be a thief in the night.

Trying to reach out to a family that was taken from me may have opened the door to a demon resurgence. More armor may be necessary.

Do you live in the clouds or in outer space?

2009-03-13T10:43:00.001-07:00

As part of their grief counseling, the kids have been keeping journals. They occasionally write their feelings and thoughts, draw pictures or write letters directly to Grandma. Reading Bubba's journal tears my heart out of my chest in a slow ripping motion. The last entry I saw was a drawing of everyone gathered at the cemetery with the caption "I wish she didn't die" written above it. It almost killed me to read it.

Since the counseling is focusing on an outlet for their emotions, I decided that for her birthday, we would all write letters on helium filled latex balloons and let them float up to heaven for her to read.

I have this vision in my head of her sitting in the clouds (like a Care Bear, as my daughter pointed out) just looking down on the world below. She is on a porch swing with Grandma F. on one side and Aunt JoAnn on the other and the three of them are smiling and catching up with each other on all of the things that were missed. They are gossiping about us that are still on this Earth with a tear in their eye and a smile on their face. They are watching over us.

My vision continues with mom reaching out to grab the balloons, one-by-one, as they float by. She reads them carefully, cries at the pain they represent and then smiles because she knows we will be okay. We will rise above the pain and sorrow and will go on to live the lives she wanted for us.

I think she lives in the clouds.

Teensy thinks she lives in the clouds, too, because she is a dreamer like me.

Bubba thinks she lives in outer space. He's not as much of a dreamer. More logical than the rest of us.

I've never asked Dear Hubby where he thinks she is. Seems to me that he doesn't think like the rest of us. Heaven is not really a place to him, more of a state of mind, I suppose. I will have to ask him.

Each of us got something different out of it. Each of us went about it in a different way. The kids wrote their messages on their balloons in more of a art activity way. Teensy's was covered in pictures and hearts and questions. Bubba's was done quickly and messily and contained very little. Hubby wasn't sure how to go about it but got in the groove after a few minutes and let out some of the emotions he's been holding in. Me. Well, I am a wordy individual. I used every inch of my balloon to tell her things that I miss, things that I never said to her and things that we are doing right now that I want her to know. Things that I needed to voice and haven't been able to for various reasons.

All in all, it was a great idea. And I hope they reached her in Heaven.

March 11, 2009

2009-03-11T11:26:00.002-07:00

This wish for you, Mother,

is straight from the heart.

With more special meaning

than words can impart.

May OUR day hold pleasures

that you're fondest of.

And remembering each day

you're thought of with Love.

Happy Birthday!

I cannot speak for the rest, but I can speak for myself. Today is a day to celebrate you, just as it always has been. It will still remain special in my heart as the day you were brought into this world. We will gather tonight as a family (for the first time since Christmas) and enjoy the presence of those you helped to create, in the togetherness of family. We will come together just as we would if you were still sitting beside us at the table. With heavy hearts and free-flowing tears, we honor you on this, the anniversary of the day you were born. We miss you. I miss you.

Monday Morning Tip...to brighten your otherwise Manic (and snowy!) Monday...

2009-03-09T10:23:00.003-07:00

It's the first day of my new schedule at work. My new laptop is with my genius computer guy getting a great anti-virus and some new programs. The weather is crappy wintery snow. I have done almost everything on my work to-do list and am anxious to start my home to-do list as soon as I get there. It's definitely a Manic Monday! And what is better on a Monday than something to brighten your day? Nothing! That's what. So, without further ado, I give you my Make Monday Manageable Tip...

You know how you go into the grocery store and you need to buy a loaf of bread but you want to get the freshest of the fresh? So what do you do? You squeeze them for softness, right? Well this tip will keep you from squeezing loaves for good.

Did you know that bread is delevered fresh to the store five days a week? Breads are made on Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday and there is a way you can tell on which day it was made! I got a tip in my e-mail one day that included this fact...

EACH DAY HAS A DIFFERENT COLOR TWIST TIE!

OMG! Really? No more squeezy squeeze? I could get the freshest bread just by remembering twist tie colors? No way!

I was, of course, rather skeptical about this fact, so I put it in a safe folder in my e-mail to come back to later. The next day, I was in the grocery store to buy my daily doughnut (apologies to my fat thighs for my bad habit of getting five more winks thus allowing no time for a real breakfast) and I saw the bread man stocking shelves. I walked right past him. Then I stopped dead in my tracks, turned around and politely asked him if he could answer a question for me. He, being the wonderful guy he is, obliged. And what I found out was...

EACH DAY DOES HAVE A DIFFERENT COLOR TWIST TIE!

I did find out, however, that the colors that were in my original e-mail were not in the correct order according to my bread guy. So I urge you, to find the bread guy/gal at your most frequent bread buying haunt and ask for the colors they use. You will get the freshest bread and therefore it will last longer before drying out! Yippee! no more stale-before-it's-gone purchases!

In my grocery store, it goes like this...

Monday=Green
Tuesday=Red
Thursday=White
Friday=Blue
Saturday=Yellow

So, if I am in the store on a Saturday to buy bread, I would buy the one with the yellow twist tie to get the freshest. I would NOT want one with a green twistie because it would be almost a week old already! This also works on buns with the little plastic clippie things. They are also color-coordinated to days!

In conclusion, search out that bread person and get your own local color code. It will Make your Monday Manageable!

Ever told your child, 'We'll do it tomorrow.' And in your haste, not see his sorrow?

2009-03-06T09:43:00.001-07:00

I quit my job yesterday.

Have you ever watched kids playing on a merry go round or listened to the rain lapping on the ground? Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight or gazed at the sun into the fading night?
Do you run through each day on the fly?
When you ask 'How are you?' Do you hear the reply?
When the day is done, do you lie in your bed with the next hundred chores running through your head?
Ever told your child, 'We'll do it tomorrow.' And in your haste, not see his sorrow?
Ever lost touch? Let a good friendship die?
Just call to say 'Hi?
When you worry and hurry through your day, it is like an unopened gift....Thrown away.....
Life is not a race Take it slower.
Hear the music before the song is over.

I quit my job yesterday.

My son looked up at me from his place on the kitchen floor one night last week and said, "Do you have to go to work every day this summer?"

My heart broke. I love my kids and they are growing up way to fast right before my eyes. I run myself ragged every day of the week with no time to just stop and appreciate the little people that they are right this moment.

Like most people, I work full-time (8:30 to 5:00 Monday thru Friday). My kids get picked up from school by a daycare provider and spend the next couple of hours playing with their friends, watching movies, or playing video games. I pick them up, take them home and the routine starts. Do homework at the counter while I start dinner, eat dinner, get ready for bed, tuck the kids in, work on laundry or dishes, and then spend a little bit of down time watching tv with Hubby until I fall asleep on the couch. Get up and go to bed around 11pm. Repeat the next day.

While this schedule works for most people and for a lot it has to work, it's not working for me. Or for my family. Much of that time spent with my kids is time that I am grouchy because I have spent my entire day doing very little and then feel bombarded by the messy house and the loud children. It's not a good situation and it no longer works for us.

I've mentioned before that both of my kids are in grief counseling at school, however, did I mention that Bubba has been getting bullied? Terribly? To the point of constant headaches from his head being hit against the ground and crying because the playground monitors didn't believe he was not to blame and punished him instead. The grief counseling isn't moving along very well for Bubba. The bullying has been dealt with but still torments my little guy. Teensy...she's holding everything inside and will one day explode into a fit of crying so large she will flood the town.

My kids need me. They need to be raised by me with my ideals in their heads. With my lessons and my love and my understanding to get them through their days. That is my role as a parent. So that is what I must do.

I quit my job yesterday. Even with an unstable economy, I chose to take care of my family first. I chose to live a little lighter and spend dramatically less so that my kids have me to take care of them.

But they wouldn't let me go. My employers bent over backward to work something out so that we all can be happy in the long run. Today, we work out the final details and those will look something like this...

I will work from 8:30 to 2:30 from now until the kids get out of school so that I can be there to pick them up and we can go home and have homework done and dinner made before daddy gets home and we can all enjoy family dinners again that are eaten early enough to spend a little time cuddling on the couch or playing a game.

This summer, I will work about 10-15 hours a week. I will come in each day for a couple of hours and my kids will come with me. They will watch a movie in the back office or play out in the yard and then we will enjoy the summer days together.

Next Fall, I will go back to the 8:30 to 2:30 hours.

My house will be cleaned and organized finally. We will be able to enjoy family picnics on Daddy's lunch breaks and summertime BBQs on weeknights. The kids will get to play with their friends. I will be able to work on an exercise plan, take my dogs for walks and get back to the things I liked doing before I came back to work...like hang with my BFF.

And I will be making only a little less than when I was paying someone else to raise my kids for me.

I never wanted to be a stay-at-home-mom...until I started working full time and realized that I was missing a lot. And now I am really excited to still be able to provide a little extra money for my family while still being the caretaker, teacher, and mommy to my babies.

I quit my job yesterday...and it worked out to my advantage. :)

Today's lesson is brought to you from the dictionary of a child...

2009-03-05T10:07:00.001-07:00

"You, Teensy, are A-door-ee-bul! Do you know what that means?"

"Yep. It means you put a friend in a bowl and cook it like chicken."

And this is the point in which we all completely die laughing. :)

Apologies on my tardiness, my dear...

2009-03-04T14:09:00.001-07:00

A while ago, I asked CelticBuffy to interview me and I went ahead and answered one of the questions in her interview and then very promptly shoved the rest of them to the bottom of my inbox. Well, I have unearthed them, answered them and am now posting them! Whoo hoo!

(Sorry it took sooooo long, my dear!!!)

What reality TV show would you like to be a participant on? I am actually dying to be on a game show which is kind of a reality show, right? Kinda? Not really. Well, anyway, I want to be a contestant on "Don't Forget the Lyrics" because I think that I could do really well. What's stopping me? I don't live anywhere near where the show is filmed, I have to send in a video of myself as an audition tape, and I just can't figure out who I would choose for my backups!!! I would lose just about every reality show there is.

Survivor, please leave the island for being a wimp.
Real World, too old, application in trash can.
Amazing Race, not enough experience with travel (and too much crying), you are the last one to make it.

Yeah. I would just suck.

If you could go back back and relive someone else's life, the way they lived, whose life would it be? Really, I would choose to go back and live the life of one of my friends so that I could better understand they lives they have lived and the pain they have felt so that I could be a better friend to them and be more understanding of the place from whence they came.

Tell us one of your guilty pleasures. Oh. Do I have to? All right. I DVR teeny-booper tv shows and movies constantly and religiously watch them all the time! Gossip Girl, Secret Life of an American Teenager, 10 Things I Hate About You, She's All That, Princess Diaries...the list is endless! I didn't live a teenage-hood life like any of those shows/movies depicts and it fascinates me the type of relationships and dramas that they formed. Hubby hates my dramatic shows and that is what turns them into a guilty pleasure for me. I watch them when I am alone and can concentrate really hard on what's going on.

What book and movie can you read/watch over and over and never tire of reading/seeing? Movies would have to be the Rush Hour movies, Mr. and Mrs. Smith, and 10 Things I Hate About You. Books are a bit harder. I read and keep a lot of books but once I read it, I am not likely to read it again.

When is it considered TMI?

2009-03-03T13:38:00.001-07:00

My Dear Hubby calls me every day at lunchtime. Yeah, I know, it's sweet. Well, I think it's sweet until I really start to analyze and remember all of the arguing we had over him getting a cell phone to begin with. His "I'll never, ever carry it" attitude. His snide comments about "even more money" going out the window on a monthly basis. His "I won't even know how to use it" antics. Grrr! Now he gets twice as many calls and three times more text messages than I do! Damn men! Man. Whatever. But then I start to think about all the texts he sends me just to say hi or he misses me or he loves me. And I think about the calls at lunchtime and then I get all mushy brained and romantic feeling because I have this husband that actually cares. *sigh*

Oh, I am pretty sure that isn't the point of this post.

So, let me get to the point. Or at least edge my way a bit closer.

Today, Dear Hubby called just like always. He's heading to the bank to make a deposit before he rushes home to grab a bite to eat and heads back to work.

I bombard him with news on Little Sis. They've made it to Italy. Their luggage didn't arrive with them. They have no change of clothes. Her husband had to sign in on post (Army) to get them a hotel room and they made him actually go to work. Yes! On the same day they arrived! Hotel has windows that won't close or she can't figure out how to close and a heater that she must keep baby away from.

He tells me about the kids' dentist appointments this morning. Both got a cleaning. Both got a Flouride treatment (the cheap one and not the expensive last-longer one). Teensy saw the dentist...has a few cavities but teeth look good. Bubba needs to brush better. Bubba has a follow-up appointment to take care of a filling (I tell him). Teensy will need another appointment but I will need to call and schedule it.

All in all, a normal conversation for a lunch hour (well, minus the occasional bitching about a passive aggressive nuisance that shall remain nameless!). And it is all wrapped up with "I love you" and "I may be home late" and click.

I go out to bring in the mail.

I come back in to realize my phone is vibrating on my desk. I answer. It's the Hubby.

"Talked to brother 2 the other day. Cemetery plots by Mom and Dad's are set to go up in price and they are almost out of spaces to buy. Family bought a bunch. Brother 2 and wife, brother 1 and wife, sister...all got some. Will hold some for us. Do you want a cemetery plot, my dear?" (Okay, so I paraphrased that a little bit but you get the point.)

Visualize this...I am standing in front of a bulletin board pulling tacks and Hubby asks me if I, a 28 year old, relatively healthy woman, would like to choose where I want to spend my dead days. I am pretty sure that after my jaw hit the floor, I stuck a tack in my eye. Blood spurted onto the bulletin board and I now have to remake all of the flyers on the computer using only the one eye that is not now covered in a pirate patch.

You're right. *sigh* I didn't. What I did do was gasp in horror and try to squelch the rising panic attack at the thought that I will someday...eventually and hopefully when I am extremely old and fragile...die and at that time my family will need to know what to do with my body. I. CAN'T. THINK. ABOUT. THAT. RIGHT. NOW! *breathe in, breathe out*

I calmly and rationally tell Dear Hubby that I cannot and will not make such a decision today and that if he is certain that is where he wants to be buried then he should feel free to go ahead and purchase himself a plot. *breathe in, breathe out*

Crises averted. For today.

I then, in retaliation for making me face my own mortality today, call him back to tell him about what happened on The Bachelor last night (even though we never watch that show and have only seen the few minutes where he told Melissa he didn't want her) and end the conversation with...

"And OMG! Little Sis got her period today and bled all over the only pants she has with her! What? Why is that relevant? Because she got her period at the same time that I did...on the other side of the world! Isn't that neat?"

Do you think that was too much information?

Those fckers with their expensive sht and their spoiled no-good brats...

2009-03-02T16:09:00.001-07:00

I had one of those complete a-ha moments yesterday in which I fully realized that I hold within me a prejudice. Yes, internet, a prejudice. I felt deep inside a complete hatred for another human being (and their spawn) based solely on...

...their massive Hummer and enclosed Harley Davidson trailer!

Okay. I will come clean. The hatred for them didn't begin that way. It only intensified when I witnessed that they were sporting expensive matching snowsuits and were loading up their way-too-large, perfectly running snowmobiles into an expensive enclosed trailer to be hauled away by an even more expensive new Hummer.

It could have something to do with the fact that we were sitting on our homemade flat trailer in our mismatched, whatever we could find snow gear (including my son whose snow boots were left at the school and therefore had donned three pairs of socks, plastic bags, and holey sneakers on his feet) waiting for Dear Hubby who was doing one last hard run to get his machine running in a manner he was comfortable with so that we could load my old snowmobile into the truck we borrowed.

It could. But it doesn't really.

My hatred actually stemmed from an event several minutes prior that involved the life of my precious child becoming endangered at the hands of an absurdly stupid stranger.

I should tell you that Dear Hubby has been riding ATV's in one form or another for most of his life. He learned to ride a dirt bike at the age of 6 and was racing shortly thereafter. He knows the trails in this neck of the woods rather well. He knows the trail-etiquette (and even taught me some as I had never been riding on a trail before yesterday!) and the ins and outs of how to behave and be safe.

As this is the case, we happened to be enjoying some family fun time in the snow this past weekend. After several hours on the actual trails, we headed back to the vehicle and ate some snacky/lunchy stuff and took the kids and their sleds to a big hill. Once we tired of driving up and down that hill to shuttle the kids back and forth we decided to try a different kind of fun.

We happened to be parked by a large open field. Large enough that there was plenty of room for lots of snowmobiles to cruise through without incident and as it was around 2 o'clock and most everyone was out on one trail or another, the field was empty. So we sat each kid atop a small snow tube which we had roped approx. 15-20 feet behind the our snowmobiles (Teensy behind mine and Bubba with Hubby). Knowing the limits of our smallish children and being extremely cautious of each other, the swinging radius of the tubes, fellow snowmobilers and other potential hazards (like rocks and phone poles), we set out on the edge of the field to have a little fun.

I must say it was quite entertaining to see that huge smile on my daughter's face through the large white helmet she wore. She was having a blast even with a few spills where the tube swung too far out and she crashed over.

I had just replaced her on the tube after one of said spills and began the slow take-off once again when I noticed another snowmobile out of the corner of my eye. I did a wide turn to swing Teensy out a bit and looked again in the direction of the snowmobile just to find out that it was coming right for us. And not just right at us but at an excessive speed.

Let me remind you that there was a HUGE field all around us. We were taking up a small corner with our family fun time and yet this snowmobiler found it necessary to come racing not through but INTO our area. The area in which even if I had stopped, the tube containing my little Teensy could have slid out into the path of the oncoming snowmobile. I was immediately terrified for my daughter and there was nothing that I could do.

Thankfully, the person missed my daughter. And by person I mean very young girl (like around 10-12) on a machine way too big and way too powerful for her by any persons standards that was never taught the basics of safety on said machine.

I flagged down my husband and insisted that I wasn't going to put the kids in jeopardy again and therefore if that kid were to head our way again, we would be done...her stupidity and lack of common sense ruining our family fun.

Only as were were returning to our parked vehicle did I notice the girl again. In a pink snowsuit to match the pink snowmobile with her parents and other siblings presumably. The were loading up their belongings and heading on their way...

...and it took everything in my being to not scream and shout at the parents for being so irresponsible and for not paying attention to the actions of their daughter on a deadly machine.

And that, ladies and gentleman, is why I harbor hatred and prejudice for people who are irresponsible and lack the common sense it takes to be a deserving human being. Those Hummer driving, HD hauling, snowmobile riding, child spoiling, less-than-humans PISS. ME. OFF!

End of rant <here>. Thanks.

Oh, and we had a lot of fun this weekend! Wish I had pics for you but my cameras batteries were dead and none of the rechargeable ones were charged!

Late Night theories...

2009-02-27T01:07:00.002-07:00

"People are complex. They are not good or bad, black or white. I think labels are destructive. The choices we make, especially when we're young, don't decide who we are. They just add to the people we are becoming." --Sage Baker on Priveleged

It's the occasional little gems like this quote that form the reason I watch much of what I do on television. This particular quote sums up my theory on life in a few short, perfectly worded, sentences.

It came at the end of an episode in which I smiled in pride at the way they tackled the same sex marriage issue with two men planning their wedding and then frowned in disgust when they showed only the first moments of the ceremony just to skip to the reception, never showing the vows and thus glazing over an important part for many viewers...including myself.

It came at the end of an episode in which a girl must face the fact that her religous boyfriend isn't open to new experiences in life being rather content with the limited experiences he already has and therefore must make the hard decision to break off the relationship and thus making me tear up (they were such a cute couple!!!).

It came at the end of an episode that contained as many ups and downs as my own life in the span of an hour instead of 28 years. An episode that left me feeling inspired and alive.

You see, my belief in life is that people are complex. We are all made up of a menagerie of experiences and lessons learned. There is no black and white, good and bad. It's all gray area to me. Every circumstance must be judged on an individual basis based upon that person's experiences and their lives up to that point. What is good for one is not necessarily good for the next.

Everything that happens in one's life makes up the person they become. If I do a bad thing, that doesn't make me a bad person. It makes me human. My childhood was full of abuse, negative feelings, and a large dose of heartache along with the good memories. As a teen, I made mistake after mistake. As an adult, I have made bad decisions and put myself ahead of others when I shouldn't have. And yet, I can't bring myself to regret a moment of anything that has happened in my life. I regret causing pain to others. I regret how I reacted at times. But I do not regret the actual events that have taken place in my life. It has all shaped and formed and molded who I am right this minute.

"The choices we make, especially when we're young, don't decide who we are. They just add to the people we are becoming."

So give people the chances they deserve. Realize that life is in the journey. Allow everything you experience and every choice you make to mold you into the best person you can be.

Maybe we'll all have it master by the day we die. One can only hope.

((Yeah. This is the type of thing I think about in the late night hours when the kids are sleeping and the Hubby is off working on his snowmobile. It doesn't happen often that I get quite this deep in thought. Hope it was a nice change of pace.))

Deserted Island here I come...

2009-02-26T11:52:00.011-07:00

Scenario: Your ship has sunk. You have, of course, been stranded on a deserted island. You have salvaged a copy of the King James Version of the Bible and a copy of the complete works of Shakespeare. Nothing else. The very next day you find one of those Arabian Lamps in the sand. Of course, you rub it and, of course, a rather grumpy Genie appears. "Let’s get this straight - there is a recession going on. There are restrictions on the three wishes now. I don’t do water or air transport now so no boats, planes or magic carpets. As for electronics, forget it. There isn’t the infrastructure on this island. I can let you have one book and I mean one VOLUME, one essential item and one luxury item. Now hurry up and make your choices, I have to get to those five other islands you are going nominate."

MY BOOK

This is the book I would choose (or something like it) because if I am going to be stranded on a deserted island, I am going to need some lessons on survival. I wouldn't make it two days on Survivor (mostly because I just don't look that good in one of those tiny headbands they wear as shirts!) before they kicked my sorry ass off the island. And since I already have the complete works of Shakespeare and the bible, I will have reading material to live on for a while.

MY ESSENTIAL ITEM

How is that one item? Because it's my family and my family is one item. My hubby, my kids, and my best friend all rolled in to one wonderful--one essential to my happiness--thing.

MY LUXURY ITEM

A very large, very soft, very warm blanket. I have a tendency to get cold and there are so many fun things one can do with a blanket. So that is what I choose.

But wait. Oh shit. What about a knife to cut things with? What about matches to start a fire? What about a writing utensil so that I can keep a journal and write stories for the kids? What about something to keep them entertained? What about clothing? What about the fact that I will only eat a chicken, a pig or a cow and those aren't likely to be found on a deserted island? Oh holy crap, I hate this game. I quit. Take me home.

And I am supposed to tag some people but I don't wanna. This game didn't make me smile like I thought it would. Grr!!

Lessons from the high school crowd...

2009-02-25T15:14:00.004-07:00

I may need to check my birth certificate but I am pretty sure that I was born in September of 1980. Yeah. I am sure that was the year. And if that was, in fact, the year my mother labored for hours to bring me into this world, that would mean that today, as I sit here typing, I am 28 years old. Correct?

Yeah, that is what I thought.

What does that mean? Well, that means that in the eyes of the law, I am an adult. I can legally purchase alcohol, go to war, gamble, enter into a contracual agreement, etc. In the eyes of society, it means that I am old enough to know better but still young enough to engage in some frivilous fun on occasion. I can wear clothes that are cute or a little edgy because I am technically still in my 20's. Right?

So where in that 28 year old world does the High School Drama fit in?

The answer, my friends, is nowhere.

I have had my share of drama. I have, as recently as two years ago, lost a massive group of great friends to said drama. Drama I brought about, actually. And therein lies the point. My priorities have been put in order (finally) and the path that is set before me calls for one thing...me to behave like an adult.

And that is what I shall do.

I will not tolerate drama. I will not engage in drama. I will not be a part of drama. I have had my fill.

That is, of course, not to say that I won't occasionally gossip (as everyone loves a good piece of gossip). Nor does that mean that I won't get sucked in from time to time but as soon as I realize that I have been sucked into that never-a-good-ending vortex, I will bail. Me, myself and I can't handle YOUR drama.

I am trying to do the right thing, folks. I am trying to stay out of trouble and I am trying to walk the line that's straight and narrow. I don't want to fall off this tightrope...again...so I am doing all that is humanly possible to keep my balance. And because of that, I need to get this off my chest...

I get that this is a difficult situation. I get that I am friends with both of you. I get that you need to talk and you feel comfortable with me. I am okay with all of that.

All that I ask of you, is that you act like a fricking adult instead of a teenager needing attention and I would prefer it if you would keep my daughter out of your dramatic interpretation of life! She is fucking 6 years old and does not yet need to learn the lessons you are forcing me to teach her because believe you me, I am teaching her lessons from this.

She is being taught that it is not necessary to choose between two friends that subsequently hate each other. You can be friends with whoever you want to be friends with. You can invite anyone you want to your birthday parties because if they can't suck it up and get along out of love and respect for you, they can see themselves to the door.

She is being taught that just because your friends are doing something does not mean you have to go along with it. When a friend is bad mouthing someone, it is okay to say "I don't agree" and walk away. Friends like that aren't worth the time and hassle.

She is being taught that people deserve second chances in life...and sometimes third and fourth and fifth...because life is about the relationships we have and the memories we make and holding a grudge and hatred inside is not a healthy way to live.

She is learning that she can make her own choices and do her own thing regardless of others thoughts and feelings on the matter. And she is learning it because of yours and your daughters actions. So I suppose thanks are in order. I may not have wanted to teach her those lessons as part of her first grade curriculum but they are valuable all the same.

As for me? Go right ahead and continue to put me in the middle as you both know exactly where I stand. I will not do anything to alienate either of you because, like my precious little girl, I know that I don't have to choose. I am an adult. But please know that I do have my limits.

I won't tolerate random snarky text messages and voice mails--I will ignore they ever happened. I won't pretend not to know things that I do know. I will not engage in the bad mouthing, however, I will stand there and listen because you entertain me. I will form my own opinion on every matter at hand despite what yours happens to be. I don't take what you say to me and use it as a conversation starter to the other person. We all happen to be linked via the school's counselors and if I feel that something I have witnessed affects us all, I will be the first to tell you in the interest of looking out for your children who I adore.

And anytime you want to tell me how utterly adorable my daughter is and how absolutely fabulous her momma is...please feel free. Because we all know that the two of us are RockStars!!! :) As witnessed by this outfit we put together for school this morning...

Awww! An orange sleeveless floral dress over a pair of dark jeans and accompianed by short sleeved jacket for added warmth (since it was only about 40 degrees here today) and worn with her jack-o-lantern Halloween socks (the only clean ones!) and her usual brown Airwalk kicks. Eat your heart out Hannah Montana! Teensy is the Rock Star now!

I got a new layout and all you get is...

2009-02-19T14:29:00.007-07:00

Today you get bullets! Fun for you!

I was tired of my eyes screaming at me everytime I opened my blog so I changed the layout. It took me many hours to get it at all the way I wanted it and I still might not be happy.

Miss Insanity has come up with the perfect murder weapon...an icicle. Yep. Genius, right? Except that now I told her secret so everyone will be looking at her as the suspect in the stabbing murder of someone's mom! It seems like she isn't the first to think this up though! Miss Insanity...you should read this book for ideas!
I tried my hand at from scratch layouts today and with her ideas came up with a new layout for Lady K. Hop over and check it out and let her know how much you love it!

I have a conference with both of my kids' counselors tonight. We are going to discuss their progress in the grieving department and see what else we can do. I'm nervous as heck about what they are going to say. I just don't want to cry.

Teensy has sold 160 boxes of Girl Scout cookies. Her goal is 200. She hasn't sold to immediate family yet and we now have two definite cookie shops set up so I think she'll make her goal.
I have actually had things to do at work and multi-tasking has been fun this week. Wish it could be this way always.

I was home all day on tuesday with a deadly migraine headache which meant a four day week at work. I think all weeks should be four day-ers.

I wasn't able to attend a Lia Sophia jewelry party held by one of the other daycare moms so I browsed through the catalog and bought this beautiful piece of jewelry for way more than what I intended to spend!
I am not the only one in my immediate surroundings that has a touch of OCD! From restacking hamburgers if they are done wrong to counting steps, the people around me are just as wacky as I am!!! I now feel normal...in an abnormal way. :)
I signed up for a Community Education Class on Creative writing. And i am a little scared about that. I've never taken a writing class before and I don't know if I will be any good.

And that is about it for today. I know I haven't posted all week but my brain just isn't thinking in terms of creative blog posts. So deal.

Bolting thru the weekend...

2009-02-16T14:55:00.005-07:00

Wanna know what I did for Valentine's Day?

I went out.

Yep. Surprising, ain't it?

Nah. Really, Dear Hubby and I took the kids to see a movie. The movie "Bolt" to be exact. At the cheap theater. Score! And you know what? It was amazing! Double Score!

It's a really adorable movie about a dog named Bolt (voiced by John Travolta--which is good because his voice is still good but who cares to look at him anymore? Ugh!) who is a the star of a hit tv show (think double-oh-seven type) and he has some wicked super powers (like a Super Bark!) but he doesn't know that he's on tv. He thinks that he has super powers in real life. He goes on a cross-country adventure in search of his "person", Penny (voiced by Miley Cyrus, again, great that she's animated because we are just tired of looking at her!) to save her from the evil "Green Eye Man" and the result is some funny stuff that is family friendly and an all around good time.

Do you see that cat? Her name is Mittens...and she's a little homely. The hamster in the ball? Yeah, he's Rhino...and he's funnier than shit! Love that little guy!

Check it out! we will be buying it on DVD as soon as it comes out because I just can't get enough! Even the stale popcorn and movie theater full of small talking children was worth the hassle for this movie!

((And that is all of a Valentine's Day recap as you are going to get because what happened after the movie was horrific and not at all worth writing about. Today, anyway. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe not. Let's just say that the movies this weekend were the best part and leave it at that!))

That's what she said!

2009-02-14T08:00:00.002-07:00

February 14th is a big deal.

To me.

But not for the reasons that you might think.

Saturday is the anniversary of an important day in my life. Something happened exactly 8 years ago that would change my life forever in ways that were unimaginable at the time. Ways that I could never have predicted. I am where I am now because of what went down on that fateful night.

-----------------------------------------------

It was 2001. I was dating this guy. A really sweet guy. We'll call him "Tiger".

Tiger decided that for Valentine's Day he was going to take me out to dinner. So we got in the car and headed to a nearby town where we dropped off my son at his aunt's house for a few hours so that the two of us could be alone and we went to eat dinner at Chili's.

I think that I ordered the Monterey Chicken (because that is what I always order!) that night. We were sitting at a booth in the front of the restaurant and it was a cold February night so I asked him if I could borrow his jacket. Being a gentlemen (and a scholar since we were in college at the time) he allowed me to wear his jacket after a bunch of fiddling around trying to get it over to me. The dinner was nice. The conversation was nice. The boy was perfect.

After we finished up with our yummy food, we went back to his car to take a drive before I had to pick up Bubba. He drove us up a road that gave us a wonderful view of the nighttime city lights. I kept expecting him to stop so that we could just look and be silent for a little while. But he kept driving.

Finally, as we descended back into town towards the sitter, he pulled the car into the parking lot of a homemade ice skating rink that was almost never used. He said, "Come on". I was a little nervous about going out on the ice and I am sure I made up some excuses as to why not to get out of the car (I always do!) but he insisted that he wanted to give me a gift and he wanted me out of the car to do so.

We walked to the middle of the ice and he stood in front of me and told me to close my eyes. Although I didn't see him bring anything from the car, I expected him to place a teddy bear (since they were my favorite) or a bouquet in my waiting hands.

When I opened my eyes, he had one khaki knee on the snow covered ice with a black velvet box resting in his hand. It only took me a milisecond to realize that I was being proposed to. It was the best Valentine's Day gift that I could ever have possibly recieved.

----------------------------------------

The reason that night changed my life is because I said "Yes" and started immediately planning our September wedding. We were 20 years old with a shared 4 month old son and everything about it was perfect.

He told me later that he was extremely nervous that night. The ring was in his jacket pocket at the restaurant and he had to do some super quick shuffling to let me use his jacket. He also then had to quickly put it back from his pants pocket to his jacket while we were exiting the restaurant without my noticing. By the time we stopped at Wilson Park, he was quite nervous about how it was all going to turn out.

The funny thing is...I never saw it coming. I wanted to be married to him and I made no bones about letting him know but on that Valentine's Day, I never expected a thing.

Valentine's Day has always been my favorite holiday. The pink and red. The hearts. The chocolates and love messages. It's all my thing. I love romance and small gestures that show I am loved. "Tiger" knew that and although no Valentine's day could ever be topped by that one in the memorable moments category, he hasn't let me done since.

I just want to take a moment on this day to
say "Happy Anniversary, Baby". I may not remember the date of our first
kiss, I may not remember when exactly we met, but I do remember the day you
honored me with the opportunity to be your wife. It's been a ride but the
most wonderful one I have ever been on. Thanks for being my "Tiger"
through thick and thin, through happiness and sorrow, and for better and for
worse. I love you more now than the day you proposed and my love for you
will continue to grow. --Always, Forever and Beyond...Your Princess.

Loving me is easy 'cuz I'm beautiful...

2009-02-13T08:06:00.000-07:00

Snackie has declared this day as "Self-Love Day 2009" and I, for one, am excited at the prospect of thinking about myself ~~again~~ for once. :)

As you can tell from the previous posts, Valentine's Day is kind of a big deal in my world. But between the parties for the kids at school and at daycare that require both valentines and treats, the special "lovey's" for the kids, the picking out of the perfect card for Dear Hubby and sending some love to my special friends, I usually forget about the loving of myself. Me. The Queen of "Hearts and Flowers". I never do anything to love on me. So this year, Snackie has given me the idea and I will run far with it (beware of the heart shaped confetti sprinkling in my wake!).

These are her rules...
1.) Post a banner on your blog and declare February 14th as the day you not only love your one and only, but the day that you love yourself! (For those of you who need help, all you do is right-click over the image of your choice then click on “save as” and save it wherever you want.)
2.) Post one nice thing about yourself……then ask others to post one thing that they really like about you.
3.) Enjoy yourself!

Easy enough to follow, right?

So, the one thing that I am loving about me is that even in all of my anal obsessive-compulsiveness, I have bent when the wind blew hard and have not broken a single branch on this here tree. And that for me is huge.

In the past two years, I have been through every emotion known to man. From despair of losing a loved one to the immense joy of family togetherness. From fear of losing my marriage to feelings of complete acceptance. It's all been there. Happiness, sorrow, joy and anger. But somehow, I made it through. Me, the unwavering planner who hyperventilates at sudden changes. The woman that can break down into depression at a moments notice. I have fought off those assailants and kept myself out of the pits of despair.

How? By making a conscious decision to not allow the bad things to stop my life. By deciding that I would not only pull my ass up from the gutter but stand with my head held high and a look on my face challenging anyone to push me back down. I know that I have made mistakes. Big ones. I know that bad things have happened. Terrible things. But there are two ways for me to deal with it. I can either fail or I can flourish. I chose to flourish. I chose to continue to move forward with my life instead of staying stagnant in one place. And it was hard. And it hurt like hell at times. But I did it. I made it through to today by putting one foot in front of the other and feeling my way out of the darkness one step at a time.

And today, I ~~stand~~ sit before you and ~~say~~ type that I not only like myself, but I love myself. And if you don't, that is fine with me. If you don't like the choices I have made in my life, that is fine with me. If you don't agree with my stance on the issues, that is fine with me. If you don't like my actions or my words, that is fine with me, too. Because this is me. This is who I am. Everything that I have been through in life has brought to me to this place in time, this moment, and in this moment, I love the person that I am because of my faults and not despite them. I am living through this life and I am learning every step of the way and that...

...that is what I love about myself.

"Our greatest glory lies not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall."

Go ahead...make my day!

2009-02-12T13:05:00.006-07:00

It really is the little things that put a smile on my face.

I was walking into the grocery store this morning after a particularly trying conference with Bubba's teacher. I had exactly 10 minutes to get to work but I needed a pop...and a doughnut...way more than I needed to be on time for work.

Walking with my head held high (something I do when I am trying to convince the world...and myself...that I am okay) and my hands fiddling with my van keys, I headed towards the entrance. A man (it feels weird to me to call people my age men and women--I just don't feel that grown up) was walking out of the the exit and straight towards me. He got a big smile on his face when he saw me and then and there I realized that I knew him although I couldn't place his name. I hate when that happens. This one seemed to be a blast from my past, but not an important enough one for me to readily remember.

"Well, that looks like trouble coming my way," he exclaimed, his smile getting even wider.

I smiled as a retort flew from my mouth. "As always."

I once again tried to place his face with a name in the file cabinet of my mind but the search came up empty.

"How's it going?" I asked in the way of polite passing conversation. My feet kept moving toward the entrance with the urgency of the need to feel that sweet nectar sliding down my throat and releasing the tension that had built up in my spine.

"Good," was his reply as we passed each other's shoulders.

"And I see you're looking as good, as always," he added to my back.

I was so stunned by the comment that I didn't even have the courtesy to thank him, let alone add a likewise comment. I just continued walking, a large smile forming on my face.

It was something so miniscule that I probably will forget it within a days time but for that moment, that instant, that man whom I should have known did exactly the thing that I had been needing. It turns out that I didn't need a pop...I needed a smile. And his confident boldness gave me just that. Something to smile about. A reason to hold my head high.

And now that I think about it, I should have looked back. I am sure that had I done just that, I would have found him admiring the view as he watched me go. But then again, if you remember, I am not much into cat calls and the neanderthal ways of men.

I still can't remember his name or even where I know him from but...

...thank you mysterious shopper. Thanks for the smile on my way to work.

How long-winded does one need to be while procrastinating?

2009-02-11T15:09:00.001-07:00

I found this MeMe on Princess's blog. She called it "Get the Party Started". I am going to call it ...

RANDOM ANSWERS FOR MY LIFE

...and then I am not going to follow the rules at all. Well, maybe a few a little. Kinda.

Here are the rules:
1. Put your iTunes, Windows Media Player, etc. on shuffle. (I used my cell phone that has approx. 10 of my CD's uploaded to the memory card and therefore, has a minimal amount of music and yet are all songs that I like to listen to.)
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer. (I did this except that if my music player repeated a previous song, I hit the next button again.)
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS. (I did that. That was the fun part.)
4. Tag 10 friends. (Um, no. I am not tagging anyone. Do it if you would like to and leave me a comment so that I can enjoy your answers.)
5. Have Fun!

Let's get it on!

IF SOMEONE SAYS 'ARE YOU OKAY' YOU SAY?
Love in the First Degree --Am I to take this to mean that love has knocked me on my ass or that I am completely in love? This title confuses me a little as an answer to this question.

HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE YOURSELF?
Want To (Sugarland) --Yep, that is me...I want to do a lot of things right now! Which reminds me...I should register for that community ed class today!

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
One More Girl (The Wreckers) --That sounds a bit kinky. The only way I will like a guy/girl is if they bring another girl. LOL Probably not...well, maybe.

HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
Baby Mine (Alison Krauss) --Exactly. My thoughts today are on my little boy who was in the nurses office again. I have been worried about his behavior, his health and his mental state all day!

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
Good as Gone (Little Big Town) --My purpose in life is as good as gone? WTF. My life is not over. Now living good until I'm gone, that I can handle.

WHAT'S YOUR MOTTO?
I Believe in Love (Don Williams) --I do. I believe in love. :) That's a good motto...just like Love Will Keep Us Together (see last question).

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
Cigarettes (The Wreckers) --Is that because I used to go out on smoke breaks with them all the time even though I don't smoke?

WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
I'll Fly Away (Alison Krauss) --They are hoping! No, really, I am sure they never thought I would be the one to stick close to home.

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
Islands in the Stream (Kenny Rogers & Dolly Parton) --I can't say that I think about them often but in some ways it makes sense. The islands in the middle of the stream always seem so unreachable...especially since I won't wade out to them. Is that a message to me?

WHAT IS 2+2?
Bones (Little Big Town) --Really? 2+2=Bones...Math=Death. LOL Maybe to you but surely not in my life!

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
My Wish (Rascal Flatts) --Yes. Right on. Wishes for my best friends have been on my mind lately...that one be happy and that the other be safe.

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
What Hurts the Most (Rascal Flatts) --Keeping track of which thing hurt the most would bring me to my knees...but that is my life story for sure.

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
That Don't Impress Me Much (Shania Twain) --A career doesn't really impress me all that much. I really don't care what I am when I grow up.

WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Where the Green Grass Grows (Tim McGraw) --That's my home. That is where the green grass is. That is the life. That is my love.

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
Would You Go With Me (Josh Turner) --Who wants to go alone? I would sure be wanting someone to hold my hand through it. Want to go with me?

WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
So Small (Carrie Underwood) --Because I haven't been pursuing it at all lately.

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST FEAR?
If You Wanna Touch Her (Shania Twain) --Biggest fear...Don't touch my kid! Good answer to this one.

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
Bring it On Home (Little Big Town) --What? What am I bringing home? Huh? Not understanding this one? Hmm...must think on it some more.

WHAT DO YOU WANT RIGHT NOW?
Flat on the Floor (Carrie Underwood) --Is this saying that I want to be drunk? Well, maybe. Or is it saying that I want to be horizontal...well, maybe to that too! I could use some sleep right now! Or sex. That's good, too.

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
This Kiss (Faith Hill) --Kissing in regards to my friends? Um, no. Not so much. Hugs are good. Kisses? Not really.

YOUR HIGH SCHOOL SWEETHEART IS DOING WHAT NOW?
It's A Great Day to Be Alive (Travis Tritt) --Well, good, I guess. I mean I hope he is happy to be alive.

THE THING MOST LIKELY TO GET YOU FIRED FROM A JOB IS?
Love Will Keep Us Together (Captain and Tennille) --Does that mean that I will get in trouble for having sex at my job? Really? Hey, Hubby, wanna come have lunch with me? :)

What are they going to call you now?

2009-02-10T16:27:00.002-07:00

Okay, so I pick up the phone and I hear, "Well, hello J. How's it going over there?"

It took me a full five seconds to realize the person was talking to me. What? Girl are you losing you mind? Yeah, I know. This is probably nothing to you since my sidebar says my name is J, but really it's not. At all. Well, kinda. It starts with a J.

Here's the thing. I have spent most of my life avoiding my real name. I try out different nicknames all the time and sometimes they stick, sometimes they don't. Very rarely am I called by my real name. It's not that I don't like my name. It's unique. Or at least I thought it was until I hit high school and realized that someone else in the school had my name and now on the big bad Blogoshpere there is, once again, a woman with my name. It's a little unnerving to go your whole life thinking that you are the only one of your kind and then realizing that others have your same moniker. Everywhere. There was a woman with my name in front of me in line for coffee at Borders a few weeks ago and they called "our" name to pick up the order and she was like "I didn't order a Chai Tea Latte!" and I was like, "Oh, that must be mine." and the ladies behind the counter were all like "OMG, you have the same name so we got confused!" and then the two of us spent the next five minutes talking about the spelling of "our" name and how there is no one like us.

Ramble much?

My point is that it was a bit odd and threw me for a loop when this man on the phone called me J. No one calls me that, ever. Yes, it's the name on my blog, it's the signature on my text messages, it's even what I occasionally sign my e-mails with. But it's not my nickname, really. Just me being too lazy to type the whole name out (and too obsessed with the symbol (...) for my own good, if you want the total honest answer!).

So, I got to thinking about nicknames and my complete and utter obsession with them. I almost never call someone by the name everyone else uses for them. I must be different. I must have my own nickname for that person because I am completely incapable of being just one of the crowd.

For instance...every little girl around me gets called "Chica" or "Sweetie". There are no exceptions. Names that are normally shortened for convenience sake become the long version when I say them. And names that are normally not shortened, get shortened. It's just how I roll.

I, myself, have had numerous nicknames in my lifetime. My young childhood years were spent with me being called "Sissy" by my little sister and "Nenny" by my nephew. My teenage years, I was "Jay" or "Nellie" unless I was being called "Honey", "Babe", or "Sweetheart" by one of countless boyfriends. I went by "Peperooga" and the shortened version "Peper" when I was a belly dancer. And that's just a few of them! Now, I prefer to just go by my name...and it's weird to hear any of those other names in reference to me.

Well, in my real life anyway! On here, I prefer J... so you can tell the difference between me and the other bloggers with my name!

So what do they call you?

Germany...here we come!

2009-02-09T15:11:00.001-07:00

So, we did it.

We walked in and told them that we wanted to apply. We paid our money. They took some pictures, talked our ears off about their own vacations...and then we waited.

We (well, I) ran to the mailbox everyday hoping for that little package. That one that gave me the permission to go on my trip.

And now?

Now, we officially have the little blue booklets and the permission to head over seas! Yippee!

And the best part is that I will always have this little blue booklet and it's cute little stamps inside. I have one more form of identification in case I need it.

Do you know what's even better than that?

MY PICTURE LOOKS GOOD!

Score for me! Hubby looks like an escaped convict in his dark blue work uniform and his unshaven face but, I look good. Isn't that what matters?

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Next step in the journey to another land...tickets under $1400 each!

Help a girl out! If you find tickets to Germany for a good price, let me know! We are willing to fly out of just about anywhere as long as we can do it for a good price!

Losing the security...

2009-02-06T14:17:00.001-07:00

There is something that I need to put out there. It's kind of hard to explain and it may be a bit vague so please forgive me.

My mom, Little Sis and I moved to the town I now live in the summer before my Junior year of High School started. We came here trying to escape something. Violence, I guess you could call it. Well, just all around yuckiness. Bad people, bad things, bad memories. We were running not from a bad life but towards a better one. One in which we could all find what we had been craving, and missing, in our lives.

And we found it. We found peace. A life that was undisturbed by bad things and bad people. I, specifically, found a place that felt safe and warm and inviting for the first time ever. I found people that were nice and comforting and kept me safe at a time when I needed it the most. I found a life that offered me a view of the fairy tale ending that I had always read about. Even through the tough times, this was my home. The only place that I ever felt as if I was really at home.

This is my home. This town gives me a sense of pride and wonderment. The people feel like my family, even if they are strangers. The surrounding area is filled with more beauty than I could experience in a whole lifetime of exploration. This is my home. This is my safe and secure locale that I will always gravitate back to. This is the place that I belong.

At least it was. Until two days ago.

That is when I lost a lot of that security, that safety. Bad things had finally found me, caught up with me, touched me in this place. In my home. It's hard to explain. It's hard to put into words the feeling that swept through me. But I'll try. I have to try. It hurts.

You see, I saw something. Emptiness to be exact. The epitome of "a perfect home" devoid of everything. No longer filled with objects lovingly placed and replaced again and again. No longer overflowing with familial warmth and comforting sounds. A home without the homey feeling. Gone. Done. Vacant. Empty. The place, the house, that I considered to be "home" was hollow and just plain wrong.

Dad has moved on with his life. That just feels wrong. He now lives somewhere else. That just feels wrong. Brother-in-law and Wife are about to move in to the family homestead. That just feels wrong. Life has gone on without her...and that just feels wrong. Most wrong, in fact.

I no longer feel that I am safe in my bubble here and I no longer feel the obligation to hang around as much as I did before. Sure I still have my mom here, but my mom is still my mom no matter where I live. I felt at home here in this town because I had found safety, security, comfort...and family.

And now...

...and now, it's all be torn to pieces and lays around my feet in heaps and piles of debris. An argument here, a painful memory there. The litter left behind by a terrible tragedy that leaves me wondering if I will ever feel at home again.

What will it take this time?

What will it take for me to find a home again? The safety, security, and comfort that I have so craved throughout my life has once again been yanked away by a thief in the night. So what will it take this time?

Merry Christmas...Are You Dead Yet?

2009-02-05T13:15:00.005-07:00

I have a confession to make.

It's kind of a big one.

One that I am worried will skew your view of me forever.

I am a great gift giver (that is not my confession. "Wait for it..." Oh, wow! I never remember lines to movies and the like! I can't believe I remembered that one! Sweet! Wish I could remember which movie it came from! Oops...wander much?). Back on track. This last Christmas I was rather slack in the ideas section of my gift giving. Most likely due to the fact that Christmas didn't feel like Christmas without the home and family bit and therefore I was lacking any of the usual excitement and wonder behind the season to catapult my gift giving abilities to the super-stardom level. In fact, I just kinda stayed on the ground with the normal folk that never know what to buy.

Until one day, I was walking through the local Sam's Club and saw the absolute perfect present for my best friend, Lady K. You see, she is a food lover. And I don't mean that in just a normal "she likes to eat" kind of way. I mean that she has been known to have food orgasms (even multiple in one sitting) when she's eating something especially tasty. Food is her weakness. But she is a picky eater, too. Nothing American is going to fly at her table. the regular fare of pizza and hamburgers does not tempt her palate in the slightest. She prefers foreign delicacies on her plate.

Like Baklava.

And that, my friends is what I found in Sam's Club that day. The gift-giving heavens opened and smiled upon me as I realized that packaging was horrendous but the price was spot on, and therefore I could put my own little spin on the repackaging of it and make it my own masterpiece. Yay! I had done it yet again!

So that is what I did. I put the Baklava into a cute little tin and gave it to my bestest friend with all the love I could muster. It was beautiful. She loved it. *sigh* She coveted it. *sigh* She shared it with all who entered her house that she deemed worthy of a taste of the best gift ever. *double sigh*

So, why do I tell you this story now? Over a month after I gave such a wonderful gift?

This week, I got a letter in the mailbox that stated the following...

"This letter is to inform you that we have learned today that, RAIN CREEK BAKING CORPORATION in cooperation with the FDA has initiated a Recall of its BAKLAVA ASSORTMENT due to potential contamination of Salmonella.
Our records reflect that you purchased the BAKLAVA ASSORTMENT with a UPC 0003810520213. We request that you review your inventory records and segregate and return the item to your local Sam's Club for a full refund. If you have sold or shipped any of this product, we request that you contact your customers and notify them of the recall. "

Merry Christmas, Lady K. I tried to kill you.

What did you say you wanted for your birthday?

Oh and do you think you could return what you haven't already ~~scarfed down in a moment of weakness~~ ~~pawned off on someone else~~ eaten so I can get my money back? What's that? No. Wait just a minute. I am NOT a greedy little...oh, well, yeah. I guess I kinda am. Forget I asked.

Now I know how the other half lives!

2009-02-03T15:59:00.017-07:00

Last weekend, I got the immense privilege of staying somewhere that I never would have gotten the chance to stay. You see, my older sister decided that since she won't be traveling to Italy in the next 3 years to see Little Sis, that we would make our Vegas stay one of celebration...and by that she meant that she would pay for us to spend the night in the lap of luxury!

Holy cow and YAY for us!

When we checked in to the Bellagio Hotel in Vegas, Big Sis went to the front desk and Little Sis, Mom and I (along with the 5 little kids and our assorted luggage) trooped toward the elevators to await her arrival with the room key.

Now let me tell you. The Bellagio is a big deal. From the moment you drive up to the hotel, the immense beauty is overwhelming.

And the people...well they are high class. And rather suspect of the Hillbilly's standing to the side of the casino, in front of the high-class, expensive gift shop store front. The ones with the mismatched luggage and Wal-Mart bags scattered on the floor around them. The ones with the three small children sprawled on homemade fleece blankets, whining about "how much longer we have to sit here" and the one small child with her oily snack covered fingers leaving prints all over the glass window. The ones who are well aware of the fact that they look like Hillbilly's and are therefore cranky and thinking thoughts of pulling out their shotguns and laying into all of those hoity-toity lookers on.

Needless to say, check in took a lot longer than we expected due to a credit card mishap (the company flagged her card because she had been shopping in South Dakota and several locations in California and then tried to put an enormous charge on it in Las Vegas for a hotel room!). By the time Big Sis came walking through the casino with the room keys, us Hillbilly's were ready to blow.

However, the room itself cured all ills (and all maniacal thoughts roaming through our heads). Why you ask? Because it wasn't just a hotel room (or two adjoining ones like we had originally reserved). It was a Suite! A Penthouse Suite to be exact! Yep! Holy cow and YAY for us!

The room was laid out like this... ...only the Bedroom on the top had two queen beds instead of just one king.

Seriously! That is where we stayed! Let me tell you some stats of our hotel room on that most glorious of nights...

~It had 5 bathrooms that included 2 steam showers, 2 jet tubs, 4 huge closets with robes in each, a baday toilet and free champagne looking bottles of shampoo, conditioner, mouthwash, shave gel, bath gel, and lotion as well as a razor and toothbrush/toothpaste!

~The bathroom also featured a scale called "The Thinner" that told you your weight if you were about 40 pounds lighter!

~There were 7 flat screen televisions (including one in each of the bathrooms!) and the biggest/main one had a DVD player hooked up to it.

~There was a mini-bar.

~A dining room table that seat 6 people very comfortably.

~A living room with a couch big enough to sleep all 5 small children!

~Amazing pieces of artwork. ~Views that were absolutely to die for (although weren't of the Dancing Fountains like we were originally led to believe!)

(Yeah, I know the picture is only of the Caesar's Palace across the street but it was still a great view!)

~And this? This is the bed I slept in. By myself. A wonderful, queen sized cloud of softness that cured me of any insomnia that I could possibly have possessed the moment I laid my head down on it's pillow of ecstasy.

(And no. That bear does not belong to one of the kids. It belongs to me. His name is Ripley. And just FYI, I took this picture with my sister asleep in the other bed and my nephew slumbering in a real crib at about 2 in the morning. That's just how I roll, sometimes.)

I'm telling you people, the place was amazing and well worth whatever price Big Sis paid for it. I enjoyed myself immensely. :) There was a lot more to the hotel that My mom and I explored and took pictures of but that is just going to have to wait for another post (if I ever get to it!) because there was just too much beauty for one blog post. You can go check it all out over here.

I am now thinking about using this as the location to go get married again. Any reason to go back!

working on the workings...

2009-01-30T11:56:00.002-07:00

Remember on my list of 101 in 1001 how I mentioned that I need to make a pro and con list for my current employment to decide whether it's still worth it or not? Well, I no longer feel the need to do so because I have already made up my mind about it. A decision which you will just have to wait with baited breath to find out. However, recently CelticBuffy asked me an interview question that got me to thinking about this job situation.

If you could disregard money and the possible need for further education, what career would you choose for yourself and why?

I hate this question. Mostly because I don't really have a clue. Here's what I do know.

My dream job criteria would include:

Must challenge my mind on a daily basis and cause me to think outside of the box at times.
Must not be a self starter situation. I need someone to give me a list of things that need to be done with the exact times that they need to be done (taking into account that I suck at deadlines).
Must be inside of a building. Nothing involving the outdoors will do for me at all.
Must allow me to have a lunch break either inside or outside of the office where I can eat quickly and then read for a little bit to re-focus my energies for a little while.
Must allow me to wear clothing that I find to be comfortable. I don't necessarily need to wear blue jeans and T-shirts to work but no stuffy suits for me, please.
Must allow me to have co-workers that I can socialize with. I don't want to work with a bunch of guys that grunt as they pass by or girls that act like we are in high school. Just normal people that can hold up their end of a conversation and can at least pretend to care about what I say.
Allowing me to have my cell phone on is a definite plus since Dear Hubby texts me often and the kids school has that number in case of emergencies.
Should be something that can allow me to create something, organize something or otherwise bring something to fruition.
Should not included physical labor of any kind (except for walking to and from my car and maybe a copy room).

That job shouldn't be too hard to find, right? Ha Ha. We'll see when and if I need to go looking. :)

Thanks for the question CelticBuffy! I promise to get to the rest of them, too!

Flying with my butt hanging out

2009-01-29T15:43:00.001-07:00

Something about my trip last weekend drove me absolutely bonkers and yet, now that I look back, I realize that I dealt with it like a pro. I never had a meltdown. I never had a panic attack. I did just fine. And you should be proud of me.

The trip was one without planning. Completely a "Fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants" Operation. Why? That's the way my mom wanted it. Well, that and because it's difficult to plan things to do in advance when one doesn't know who all will be there.

Maybe I better break this down for you a bit more. As I have mentioned previously, my little sis is moving to Italy. In an effort to allow my kids to see her kids one last time before they move, I bought tickets for the three of us to go down to see her and I didn't tell her we were coming.

My mom bought a ticket at the same time I did, but Little Sis knew she was coming. Big Sis got wind of the plans for me, mom and my kids to go and decided to come too. But she flew in from another city with her daughter and granddaughter in tow.

So to get you up to speed, there were 11 of us. Mom, Big Sis, Neice and baby, Little Sis and three small kids, me, Teensy and Bubba. Yep. 11 of us. That made the planning thing hard.

Basically it boiled down to this (and I'll expand on the funny/worthy stories in later posts)...

We flew on an early evening flight into Las Vegas. We got the tickets for cheap and made the trip cheaper by not checking any luggage. The kids entertained themselves most of the way and were only mildly annoying on the plane.

We surprised my Little Sister, left the airport and drove the strip to see the sights before we stopped to eat at a Burger King.

Then we drove 3 hours to my Little Sister's house on an Army Post while Bubba puked from car sickness and the other kids fell asleep. Later I was awakened by an ambulance, a fire truck and a cop car in front of her house in the dead of night. Probably a domestic dispute from the looks of it.

The next morning (while we washed Bubba's blanket), the kids played in the park and my Neice played Rock Band while the adults got the cars loaded for the long drive ahead.

We drove through California looking at the sights out the window on our way to Hollywood Blvd. We stopped to eat at a Wendy's in what we assumed was a version of China Town. Then we walked a few blocks on either side of the Hollywood Blvd. to see the stars in the sidewalk where Little Sis got accosted by a vagabond lady selling star maps and Bubba played the part of a corpse in an attempt to get his name on a star.

We attempted to find our way to Santa Monica Pier (at this point completely giving up on the GPS system that we had nicknamed "The Bitch" because she kept taking us on useless scenic routes of places like ChinaTown instead of just getting us to our destination). When we got there, we saw the beach at dusk and then stayed to enjoy the rides. (My nephew, Just a Marine, showed up to hang with us there, too.)

Then we found a hotel (two rooms for $129 each!) and stayed the night. We awoke the next morning to a beautiful, but chilly, day and returned to the beach to play for a bit.

Then we got naked in the pier parking lot (with open doors as our dressing room) so that we could change and get back into the car for the 4-5 hour drive to Vegas. We did stop at a Mall along the way so that we could eat and to let the kids play and Big Sis could do some shopping.

We then arrived in Vegas where we stayed at the Bellagio Hotel for the night and we watched the Dancing Waters.

The next morning, we walked to Treasure Island, rode in a cab, had some amazing Gelato, and then said goodbye to fly home.

That, ladies and gentleman, was our trip in a nutshell. Please keep in mind that all hotel reservations were made while driving down the road with multiple calls to information. "The Bitch" screwed up many, many times putting us in places we didn't intend to be going through and causing us many more hours in the car than was necessary.

How did I handle it without a breakdown? I kept my own little world organized, called my husband a lot and took moments where all I did was breathe in and breathe out. Believe me...it wasn't easy.

To tide you over...and allow me some rest.

2009-01-28T11:11:00.004-07:00

I know that I have been MIA. I kind of apologize but really, I am too damn tired for that nonsense. I just can't keep up.

I got back from my trip on Monday evening and had to work yesterday and today (as well as, tomorrow and Friday--what happened to a day or two to recover from vacation?). Last night I had a Girl Scout meeting and Miss Quiet wasn't in attendance because her grandma had a heart attack yesterday (thoughts are with you girl!) so I ran it myself. Wouldn't you know that all of my girls would be there and the meeting would be scheduled to be held with another troop. We made it through despite the case of the missing girl (that was solved) pretty much unscathed. And of course, to top that off, it was Tuesday which is a wrestling practice night so I had to arrange for someone to take Bubba for me.

Anyway...today you should be getting a recap of my trip, right? Um, no. Today, you will be getting this.

It was totally stolen from Amy who stole it from Kapgar.

And I will work on a recap of my awesome trip for tomorrow. I am dying to show you pictures of the best hotel bed I have ever had the opportunity to spend a mere four hours sleeping in. :)

Try Me

Bold = want to try; ~~bold strikeout~~ = done

1. ~~Started my own blog~~ (And here it is!)
2. ~~Slept under the stars~~ (while camping but never outside of a tent that I can recall)
3. ~~Played in a band~~ (I played a doumbek drum in a band called "Dunromi" for a couple of years)
4. Visited Hawaii (Would totally love to go)
5. ~~Watched a meteor shower~~ (Yep, took the kids outside of town where it was dark but didn't see a whole lot.)
6. ~~Given more than I can afford to charity~~ (Okay, maybe not more than I can afford but I do give quite generously a lot.)
7. ~~Been to Disneyland/World~~ (Been there, Done that...can't seem to find a picture.)
8. ~~Climbed a mountain~~

(We climbed that mountain for Bubba's Birthday this last year. It's actually a Butte but it was so far to walk!)

9. Held a praying mantis
10. Bungee jumped
11. Sung a solo (I sang a duet once, rather badly, and danced a solo but never really sung one.)
12. ~~Visited Paris~~

((Okay so this isn't really in Paris. It's the Paris Hotel in Vegas and I didn't really even visit there, I just saw it while driving down the street. But it was beautiful!)

13. Watched lightning at sea
14. ~~Taught myself an art from scratch~~ (knitting on the Knifty Knitter, counted cross-stitch, scrapbooking, etc.)
15. Adopted a child
16. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
17. Had food poisoning
18. ~~Grown my own vegetables~~ (In my mom's garden and I tended my step-grandma's garden a lot when I was younger.)
19. ~~Seen the Mona Lisa~~
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. ~~Had a pillow fight~~
22. Hitchhiked
23. ~~Taken a sick day when you’re not ill~~ (Totally wanted to do this today but couldn't bring myself to do it when I had so much stuff to catch up on.)
24. ~~Built a snow fort~~
25. ~~Held a lamb~~ (I fed over 100 bum lambs ever morning and night by bottle when I was younger.)
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a Marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. ~~Seen a total eclipse~~
30. ~~Watched a sunrise or sunset~~

(Sunset while driving home from my sister's house last summer.)

31. Hit a home run
32. Been on a cruise (Am planning on taking a Disney Cruise for a few days and then spending a few days at Disney World in a couple of years.)
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person (I adore waterfalls!)
34. Visited the birthplace of my ancestors
35. Seen an Amish community
36. ~~Taught myself a new language~~ (Am still working on the German thing!)
37. Had enough money to be satisfied
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. ~~Gone rock climbing~~ (but never climbed a rock wall)
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David (I did see a naked statue with a huge thingy while in Vegas though.)
41. ~~Sung karaoke~~
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited Africa
45. ~~Walked on a beach by moonlight~~

(After the sun went down, it got dark, and we stayed and hung out at the Pier so I kinda walked the beach in the moonlight.)

46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had my portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. ~~Kissed in the rain~~ (Yes, I have done this.)
53. ~~Played in the mud~~ (Don't really like to but have done it.)
54. Been in a movie (Almost was an extra once but I didn't think fast enough!)
55. ~~Gone to a drive-in movie~~ (Took my husband for the very first time not that long ago.)
56. Visited the Great Wall of China (My son would like to walk on it.)
57. ~~Started a business~~ (I have been self employed with two different companies now--Creative Memories and NatureRich.)
58. Taken a martial arts class (I am signing up for a Community Ed Women's Self-Defense class this summer.)
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout cookies (Several times and guess what? It's Girl Scout Cookie Time! We start selling on February 6th!!!)

62. Gone whale watching
63. ~~Got flowers for no reason~~ (My husband is good at this sometimes.)
64. ~~Donated blood, platelets or plasma~~ (Don't do it anymore because it makes me sick when I do so Hubby would prefer that I didn't.)
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. ~~Bounced a check~~
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. ~~Saved a favorite childhood toy~~ (I still have my blankie from when I was a kid and that was my favorite thing in the world.)
70. ~~Pieced a quilt~~ (Am still working on finishing up two that I started.)
71. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
72. Eaten caviar (EWWWWWW!)
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle (Is it possible that I sit behind House when I do this? Maybe? Please!)

79. ~~Seen the Grand Canyon in person~~
80. Published a book
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand-new car (I'll take a New Pontiac sports car please.)
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. ~~Had my picture in the newspaper~~ (I think I did for National Honor's Society once.)
85. Read the entire Bible
86. ~~Killed and prepared an animal for eating~~ (Ew, ew, ew! I did this with chikens and hated every single moment of it!)
87. Visited the White House
88. ~~Had chickenpox~~
89. Saved someone’s life
90. Met someone famous

91. Sat on a jury
92. Joined a book club
93. ~~Lost a loved one~~ (If you don't know this you haven't been reading very well.)
94. ~~Had a baby~~ (Two of them actually.)
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake (Not big on swimming in lakes.)
97. Been involved in a law suit
98. Been stung by a bee
99. ~~Ridden an elephant~~ (I think I did at a circus once.)
100. ~~Owned a cell phone~~

Ssshhhh! Guess where I am!?!

2009-01-24T02:44:00.002-07:00

Life.

It's what we do between the time we get here and the time we leave. And we only get one shot at it, right? So what stops most of us from making the most of it? From living life to it's fullest extremes and making ourselves happy? We have the ability to make decisions for ourselves and decide how we want to live and what we want to get out of it, so we all need ot start doing it.

I learned a hard lesson this past summer. I may not be here tomorrow. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. Everyone knows that. But how many people live their lives that way? I didn't. I lived on the principle that there would always be time to do the things I wanted to do and experience. I assumed that there would always be a tomorrow. Now I realize that there may not be. And because of that lesson, my life has changed and I act in a different manner. I am starting to live my life on my own terms.

I found these 10 rules that seem to me to be a great starting place for living. A few rules, so to speak.

1. Give yourself permission to claim your life.. That's right —Permission. You're the only one who can decide you are in charge of Your life. Even though it feels like you're not supposed to do so, turn off the internal editors, the old tape recordings, the "shoulds, have to's, and musts", and the rules that didn't come from you.
2. Define what living means to you. It's not as hard as it sounds. Just picture yourself at the end of your life looking back. What words would you want to describe how you lived your life and who you are as a person?
3. Stop living in the future. Every time you think "someday" or "when I have time I will," stop. Ask yourself, "Why not now?" Think about this sentence, "I always wanted to, but never did." Start doing the things you always planned to do. Choose your life every morning. Plan one thing you will do that day to feel alive.
4. Surround yourself with people who enjoy living. They've obviously discovered how to have a life and live it. Why not hang with the pros?
5. Lay down your pain and your anger. Carrying them around makes living harder and less fun. It doesn't bring anything, and it steals a lot.
6. Let the losers win. Don't argue about things that you don't care about. Unless there's some real threat, let the folks who have something to prove, prove what they need to. Why waste your living time trying to fix what's wrong with them?
7. Create energy. Jump to forgiveness and love, then figure things out. Most conclusions we jump to are not only wrong, they're negative. Negative conclusions lead us to prepare a defense. Being on the defensive isn't living. It's hiding from life.
8. Learn the physical symptoms of when your head and heart become disconnected. We know when we're having a knee jerk reaction, when we're feeling sorry for ourselves, and when we're being blind to people's feelings. We can remember how it felt physically while we were behaving badly. Get to know those symptoms, and you can stop the behavior. Living life will feel a whole lot safer because you won't be in danger of shooting yourself in the foot.
9. Take small risks that push your boundaries in every way. The joy of life is packed in learning that matches our skill set. When we stretch just a bit intellectually, physically, emotionally, we grow. Living is growing. Even your cells know that.
10. Value and protect the people and the places you care about. A job isn't a life. It's just a part of one. Let the people you care about come first, and let everyone know that you do.

So, this weekend, I am living in the moment and taking life into my own hands. Want to know what I am doing?

I have flown down to Vegas with my kids and my mom to surprise my little sister with a visit before her and her family leaves for Italy for 3 years. She doesn't know me and the kids are coming and is only expecting my mom. My other sister, her daughter and her boyfriend, and her grandaughter will also be there for a visit so we should be having a wonderful time. It's been really hard to keep this from you internet peeps but I just had to keep my mouth shut to save the surprise.

I don't have the extra money for the trip as expenses have been piling up around here. I don't get paid time off work ever. And there are a million and two things that should be done right here at home. However, I am happily referring to rules #3 and #10 above. I may have the opportunity in the future to walk Venice Beach and the see the Hollywood stars with my little sister. I may in a month be able to responsibly afford this trip but I may not be here in a month. And my kids won't see their cousins for at least 3 years as flights overseas are not in any way affordable for my family of four. So now is my chance. Now is our chance to sieze the moment and make the memories that will last us though our entire lives...however long that may be.

(((((This post was pre-written on Wednesday, January 21, 2009 and set to post on the following Saturday because holding this surprise inside was no longer something I could tolerate and I just needed to get it out!!! I promise to bring back adventurous stories and humorous pics from my trip to Nevada/California.)))))

Antique is older than dirt...just so you know...

2009-01-22T12:11:00.005-07:00

Happy Birthday to you!

Happy Birthday to Step-Dad!

Happy Birthday to you!

Hope you enjoyed the steak and french fries last night...even if you wouldn't eat the vege-filled corn because you are more picky than I ever imagined one person could be!

Hope you enjoyed the company...even though the three women did nothing but gab non-stop, the little girl talked your non-hearing ears off, the little boy ate slower than humanly possible and you were probably kicked under the tiny table a million and eighteen times.

Hope you enjoyed the front row parking...even though I didn't think it was safe for the kids to lay down to hold the spot for you.

Hope you enjoyed the chocolate molten cake thingy for dessert...even though they refused to do the clappy, singy thing for you for goodness knows what reason.

But most of all...

Hope you enjoy today...your real 61st birthday...and know that you are loved and thought of fondly...even though I just told the whole World Wide Web that you are an antique!

Scientific Studies are overrated...

2009-01-21T14:03:00.003-07:00

I get these cravings sometimes. And when I get them, I have to give in or the craving will just continue until I have satisfied it and that gets overwhelmingly annoying.

So this morning I had a craving.

My friend says that if you are craving something then your body is in need of something that is contained within that item you are craving, some type of vitamin or nutrient that your body is currently lacking in.

I believe that is complete bullshit. (As of this morning, that is.)

This morning I had a craving. For Gummi Worms. Yep, those chewy, allegedly fruit flavored little devils were calling to me until I found them on the supermarket shelf. The very last bag, hanging all alone amongst the other candies in a tribute to just how popular his buddies had been. Silently screaming out their pleas.

Well, I bought that 99 cent bag of worms (along with a chocolate covered doughnut, a massive Hershey's with Almonds candy bar and a Mountain Dew. Can you say sugar high? Yep. Can you say diet? Not today apparently.) and I took them up to the cash register where a nice cashier started to ring up my purchase. I took one look at her large size and thought, "Shit. maybe I should put some of these sugar back". Unfortunately, I didn't listen to that inner voice today. I paid my money, grabbed my goodies and went out to my van.

Now, I do have some self control. I did immediately eat that doughnut (it was breakfast time after all and I didn't get to eat before I left the house) but I didn't touch a single other thing. I have still yet to finish the Dew and the candy bar is in the freezer for when work gets ultra suckity later this week. The Gummi Worms? Well, that is the point of my post, now isn't it? And maybe I should ought to get to that point. :)

So, for lunch I ate my sundried tomato and pesto flavored turkey breast that was skewered with pretzel sticks (See, proof that I don't always eat the least healthy things!) but when I was done that craving for the Gummi Worms came back on quite strongly. I know that there is absolutely nothing that I could be lacking that is contained in that candy because, well, because there is nothing contained in that candy but sugar and a bunch of words that are too long and too hard to prounounce (let alone type up). And that is why I believe that craving thing to be a complete myth.

I crave items that have exactly 0% nutritional value and 100% holy-crap, bad-for-you crud.

Which ends my scientific study on cravings being your bodies way of telling you what you are lacking.

Maybe next time, I can find the answer for why I eat half the bag of said item even though I fulfilled the cravings after just two worms and thusly feel as though my stomach is crammed with a foam-like substance making me feel bloated and knowing full well that it will take at least two days for this crap to break down enough to make me stop feeling this way.

Things you all should know...

2009-01-20T16:32:00.001-07:00

Shampoo and Hand Soap ARE NOT the same thing.
Folding paper (lots of it) is way harder on the shoulders than one would originally guess.
The weather can be -15 degrees one day and by the next be a balmy 55 degrees...in my part of the country anyway.
I am not interested in being in the middle of any of your dramatic renditions of soap opera lives...unless it will make my life more amusing without screwing anything up for me.
I am extremely territorial...even if the space I am in is technically yours, you should stay the hell out of it!
Passive-aggressiveness is not a trait I envy in the slightest. In fact, I suggest you take your passive-aggressive ass somewhere far, far away from me.
I am fully capable of keeping a large secret when it is meant to be a surprise for someone special...but not for long!
I am craving a good nights sleep like you wouldn't believe!
Today, history was made and I didn't pay much attention to the media. I did, however, feel the shift in the air of the country and I am anxious to see where we will go from here.
I am tired.

Yeah. You didn't need to know any of that. But hey, I needed to write it. Thanks anyway.

He's a go-getter...finally.

2009-01-16T15:53:00.004-07:00

The stench of sweat, musty heat and dirty water almost knocked me out as I walked into the room and instructed my kids to not step on the mats with their wet snow boots.

Why do I subject myself to this again?

We made our way to an empty spot on the wall, with Teensy holding her nose and whining about the stench. I pulled the special shoes out of the backpack and it took me 10 minutes with my face entirely too close to feet smelling no better than dying flesh to cram them onto him.

Why do I subject myself to this again?

An hour and a half of stifling heat, a wet smell and a bunch of boys with odd groping hands slamming their opponents into the rubber mats and I was entirely convinced that this sport was my very least favorite of all. I would much rather be sitting on the sidelines of a football game with my ass frozen to a metal bleacher. And if you know me at all, you know I don't deal well with cold.

Why do I subject myself to this again?

Oh yeah. The kid.

The kid who put much determination in his little inactive, video game playing body and made it through an exercise routine with little to no whining and buckets of sweat. An exercise routine that would wind even the most athletic of the parents carefully watching from the sidelines.

Yeah, my kid. Because he wants to do this and he wants to be good at this. It's his choice and he is doing his very best even though his little body aches and aches and aches. He doesn't complain...for the first time. He is tired and sore and he looks at me with eyes that plead, "Mom, this is torture" but he still continues on.

And I sat there with my butt glued to a hard floor, a bored little girl clinging to my arm, a loud whistle assaulting my ears at sporadic intervals and a smell that will for sure take a gallon of Clorox to get rid of.

Because of him. My little man. My Bubba.

Yep. He's a wrestler now.

And I'm a proud momma. Even if he never wins a single bout. Er, match? Yeah, I think it's called a match. Right? Hey! No one said I couldn't be a proud momma even if I know absolutely nothing about why those boys are out there trying to keep their "weinies off the mat"* or why they are wearing leotards just like Teensy does for dance only in a different color.

And really? I am just in it for the cool shirts! Bubba's even has his last name on the back. Now how neat is that!

*That is seriously what the coach told the boys when trying to teach them how to get out of a Half Nelson at practice last night. i just about died laughing! That is until I noticed the other parents staring and then I muzzled myself in an effort to not embarrass my kid.

Can you see me now!?!

2009-01-15T15:26:00.004-07:00

Okay so I am not entirely happy with this new layout. I am all about the pink and adding a bit of black always allows for a slimmer looking physique but this...this is just all too jarring! I went from a warm and inviting layout to something that makes you want to bore your eyes out at first sight. Argh!

Why don't I change it, you ask? Well, my dears, the free website at which I find my most wonderful layouts is down. It had up a few new Valentine's day layouts and I tried them all out to no avail. I just didn't like them. This was the one I settled on when I realized that I could no longer access my old layout. I reapeat. Argh!

So until the website is back up and I can get a new and better layout or I learn how to make my own HTML codes, this is what we are all stuck with. I apologize for the burst of so much color. I promise to tone it down soon. :)

Do this! Do this now!

2009-01-13T14:36:00.001-07:00

Sizzle invited her readers to participate in the interview MeMe. Always the one to jump on the blog bandwagon, I threw my name into the mix to get interviewed and she came up with some awesome questions for me to answer. Check them out!

1) Describe parenthood in one word.
Trying. As in "I'm trying the best I can and the kids are trying to drive me bonkers."

2) What is a quality that you admire in others and why?
There are a lot of qualities that I admire in people. The top being honesty and loyalty because I have never been all that good at either of those. I am working really hard to get better at both qualities though so that should count for something.

3) What is one thing about yourself that you think doesn't come across through your blog posts?
That even though life right now seems to be basically on track, I have struggled through a lot in my life and have yet to find the exact path that I should be traveling on. I finally know which direction to head in but I am not sure what it is that I want to even find along this path. I don't think that people get that I am more than just a proud momma and a wife because I am not sure how to open up about the rest of the stuff.

4) If you had one wish and you HAD to wish for something superfluous and materialistic, what would you wish for?
This is the easiest question on this list! I would totally wish for a fully loaded laptop computer. I still live in the stone age with my desktop and I hate the fact that I am stuck in my office without a view of the television. I am completely convinced that having a laptop would mean better blog posts and a finished manuscript of some sort. Plus, I don't want to go on my trip to Germany without one because I want to be able to access the web to talk to my BFF back home for the two weeks that I am gone!

5) What food do you never grow tired of eating?
I go in spurts on what I like to eat but it seems that I never tire of eating Pizza Hut pizza. I know it's kinda bad considering all the grease but I love the stuff and could eat it just about everyday (as witnessed by the sudden onslaught of weight gain going on in my household!)

****
So, Here are the meme details:

If you'd like to play along, just follow these instructions:
1. Leave me a comment saying, "Interview me."
2. I will respond by emailing you five questions. I get to pick the questions.
3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions. Be sure you link back to the original post.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

Come out, come out, where ever you are...

2009-01-12T15:44:00.004-07:00

Have you heard the news? It's Delurking Day!

What does that mean? It means that whoever you are, where ever you're from, if you are here reading this right now you are to peek your head around that corner and say a little hello to me. Yippee!

Show me your stuffs internet. Show me your stuffs.

Anyone and everyone welcome to comment, whether you visit me all the time or are just dropping by for the first time, those regular commenters and those of you who just stand in the background...Come out, come out, where ever you are!!!

Donating by way of trivia...

2009-01-10T02:33:00.001-07:00

I came across a site recently on a random path through the links of the internet and found it to be an interesting way to waste time, a wonderful way to work my brain and a possible way to help the hungry through the UN World Food Program. What could be better?

You should check out this site.

http://www.freerice.com/

The premise is that for every question you answer correctly, they will donate 20 grains of rice to the UN World Food Program. That's it. All you have to do is answer mulitple choice questions and they will give rice to starving people. Even the laziest of the lazy and those that the economy are treating rather harshly right now can help others in need. Awesome!

The website defaults to the category of English Vocabulary but you can change that to fit your mood and/or desire. The categories are: Famous Paintings, Chemical Symbols (Basic), Chemical Symbols (Full List), English Grammar, English Vocabulary, Identify Countries on the Map, World Capitals, French, German, Italian, Spanish, Basic Math (Pre-Algebra), and Multiplication Table.

There is a rice bowl on the right hand side of the screen that will keep track of how many grains of rice you are donating, but it resets everytime you leave the site so you have to keep track of it on your own if you want a running total every time you go back.

So far, I have donated 6130 grains of rice by ~~procrastinating work~~ making myself smarter. I fully intend to use this site to learn enough German vocabulary to get me by on my Germany trip! Woo Hoo! Free lessons and helping the hungry...

I repeat...what could be better than that?

Hyper-sensitivity runs in the family...

2009-01-08T15:36:00.003-07:00

"Mom, some of the big kids weren't very nice today."

Oh great! I've been wondering when this was going to happen. The kids in this town recently moved from 4 small elementary schools (each with it's own grade) to one extremely large building housing all kids K-4. The school is beautiful, drop-offs and pick-ups are a nightmare, and I have been worried about bullying since the day they broke ground.

"What happened, baby girl?"

"This big kid walked by us and said, 'Hi, little peeps' and that was very nice."

"Um, hmm. That does seem nice."

"Then another one walked by and said, 'Hi, little people.' and that was just not nice, mommy."

"Um, what?" I looked across the dark car at Dear Hubby and gave him the "what the hell" look.

"Little peeps is nice. Little people is not."

"Baby," I said in my most understanding momma voice, "they are the same thing. Peeps is just a shortened form of people."

"Nah hah! They were being mean!"

Lightbulb flashed brightly above my head as I realized that she thought the older kids were calling her and her friend midgets. Oh! I get it now!

"No, sweetheart. The kids weren't trying to call you a midget. They said little people because you are littler than them and you are a person."

That is when the waterworks started. She bawled her eyes out for several minutes because "Mommy just doesn't get it." and "they were being mean to me!".

An eye roll and a whispered, "What the hell is this all about?" to Dear Hubby later, I lean back into the back seat to see if she is okay. Nope. Still freaking out! I turned back around and tried to stifle the laughter because really? What doesn't she understand? This is insane? The big kids were being nice by saying hi and she takes it as an insult to her physical stature. Maybe I overdid it on the no name calling lecture. Hmm. Really? What the hell?

She finally quiets down and I assure her that it will all be okay tomorrow.

Can a girl get PMS at six? Because really...holy shit! The waterworks were totally unnecessary!

I tried to take a picture of her bawling face but as we were in the car heading for Wal-mart at 6:30 at night, the atmosphere was too dark for my camera phone. Next time, I promise. She really is just adorable when she cries!

Politically Correct...for the first time in my life!

2009-01-07T16:45:00.002-07:00

I read this and almost spit my Chai tea latte across the desk!

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a ' BREASTED American.'
2. She is not 'EASY' - She is 'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.'
3. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a
'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.'
4. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a 'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.'
5. She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes ' VERBALLY REPETITIVE.'
6. She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER' - She is a ' LOW COST PROVIDER.'

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT

He does not have a 'BEER GUT' - He has developed a 'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.'
2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is ' OVERLY CAUCASIAN..'
3. He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He 'INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.'
4. He is not 'BALDING' - He is in 'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.'
5. He does not act like a 'TOTAL ASS' - He develops a case of 'RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.'
6. It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants - It's 'REAR CLEAVAGE.'

Really, people...that is some funny shit!!!

All of the dirt that makes us human...

2009-01-06T14:36:00.001-07:00

Do you ever watch those cheesy movies on Lifetime? Cheesy not because of their content but because of the two-bit actors/actresses, the over played drama and the overdone themes. You know the ones I am talking about. You have all seen at least one. I have seen several. On occasion.

When I am feeling introspective about my life. When I want something of a pick me up, a happy ending, I tune in to that channel to watch one of their romance novels on the screen. When I am in a mood to try and find hope in this world via problems that are way bigger than mine, I tune in to one of their true to life someone-stole-my-baby movies. The movies always deliver a plethora of emotions and a ladder up and out of whatever funk I am currently residing in.

On New Years Day, Lifetime aired a "Ring in the Romance" marathon of movies. Betcha can't guess the theme! Okay, well maybe you can. :) Anyway, I DVR'd a movie called "Chaos Theory". I was enchanted with the title, the actor was someone I recognized and the beginning caught our attention nicely.

The scene:

A New Years Eve party in a swanky city bar. 6 friends sitting on couches around a coffee table are discussing their resolutions. The main woman stands, walks overtop the table and says that her resolution is to find a husband...and she is going to pick from her friends. The men start clawing over each other for this "miraculous chance". It is settled that she will choose her husband from amongst the four men (one of who is with his woman at the time) solely based upon the name of his penis.

Really? Do guys really name their penis's? Is that really something that any self respecting woman would base a life-long decision on? The name of a ding-a-ling? Really? Hmmm. Although I am now extremely curious as to whether or not men name them and what exactly they choose for names. What is the selection process for something like that? What are his thought processes?

I am going to name my member today. What will I call him? Hmmm...
~~Princess Sophia~~ Nope, too girly.
~~Squishy, Squishy~~ Oh, not the right impression.
~~Mr. Ed~~ May not live up to it's name.
Gunther. Yeah, that one may work. Sounds strong and manly. I'll go with that.

How about women? Do women name their parts, too?

The left one is Everest and the right is Kilamanjaro.

What the hell? Really?

Oh, the va-jay-jay? I call it Mount Vesuvius on account of the fact that it erupts violently.

Wow! This post sure has gotten off track. Completely. And taken a slight turn to the left. Oops. Okay what was my point again? Oh yeah!

So I DVR'd this movie and watched it the other day when I wasn't having to deal with Hubby's and kids and noise (because I hate those things when I am trying to escape into a tv show or movie!). The movie itself was weird and random and not really all that great if I am being honest, which apparently I am, but it ended with the most amazing monologue that I had to rewind and write, rewind and write, rewind and write until I had it all taken down on paper.

"Well, it turns out that there are few things more chaotic than the beat of a human heart. Speeding up, slowing down, a pretty face, a flight of stairs...it's always changing depending on what's happening to us out there. It's an erratic son of a bitch. But underneath all of that bumpity-bump mess, there is, in fact, a pattern. The truth. And it's love.

The most important thing about love is that we choose to give it and we choose to receive it making it the least random act in the entire universe. It transcends blood, it transcends betrayal and all of the dirt that makes us human."

Deep stuff, huh? Yeah that's what I thought, too. Those sentences, those words, smacked me so hard in the face that day, that I found myself taking a step backwards, looking around at my family and being entirely encased in a gratitude unlike any I have ever felt.

My friend once told me she didn't believe in marriage because she believed that it was basically a cop out, in my understanding. She said that married people wake up everyday next to their spouse and feel obligated to stay because they are married, because they made the choice to get married once when they were head over heels in love and continue to stay that way to avoid the hassle.

As an unmarried woman, she woke up every day next to her partner and made the choice to stay even though she always had the option of a semi-hassle free parting of ways. She felt that everyday choice was more significant than the one-time choice of getting married to begin with.

I partially agree with her.

But, internet, the truth is this. I live in a chaotic world, but amongst that chaos is the truth that no matter what my past holds, my husband wakes up and chooses to love me and I wake up and choose to love him every single day.

And for that I am grateful. And beyond blessed.

Interview with a vampiress...

2009-01-05T16:27:00.000-07:00

I asked Lady K over at this site to interview me knowing full well that she would come up with questions that would stretch my mind to capacity in search of the answers. She has a way of sucking the answers right out of my being. Here's what she came up with. :)

#1 What are 5 words in the English language that inspire emotion in you whether love or hate, joy or confusion?

This one is interesting for me because in my life words are just words. I talk so much, so often that most words lose their meanings and are replaced with whatever I want them to be replaced with. But let me try and come up with a few. I guess number one would be love. That word gives me a sense of peace and you can bet that no matter when I am doodling that word will be one of the first things that emerges on the paper. Number two would be cunt. Cuss words don't usually affect me. Words only have as much power as you give them and in my world cunt has a lot of power. It is not a word that you will hear me say out loud...ever...and it is most definitely not a word I would throw out as an insult to another person. It evokes feelings of rage and sadness to hear it. Number three would be asinine. It makes me feel silly when I say it especially when I use it haphazardly in conversation. It's just a funny word to me. Number four would have to be dad. Confusion and sadness creep up over me when that word is used and I have to smash some feelings down. The last one would be smile. That is probably the most important word in my vocabulary. I use it often and it makes me happy.

#2 What song do you feel best describes you or a situation or emotion you are going through right now?

Music hasn't been all that inspirational to me recently. Natasha Bedingfield's "Unwritten" almost always speaks to me as I feel like I am writing my own book to the best of my ability but it is far from finished and I am the only one that is capable of writing it. It reminds me to say what I want to say because no one else can speak for me, to live with an mind and heart open to new possibilities, and to live my life instead of sitting on the sidelines.

#3 If you had one hour with a magic therapist who in that one hour could fix one emotional issue completely what one issue would you address?

The issues with my father. I believe that I can work through just about everything else on my own but the issues I have with my father run so deep and hurt so badly that I have found myself completely unable to deal with even a small portion of them and continue to cram them so far back in the recesses of my being that I fear the only release for them would be death. However, if a magic therapist could cure me of those issues (or at least give me the tools to deal properly), I believe that most of the other issues in my life would solve themselves.

#4 What scared you when you were little? When you were 20? Right now?

I don't remember having any fears when I was little. I guess I was scared of losing my little sister when she had surgery at the age of four. I have always been terrified of losing my brother for reasons unknown to me. After my dad left, I was scared I'd never see him again (and I haven't). When I was a teenager, I was scared of losing my mother at the hands of my step-father. When I was 20, I was scared of failing at being a parent. Now, I am scared of ghosts haunting my family, losing my children before their time, and of my husband no longer being here. There is more in my life to fear now than when I was little. Back then, I expected and relied upon my parents to protect me from anything harmful, today I have to do that myself.

#5 What makes you feel pretty?

It's interesting but this answer has taken more thought than one would expect. I guess for me to feel pretty everything has to fall right into place. My clothes have to be comfortable, my hair in place. My body must be feeling good (no aches or pains) and my skin not dry. I would have to have a reason to smile, too. A good day in my life makes me feel pretty. As soon as that day starts to go south, the prettiness fades away, too.

101 tasks for the betterment of me in 1001 days...

2009-01-02T15:34:00.010-07:00

The Mission:Complete 101 preset tasks in a period of 1001 days.

The Criteria:Tasks must be specific (ie. no ambiguity in the wording) with a result that is either measurable or clearly defined. Tasks must also be realistic and stretching (ie. represent some amount of work on my part).

Why 1001 Days? Many people have created lists in the past - frequently simple goals such as New Year's resolutions. The key to beating procrastination is to set a deadline that is realistic. 1001 Days (about 2.75 years) is a better period of time than a year, because it allows you several seasons to complete the tasks, which is better for organising and timing some tasks such as overseas trips or outdoor activities.

Some common goal setting tips:
1. Be decisive. Know exactly what you want, why you want it, and how you plan to achieve it. 2. Stay Focused. Any goal requires sustained focus from beginning to end. Constantly evaluate your progress.
3. Welcome Failure. Frequently, very little is learned from a venture that did not experience failure in some form. Failure presents the opportunity to learn and makes the success more worthy.
4. Write down your goals. It clarifies your thinking and reinforces your commitment.
5. Keep your goals in sight. Review them frequently, and ensure that they are always at the forefront of your thinking.

Wanna join in? Check out http://www.triplux.com/dayzero/default.asp?view=gettingstarted and create your own list.

Why I am doing it--To better myself. I thrive on lists so why not have a list of things that I want to do that will better myself, my life and my surroundings?

Without further ado, here is my list of 101 taskes for the betterment of me in the next 1001 days (to be started on January 1st, 2009 and end on September 29, 2011). I will update this list as things are completed so check back often to see my progress!

Italicized items are in progress, bold items are finished and any related blog posts are linked within the task.

1. Get both of the kids’ scrapbook albums up-to-date.
2. Catalog every Christmas tree ornament with the date it was purchased or received and reason for it’s existence.
3. Write a hand-written letter to each of the kids on his/her birthday telling them how proud I am and about special memories from that year that I can recall.
4. Completely finish my Mother’s Love journal for my kids.
5. Sit down and seriously write a will and my wishes upon the ultimate demise of
myself.
6. Make 5 dresses for Teensy that are constructed well enough for her to wear and love.
7. Spend a major holiday somewhere other than my hometown or with extended family.
8. Take Teensy to a Paint-Your-Own-Pottery place and make a tea set to display and/or use for tea parties.
9. Organize and store all hard-copy photos in photo albums or in scrapbooks and all digital photos on DVD’s or CD’s for ease of use.
10. Get kids savings accounts up to 300 each. (150/300 Teensy) (183/300 Bubba)
11. Get kids they grief counseling they need to deal with their Grandma’s death.
12. Spend an entire day with Bubba doing whatever he wants to do.
13. Spend an entire day with Teensy doing whatever she wants to do.
14. Maintain a chore/help around the house/clean up after yourself routine everyday for a month. Then repeat. (0/31)
15. Take the kids to a real amusement park.
16. Celebrate all personal holidays with greeting cards for the honoree (birthdays, anniversaries, weddings, births, etc.) for all my family and friends for a complete calendar year. (3/12)
17. Establish a regular weekly Date Night complete with babysitter and stick to it for 3 months. (0/12)
18. Write a letter to Grandpa K. every month for a year telling him about our lives and asking any questions that I would like answered to fill in the blanks about that side of the family. Include pictures of the kids and hand-written paragraphs from them, as well. (0/12)
19. Take a picture of Hubby and I together every single day we are on vacation in Germany.
20. Send a proper thank you note or card for every gift received by me or my kids and every other act of kindness that deserves recognition.
21. Re-marry my husband on our 10 year Anniversary in Las Vegas.
22. Establish a routine “Friends Night Out” to maintain the important friendships in my life. Send a letter/e-mail update if the friend is not available for in person night out.
23. Purchase a family membership to the Community Center and use it to spend time swimming with the kids, lifting weights to get in shape and walking the track.
24. Take another Girls Time-Out trip with at least one of my friends, take loads of pictures and turn them into a photo book to go with the other one.
25. Take dance classes with my hubby.
26. Go to lunch with my husband at least 3 times a month for 6 months in a row. (0/18)
27. Take a trip to see each of my siblings with the sole purpose of spending time with them.
28. Read 101 books and keep a running list of the titles and my reactions to the book itself. (0/101)
29. Completely finish one of my already started stories to the point where I am satisfied with it’s completeness.
30. Finish the cross-stitch project I started for my mother.
31. Buy or rent and watch every single episode of every season of 5 shows that I like. Check out all of the special features of the DVD’s as well.
32. Purchase a laptop computer with wireless router.
33. Watch 200 movies and keep a list of those I liked and those I didn’t. (3/200)
34. Write a letter to biological father and actually mail it.
35. Take frame-worthy photos in 10 amazing places and turn them into 10 different works of art. (0/10)
36. Learn enough German to have a short conversation and/or get around in Germany when we are there.
37. Learn how to create a webpage using HTML code.
38. Take a self defense class.
39. Cook dinner every weeknight for a month. (0/20)
40. Eat at 5 new local restaurants that I have never tried before.
41. Apply for a passport.
42. Go on a date with myself (sit at Borders and read, see a movie, eat at Perkins).
43. Relax and enjoy the trip to Germany without freaking out about the little details. Go slow and really take in the surroundings instead of flying through touristy attractions.
44. Blog everyday for 60 days without fluff pieces. (0/60)
45. Write 100,000 words of fiction meant for others to read. (0/100,000)
46. Fill my phone memory card with music to inspire me.
47. Sing in public.
48. Donate to 10 different charities within a calendar year to help others in need. Keep track of which charities helped and do a blog entry encouraging others to donate as well. (1/10)
49. Sort trash and take it to recycling center every month for 6 months. (0/6)
50. Reach and maintain a savings account balance of $2,000 for 6 consecutive months. (0/6)
51. Make and maintain regular appointments at the dentist and doctor for both me and the kids.
52. Get health insurance for whole family and maintain it.
53. Drink daily recommended amount of water every day for two weeks. (0/14)
54. Catalog all possessions on a list with receipts for the big things and pictures of each room and buy a fireproof box to put it in for insurance purposes.
55. Make a pro/con list about my job and decide if it's worth keeping or if I should be seeking more challenging employment elsewhere.
56. Spend two hours or less on the computer doing personal stuff during work hours for two weeks straight. (0/14)
57. Finish the quilt that I started on my wedding day.
58. Help Bubba to finish the paintings for his bedroom walls.
59. Paint the saying and garden on Teensy's walls so she can enjoy it before she grows out of it.
60. Write an instruction manual for life for my kids including recipes done my way, life lessons according to me, and all of the little tips that I always call to ask of my mom.
61. Take a trip to visit my Grandpa in his home and take everything as it comes without being afraid of the possibilities.
62. Explore the area in which I live (the tourist attractions, as well as, the local arts and entertainment possibilities) and bestow that same honor upon my kids.
63. Set up a bi-weekly family night where all four of us are home and are actively doing everything together (making dinner, bike ride, playing a game) and maintain it for four months. (0/8)
64. Make it a point to call/text/e-mail siblings bi-weekly for six months to keep in touch. (0/12)
65. Cook a meal at home every weeknight for a month. (0/20)
66. Eat away from home less than four times in a month.
67. See a therapist to work through emotional issues I possess.
68. Complete a large home improvement project with my husband.
69. Take a cooking class.
70. Take steps to better my writing style and to pursue my dream of getting it all on paper.

As you can see, this list isn't finished. I have a few more to add and I will do that soon. For today this is all I could come up with!

Here's to the start of a new year...and a brand new list! Yay!

Tickling everyone's tongues...

2008-12-30T15:26:00.004-07:00

"By persevering over all obstacles and distractions, one may unfailingly arrive at his chosen goal or destination."
- C. Columbus

That is how I am going to approach the new year that is upon us. I just now made that decision based solely upon the above quote. That's how I roll. By haphazardly making big decisions in my life based on trivial little nothings.

Like my degree in Accounting. The one that is so obsolete that it will never (at least in the foreseeable future) be anything resembling useful. I chose that degree, that professional field, based on my insane love of paperwork and my equally insane adoration of mathematics. Before that, I wanted to be a teacher. I guess this methodology seemed more logical (and doable) at the time.

Back on track, now. It seems that people are now shying away from making New Year's resolutions because they feel they are being set up for failure. They are instead making intentions. They intend to lose weight, become a better person, show their love for their dog more. I think it's asinine. An intention is the same as a resolution. They are synonymous words, people. I looked it up!

Intention (Noun):
1. An act of intending; a volition that you intend to carry out

Resolution (Noun):
1. A decision to do something or to behave in a certain manner

If you resolve to do something and you don't, you are a failure. If you intend to do something and you don't, you are still a failure. In no one's eyes but your own, of course. The rest of us could care less as to what you intend or resolve to do this next year.

But, I know you are dying to know what my resolutions are for this next year, right? Well, with the attitude that I will persevere over any and all obstacles, come away from each distraction with a new lesson learned and arrive at my destined goal, I enter into 2009. My goal as of now being to survive yet another year on this planet, hopefully with a little more grace and ease than I have survived the last few.

At least that is my intention.

Hey! I didn't say that I wasn't jumping on the intention over resolution bandwagon. Just that I thought it was an asinine concept. And since asinine is my very favorite word (tied only by shitake because it is so fun to say), I am entitled to be as asinine as I want. Right? No. Well, screw you.

Go make your intentions/resolutions. 2009 is upon us.

Official Holiday Recap...complete with Naughty Nutcrackers...

2008-12-29T14:43:00.001-07:00

I bitched and whined and cried a lot about Christmas, didn't I? It's okay. You can say it. The truth. I did. I know it.

I'm not sorry. But at least I admit that I was a big baby this year.
That is not to say that my holiday was a good one. Far from it. It was stressful, hard, tearful and I barely survived through it. But I did and now that it is over, I can focus on the silver linings that brought a smile to my heart (even if not to my face) and appreciate the holiday for what it was...different.

As I was scanning through my photos this morning (admittedly many, many less than were taken in previous years) I came across a few that gave me a moment of joy at the memories that came slamming back into my brain. Memories and moments that I couldn't recall just a few short days ago as I was chest deep in sorrow and doing a wonderful job of wallowing in the pit.

((I should take a pause to apologize for what I am sure has been absolutely rotten behavior on my part to all who know me, talk to me or read my blog. I am back, I am better...I am now PMSing, so please be careful.))

So here they are folks. The top memories of Christmas 2008 (in no particular order) which is just another way of saying "The only things that made me think of smiling "...

Picture of my kids with their Great Grandpa. We weren't having a cheese button dinner at his trailer house surrounded by the Christmas Village and dozens of family members. We were instead in a cold and stark room in a nursing home surrounded by staff ready to take him to the dining room but all the same, he helped bring Christmas cheer for a few moments. And if nothing else, I will always have this picture to share with my kids.

Oh look! The Nutcrackers have been so naughty that the kids put them in the corners to serve their Time-Out punishments. When I came back through the kitchen I saw that the one on the left must have needed to pee so my son used a nearby Easter bucket so that he wouldn't piss on the carpet!

Oh, yes...who could forget this? Lady K was in need of some holiday spirit so my mom and I planned a Christmas Goodie baking day. As we finished each tray of goodies, we placed them on my bed (having no where else to put them). This is Lady K taking a picture of our finished progress. I was so busy yelling at her ("Don't you dare fall on all of that hard work!!! Get down at once!") that I didn't get a picture of the actually goodies. I spent the rest of the evening singing "I smell sex and candy, yeah..." in my head!

Dear Hubby helping Teensy put the angel on the tree. It was just too sweet to not smile for a moment.

That for the first time ever, my Step-Dad may have actually loved a gift he got from us...a book of history about trains and the area in which we live.

My kids did a wonderful job helping with the blue bag pick up for the food drive. They enjoyed giving to others in need as much as dear Hubby and I had hoped they would.

My puppies absolutely got into the Christmas Spirit and enjoyed the toys they got from us. It was hard to keep them from fighting over them though after Lasey chewed the squeaky out of hers right away.

Bubba's XBOX came in to a nearby town at 10 pm on Christmas Eve and my mom drove the 30 mile to pick it for us. THANKS MOMMY! WE OWE YOU BIG TIME AND WILL NEVER FORGET IT!

Teensy's doll house was so tall she stood on the coffee table to open it. Apparantly this is the best photo I got of her and it.

Hubby adored his gift...he HAS been asking for it for several years and I finally was able to find exactly what he wanted.

I loved my gifts, too. Best of all was the "Twilight" book and the mega expensive perfume that I have been out of for several months. Thanks for listening, honey!

So that's that. The best memories of Christmas 2008. I guess I was able to smile a bit and enjoy myself at times. However, you may not have noticed (although I surely did) that there are no pictures from Christmas with Hubby's family. That's because for me it sucked.

A Difference in the Worlds...

2008-12-27T00:01:00.000-07:00

My Hubby and I were born in 1980. Yes, just a little over 28 short years ago.

My son was birthed in 2000 (yet another Millenium baby).

My daughter in 2002 (a 9/11 "world is ending" freak out, I'm sure).

What a different world they are growing up in than we did.

Dear Hubby and I grew up in different worlds even though we were born the same year and less than a month apart. He was raised in the rural backwoods of SoDak. Me, the large city environment of Colo. He ran free with his siblings, played hide-and-seek in abandoned cars and learned how to ride a motorcycle at the age of six. I spent my hours in the seclusion of an apartment complex, played hide-and seek in the laundry room and needed an escort to go to the park. He spent all 13 years of school in one school district. Me, I attended six schools and lived in no less than 9 houses before graduating from high school.

So far in their lives, both children have attended only one school district. Bubba has lived in three seperate places (two apartments and a house) in two different towns and Teensy in only two both in the same town. They have a radius of about 3 blocks they are allowed to roam freely as long as they check in on time but they spend most of their time playing Hide-and-Seek in our basement or the houses of their friends. They are relatively sheltered even though we live in a smaller town in a rural state. Why? Times, they have a changed.

1980...
The world population was a meek 4.453 billion people with only 227,224,681 of those people living in the United States. The violent crime rate was at 59.5 per 1,000. People lived to be 73.7 years old and the unemployment rate was 7.1%. A household made a median amount of $17,710 dollars and a postage stamp only cost 15 cents. Those were the good old days.

Now...
The world population had soared to over 6.7 billion people. Life expectancy has gone down to 65.8 years old. Unemployment and underemployment are at 30%. Children are shooting other children in schools and terrorists have destroyed our security in the air. We have been in a constant war, sending our troops to perish in a desert in the name of freedom, for 7 years now. Postage stamps cost us 42 cents and gasoline at it's all-time high was over $3.00/gallon. An already overcrowded globe is exacerbating the problems of pollution, desertification, underemployment, epidemics, and famine. And now we on on the verge of another Great Depression.

And one wonders why my children are more sheltered? Have you seen this world lately, people? I have. And they will soon enough, but for now I would like them to enjoy their childhood...within a 3 block radius of my home. That is called protective parenting...and I'm all for it.

Christmas greetings...prescheduled...then accidentally posted. Argh!!!

2008-12-25T10:54:00.001-07:00

Merry Christmas to everyone. I may pop in this weekend but if all goes according to plan I am going to spending some much needed time with my little family of four.

Please send out good thoughts that...

Bubba's XBOX came in the mail in time to wrap it for Christmas morning.
We were able to successfully replace the gift that Santa got for Teensy that a sister-in-law ended up buying, as well, and telling us about the night before Christmas Eve when it was impossible to drive all the way to Walmart.
Dear Hubby decided to go against his bosses wishes, not be the only one at work and be home with me and the kids for our own family togetherness day on Friday, thus giving me something to look forward to.
The ham I make to be good and if not at least be edible and everyone be too nice to say a word to the contrary.
The appetizer dinner is as good as I have built it up to be in my mind.
There are no more fights, arguments, or tears and that the whining be kept to a minimum.
Santa remembers to eat the cookies, drink the milk and blow up the snow tubes he's leaving.

Enjoy your holiday, everyone. And if you don't, let me know...they say misery loves company.

Of Mountains and Records...

2008-12-24T09:36:00.005-07:00

Everyone, meet Olympia, the world's tallest snowwoman!
Olympia, meet my blogosphere friends!

Olympia's statistics:
Height: 122 feet tall (30 feet shorter than the Statue of Liberty)
Body: made of concentric circles of packed snow
Arms: 27 foot long evergreen trees
Necklace: 6 foot wide Pendant
Nose: 8 foot long carrot painted by school-children
Lips: tires painted red
Scarf: 100 feet long
Eyelashes: Old skis
Eyes: Evergreen Wreaths

So when life gives you 100 inches of snow in a single season what do you do with all of it?
Get in the Guinness Book of World Records, of course!

Slipping further and further...

2008-12-23T09:37:00.000-07:00

For every day that we get closer to Christmas, I slip a little bit further.

For every hour that my children anxiously await the arrival of Santa Claus, I slip a little bit further.

For every present that has been bought and wrapped and placed under the tree, I have slipped a little bit further.

For every holiday party attended and/or talked about, I have slipped a little bit further.

Into what? Where am I slipping? Depression, my dears. The deep, dark depths of black-laden depression.

Christmas is my second favorite holiday. The food, the gifts, the shopping sprees, the joy on the faces of all the children, the spirit of the season, the bells, the jingles, the wreaths and trees. I love every aspect of Christmas from the colored lights to the old time carols, the joyous bell ringers to the falling white snow.

Not this year.

This year...needs to be over.

The amount of change that is happening this year is far too much for this little woman to bear. Too much of my comfort zone has been extracted and what I am left with is a shell of painful emotions and a perma smile facade. I am a fake. I pretend that this season is like any other and yet I am dying inside. I wish it were the first week of January so that I didn't have to feel this way.

They say the first year is the hardest. Dawg says that's not true. I am inclined to believe him over the masses but at the same time, I hope that it gets easier.

As for the changes, I am trying to take them in stride. Our plans are, as of now, as follows...

Last Night: Drive around delivering Christmas Cards and viewing all sibling's Christmas Trees. ((Totally didn't happen because another wrench was thrown into my plans and I lost it completely. Totaly crying, freak-out session that did nothing to make me feel any better! Instead I spent the evening wrapping gifts, finishing homemade presents, and wrapping up a million and one loose ends so that the next couple of days goes by smoothly.))
Tonight: Girl Scout Christmas Party complete with 15 hyped up girls and their families, an ornament exchange, and a cookie exchange (as if any of us needs any more Christmas goodies).
Christmas Eve: Both Hubby and I have to work (probably full days) with the kids at daycare. Miss Insanity is closing at 3 pm so one of us will need to get off work by then. Then we will head home to load up all the presents for my parents and head over for a dinner of non-traditional Chili with my parents and step siblings.
Christmas Day: Open presents with Hubby and kids in the morning and then head over to Bro and Sis-in-laws house for traditional Christmas half-feast. Head back home after the feast and present exchange to an Appetizer dinner and game playing with Lady K and maybe Crazy Kat.
Day after Christmas: No work, no school...sleep in late and spend the day playing on Max's new XBOX...if it gets here in time for Christmas!!!

Sounds like a full and fun couple of days, right? Not really. This is where all the changes come in. We have never before driven from house to house to say our Holiday Greetings before. This year, it feels sort of mandatory. Christmas Eve has always been spent at Grandma and Grandpa's house. This year, Grandma is gone and Grandpa is in a nursing home where no one has even bothered to decorate his room. There is no setting up nor viewing the village that I had come to love. I won't mention the Chili dinner. That just is what it is. As for Christmas Day...well, my mom will be driving several hours to meet up with my sister for a few minutes and then heading off to a cousins house. My Mother-in-law is gone, her decorations spread amongst the houses of her children as small, daily reminders that she isn't coming back. Her house stands empty with no heat and no cheer as Dad is living with his girlfriend instead. Dinner won't be the grand feast-to-end-all-feasts and if Thanksgiving is any indication, leftovers will be scarce. The appetizer dinner in the evening, that was my idea, as a way to satisfy a craving I've been having and hopefully ending the day on the tiniest sliver of joy. Maybe. Probably not. But definitely maybe.

Am I bitching and whining ans woe-is-meing? Yes. But really, can you blame me? The Christmas Spirit has all but completely died around here.

And my second favorite holiday is ruined. *sigh*

At least I will have my Bacon Wrapped Jalepeno Bites. Now I'll just hope for the Bacon Wrapped Water Chestnuts to come, too.

Spicing up the Little Things...

in my eyes...

And then what?

The attack...

Let's Start Fresh, Shall We?

How big was that piece of straw anyway?

Can you be youer than you?

Blocking a writer is like reminding you of childhood memories that you may or may not have even had.

Job Opening...anyone interested???

Do mythical creatures have childhoods, too?

On this, the day of my birth, the third day of the ninth month in the year of two thousand and nine…

Dumping it all out…

Not sure where this is headed…

Recording a life…

Is that a gun or are you just happy to...what the hell are you packing in there!?!

I was arrested for…

Warning: Take heed of directions before lighting!

Friday Rants and Raves…

On and on and on...about nothing.

Stepping forward while walking backwards…

She gave me her eye color, too…

There was even a stripper pole!!!

The verdict...

Earning a set of angels wings...

Just keep swimming, just keep swimming…until you drown.

MIA means Meditating in Aqua.

Caring waters flowing deep...

Eggs only a son could love…

Ingredients:

Preparation:

Hopping ‘long the bunny trail…

Rotten eggs for Easter…

For think where it should come from…

Stepping forward with a tremble in my foot...

TechnoMonday...

A letter...

The title has nothing to do with the post...school/work has been cancelled once again due to a blizzard.

Are you there, J... *enter sound of crickets here*

St. Patty's Day fun for ye lads and lasses...

What is ailing you on this Monday? I can cure it!

He’s Creeping Back in…

Do you live in the clouds or in outer space?

March 11, 2009

Monday Morning Tip...to brighten your otherwise Manic (and snowy!) Monday...

Ever told your child, 'We'll do it tomorrow.' And in your haste, not see his sorrow?

Today's lesson is brought to you from the dictionary of a child...

Apologies on my tardiness, my dear...

When is it considered TMI?

Those f*ckers with their expensive sh*t and their spoiled no-good brats...

Late Night theories...

Deserted Island here I come...

Lessons from the high school crowd...

I got a new layout and all you get is...

Bolting thru the weekend...

That's what she said!

Loving me is easy 'cuz I'm beautiful...

Go ahead...make my day!

How long-winded does one need to be while procrastinating?

RANDOM ANSWERS FOR MY LIFE

What are they going to call you now?

Germany...here we come!

Losing the security...

Merry Christmas...Are You Dead Yet?

Now I know how the other half lives!

working on the workings...

Thanks for the question CelticBuffy! I promise to get to the rest of them, too!

Flying with my butt hanging out

To tide you over...and allow me some rest.

Ssshhhh! Guess where I am!?!

Antique is older than dirt...just so you know...

Scientific Studies are overrated...

Things you all should know...

He's a go-getter...finally.

Can you see me now!?!

Do this! Do this now!

Come out, come out, where ever you are...

Donating by way of trivia...

Hyper-sensitivity runs in the family...

Politically Correct...for the first time in my life!

All of the dirt that makes us human...

Are you there, J... enter sound of crickets here

Those fckers with their expensive sht and their spoiled no-good brats...

Intention (Noun):
1. An act of intending; a volition that you intend to carry out

Resolution (Noun):
1. A decision to do something or to behave in a certain manner